Why Am I Here? (Red Vs Blue)

Episode 3: The Rookies

Mateo, Simmons and Grif are on top of Red Base. A soldier in red armor (Donut) is walking up the ramp behind them.

Simmons: Hey, that's not exactly what happened.

Mateo: What are talking about? Of course, it did.

Grif: Exactly. You said, "I'm not going to the Vegas quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-

Donut: Excuse me, uh, sirs.

Grif: Sirs? (turns to Donut) Ah crap.

Donut: I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge.

Grif: Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.

Simmons: Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he's gone.

Grif: You are such a kiss-ass.

Mateo: Actually, guys, he never told us on who is in charge.

Simmons: Meh.. I don't care. I'm in charge.

Mateo: Simmons, you don't know how to lead the team. You're too much of kiss-ass for that.

Simmons: I don't like your tone, Private. You want me to report you to Sarge?

Mateo: Sure, go right ahead because I don't give a fuck! And while you're at it, you can kiss my ass too.

Simmons: Oh.. you're gonna get it. (To Grif) Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should... (clears throat then poorly imitates Sarge) "Git in the Warthog, and crush yer head like a tomato-can."

Grif: ...That's the worst impression I've ever heard.

Mateo: Of all time.

Simmons: Okay rookie, what's your story?

Donut: Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.

Mateo: Is that actually your name?

Donut: Uhh.. yes.

Mateo: Heh. I bet Gordon Ramsay will say that you're the literal walking insult of one, (imitates GR's voice) you Donut.

Donut: ...Gordon who?

Mateo: (grunts) Never mind.

Grif: Couple things here, rookie. First off, Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?

Donut: This IS the standard issue red.

Grif: Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.

Donut: (looks at Simmons and Mateo) Well, he's wearing red armor. And so is he.

Mateo: You're right about me, but I have green on some places to distinguish myself from the other reds. Though you are wrong about Simmons.

Simmons: Exactly, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red.

Donut: Well, how do I get a different color armor?

Mateo: I don't know. How about you go find some fucking paint, so that way you'll be able to stop bitching on getting a new fucking color!

Simmons: I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

Church, Tucker, and a soldier in standard issue blue (Caboose) are looking at a tank.

Caboose: So I say to the guy, "How're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship," and I go, "If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

Tucker: Hey, kid.

Caboose: Yeah?

Tucker: You're ruining the moment. Shut up.

Caboose: Oh. Okay. You got it man!

Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole god damn world with this thing.

Cut to the Reds.

Simmons: Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal.

Grif: I just refuse to call him Private Donut!

Simmons: We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?

Donut: Absolutely!

Simmons: We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of elbow grease.

Mateo: Oh, and find some Takis while you're at it.

Grif: Yeah and uh, pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma too.

Donut: The what?

Mateo: He means the Warthog. You know, the jeep?

Grif: You do know where the store is, right, Rookie?

Donut: What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.

Simmons: Well, get going then.

Donut starts running across the base.

Grif: Other way.

Donut turns around and goes the other way.

Donut: I knew that. Just got turned around that's all.

The Reds watch Donut running off into the Gulch.

Simmons: How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?

Grif: I say... at least a week.

Mateo: I can't say because y'all a bunch of idiots.

Grif: Says the one, who is younger than us and insecure about everything around us.

Mateo: Shut the fuck up, fatso! I was trained to be self-aware.

Donut runs through the Gulch, stops, and turns to talk to himself.

Donut: Elbow grease... How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant.

Cut to the Blues.

Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.

Church: Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?

Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron: The more you can hook up, the better it gets.

Cut to the Reds

Simmons: You think that we were too mean to the kid?

Grif: Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?

Mateo: Fuck. You just had to jinx us all, didn't you?

Donut approaches Blue Base.

Donut: Finally, there it is. ...Oh sweet! They sell tanks!