Why Am I Here? (Red Vs Blue)

Episode 27: Nine Tenths of the Law

Sarge and Donut are watching over the canyon from Red Base.

Donut: So, just you and me hanging out at the base today, huh Sarge! This is new. I notice you use a shotgun. That's cool. I just use this pistol. It works for me. (whistles casually) So, you think the guys will be back soon? What do you think they're up to? Do you think they stopped at the store? I noticed we were getting pre-tty low on elbow grease. ...When you die, can I have your armor?

Simmons comes up the ramp behind them.

Simmons: Hey, we're back!

Sarge and Donut turn around.

Donut: Oh man, am I glad to see you guys! Sarge would not stop talking. Seriously.

Sarge: Grif, Simmons, Rivera, were you able to work out a suitable exchange?

Grif and Mateo run up and stand next to Simmons.

Simmons: (sighs) Uhh, not exactly sir. You see, when we showed up the Blues were doing something, REALLY weird and then w-

Grif: Really weird! And they were rude!

Simmons: Hey dumbass, I thought we agreed I was gonna tell the story.

Grif: (half-heartedly) Excuse me! Go ahead!

Simmons: (to Sarge) Well you see, the Blue guys were really weird. And-

Mateo: Okay, stop right there. I'll say the rest if you're uncomfortable saying it. (To Sarge) When we arrived, they were sucking each other and-

Sarge: Wait what?

Mateo: ...Not important.

Donut: Sucking like what? Straws? A vacuum?

Mateo: Not important, Donut!

Grif: You're not telling it right.

Mateo: Oh yeah, how do you remember it, fat-ass?

Grif: Well, I remember we agreed that-

Mateo: (interrupts) Who's 'we'?

Grif:.. Me. I agreed that you're an asshole pretender that just-

The marine pulls out his machete.

Mateo: (growling) How... Did you... remember it, Grif?

Grif:... Never mind.

Mateo: (To Sarge) Anyways, I managed to take care of one of them who was controlling the Warthog.

Sarge: Well, kudos to you, Rivera. I might as well promote you.

Mateo: Thank you, sir. But they didn't want the prisoner back. (Whispers) Mainly because I scared him.

Simmons: No that's not-

Mateo: (glares at Simmons) And that's not what?

Simmons: ... Nothing.

Sarge: Why those cunning, blue devils! Does their treachery know no bounds?

Grif: It wasn't a total loss, sir. I was able to steal his wallet.

Sarge: Grif, I may just make a respectable soldier outta you yet.

Grif: Really, sir?

Sarge: Hell no! Now leave the money on my nightstand and get back to work!

Sarge leaves. Mateo points his machete at Grif.

Mateo: You better give that money and wallet to me, asshole! I can't fucking believe you!