Why Am I Here? (Red Vs Blue)

Episode 9: After Church

Simmons and Grif run up the ramp onto the Red Base where Donut is waiting with the flag.

Donut: What happened?

Grif: (panting heavily) Big... Tank... Shooting... Whooooh!

Simmons: Damn, man, we only ran like three hundred feet. You are really out of shape.

Grif: (still panting) Fuck... You...

Simmons: Where's Rivera?

Donut: Him? Oh, he went inside to get something. Why?

Simmons: Because he abandoned us!

Grif: Well now you know, that was pretty smart of him. He beat me in my own game.

Simmons: He should've told us something.

Mateo: Tell you about what?

Mateo appears behind Red Team with a strange weapon.

Simmons: There you are. Why did you leave us behind?

Mateo: Uh.. to get this big piece, of course.

Grif: What is that?

Mateo: It's an experimental multi-rocket launcher.

Grif: Why did you get it?

Mateo: To the fight the fucking tank, dumbass! Are you that useless?!

Donut: Where's your car?

Simmons: General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.

Grif: Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up.

Mateo: Simmons, weren't you the bastard in charge of us? It's your problem too!

Simmons: What?! It's your problem as well. You could've told us your plan!

Mateo: How? There was a tank pointing directly at us, specifically, you guys. So, there was no intent for me tell you!

Donut: You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?

The Warthog suddenly flips up on the base from below by an explosion, landing between Donut and the others.

Grif: What the hell..!?

Sheila fires.

Grif: SON OF A BITCH!

Donut: Oh crap! (picks up the flag) What the hell is that thing?

Grif: (crouching next to the Warthog) That's the tank!

Donut: Hey uh, Grif, uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?

Sheila fires.

Grif: No, keep that away from me!

Mateo: Step aside, A-holes. It's time for me to show you all what a Marine can do!

Cut to the Blues with Sheila fires.

Tucker: Why do you keep firing at the jeep?

Caboose: Because it's locked on!

Sheila: Target locked.

Tucker: Well, unlock it.

Caboose: Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!

Tucker: Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then... (spots six objects) Hey, what's that?

Caboose: Huh?

Tucker: Oh shit!

The rockets manage to score direct hits, but Sheila was still operational.

Sheila: (distorted) Systems suffered. Power a- a-at 65%.

Cut to the Reds

Mateo: (looks down and slams the Hydra to the ground) Useless Junk! Can't even destroy a fucking tank, with a full six rockets!

Donut: I hate to be the one to point this out guys, but I think we're screwed.

Sheila fires.

Simmons: Yeah. I have to agree with the rookie on this one.

Radio sounds.

Sarge: (on radio, from a Pelican dropship) Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-

Grif: Oh my god, Sarge, is that you?

Sarge: Roger that, Private. I am currently in-bound to your position from Command.

Simmons: Sir, this is Simmons.

Sarge: Hello, Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.

Grif: Actually, sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived, and somehow he managed to infiltrate the Blue Base, and now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, one of their guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.

Sarge: (radio sounds) ... (more radio sounds) ...Am I talkin' to the right base?

Mateo: (on the radio) Sarge, there's an enemy tank raining hell on our position! We request for immediate air support, over!

Sarge: Roger, Rivera. Hold tight, boys. I think I gotta solution to your little "tank" problem.

Cut to the Blues.

Tucker: (sees a Pelican flies over Red Base) Uh oh. Hey, Caboose, (starts backing up) you might wanna get out of the tank. Like right now.

Caboose: I can't figure out how to get this thing open!

Sheila: Night vision engaged.

Tucker: Rookie, get out now!

Shells exploding progressively nearer to the tank.

Caboose: Okay, open the do-Okay, I, Sheila, will you please open the door?

Sheila: Driver canopy open. (Caboose gets out and runs away) Thank you for using the M808V Main Battle-

Shell hits Sheila and the explosion turns her upside down.

Caboose: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! Running, running, running! (reaches Tucker, panting) Man, that was close.

Tucker: Look at your tank though.

Sheila: I'm scared, Dave. Will I dream? Daisy... (distorted, elongated) Daisy...

Caboose: Sheeeeiilaaaaa! Noooooo!

Tucker: What? No! Sheila! Sheila! W-Wait... Who's Sheila?

Caboose: Sheila's the lady in the tank. She was my friend...

Tucker: Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!