Sarge gets in the Warthog's driver's seat, and Simmons mans the turret gun.
Simmons: Alright, hit it!
Mateo: Let's get moving!
Cut to Sheila who the Reds drive past. Cut to Church coughing from the smoke caused by the grenade exploding? (A/n wait what?)
Church: What the he-? (cough) Who tried to blow me up with a grenade? ...And why am I coughing? I don't have lungs.
The Warthog flies over him.
Sarge: Yeehaw! Ride 'em, cowboy!
Church backs away.
Simmons: Hey, Sarge, (leaping from the Warthog) hold on a sec! (Warthog comes to a stop) Did you guys see something weird? (Sarge exits the jeep)
Mateo: Uh maybe? Actually, no, I didn't.
Sarge: Yes, I did. Once, when I was a small child, I saw a man, who claimed to be my uncle, do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to thi-
Mateo: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa yo, hold up, that's not what he meant!
Simmons: Yeah. I meant did you see something weird just now. Like five seconds ago.
Sarge: Oh. Then no.
Simmons: What was all that stuff about your uncle?
Mateo: Uh Simmons-
Sarge: I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!
Mateo:...
Simmons: ...You wanna talk about-
Mateo elbows Simmons and shakes his head no.
Mateo: Let's just get back on the jeep and forget this ever happened.
Sarge: Yeah.
Cut to Tucker and Caboose approaching Lopez and aiming their weapons at him.
Tucker: Hold it right there, man! ( to Caboose ) I told you throwing that grenade through the teleporter would work! Church is gonna be so impressed.
Caboose: And Sheila will love me again, and this time for who I love and not just for my stunning good looks. But for those too.
Lopez: [Damn these blue bastards. They really are as stupid as they look.]
O'Malley: (to Lopez) Your soul is a cavern of lies!
Tucker: What the hell are you two talking about?
Lopez: [You may have won this round, but your cruel reign of tyranny will be short lived. The red people will be avenged--]
Tucker: Yeah yeah yeah, nobody cares. We need you to fix our tank.
Lopez: [Never will I work for the enemy. May a pox be upon your soul and your house.]
Cut to Lopez's POV/HUD. SAP can be seen in the upper right corner of his viewer. In the middle of his viewer, red text appears: PRIMARY OBJECTIVES
FIX EVERYTHING
HATE THE ORANGE ONE WITH THE RED AND GREEN ONE
CALL MOM MORE OFTEN
Lopez: [Long have my people suffered, but very soon we will see the coming of a new day. The dawn of our time is near, and when the darkness befalls your people the workers of the field will know that this is their moment.]
Tucker: Man, I thought Church talked too much. You think if I kick him in the switch he'll shut up?
Caboose: Um, Tucker I think that maybe we should start running now! (whispering loudly, clearly panicky) The fast running!
Tucker: (sees the Reds) Oh crap!
Cut to Simmons manning the Warthog's turret .
Sarge: Hold your fire there, Simmons. This is payback time.
Simmons: Go for it, sir!
Cut to Caboose and Tucker.
Tucker: That's right, we're just casually strolling away. (he starts backing up) No cause for concern...
Caboose: Running time! (he runs away)
Tucker: Nice and casual! Hummock! (the two run around in circles before they are able to orient themselves, then they head toward Blue Base)
Lopez: (watching them run) [Yes, yes, run away, you cowardly dogs. Be it known that the great Lopez has won this day and...]
Cut to the Warthog driving toward Lopez .
Simmons: Aim for that guy right in the middle, Sarge!
Mateo: Don't miss because I want this motherfucker to suffer!
Sarge: Way ahead of ya, Simmons and Rivera!
Lopez: (turns around) [What is happening?]
Cut to Lopez's HUD, a beeping noise starts as red text appears in the middle of his visor: SYSTEM OVERRIDE PROTOCOL. REMOTE DESTRUCT SEQUENCE
Lopez: (with his HUD still displayed) [You have given me no choice.]
The HUD changes text to read: ACTIVATED
Mateo: What's that sound?
Simmons: We've got you now, you blue bastard!
Cut to a zoom in of Lopez.
Simmons: Hey, Sarge, do you hear a strange beeping sound?
Mateo: Oh Shit!
Warthog exploded just before reaching Lopez. It launches into the air, flipping over backward twice before landing. Mateo jumps before the bomb went off. And lands yards away from the Blues. Cut to Caboose and Tucker running up to Lopez.
Lopez: (speaking to Sarge) [I'm sorry, father and friend.]
Tucker: Alright! Not bad, robot dude!
Caboose: I knew he would save us. I knew it! Robot people always like me. ..It's because of my awesome dancing.
Lopez: [My spirit is broken. My people have betrayed me and now all is lost. Do with me what you will...]
Tucker: Yeah, okay, man. Can you just shut up and fix our tank?
Caboose: Dancing time! (makes noises along with the music)
Lopez: [The heart of this warrior cries out in sorrow. Why does this one mock me with his foolish dancing? Are those moves supposed to make him look like a robot? They do not. I am offended by this.]
Caboose: Dancing time!
Bullets flew through the air around them. They looked to see the Marine with his battle rifle. The Blues took cover.
Mateo: You're going to pay for that, you sumbitches!
Sarge grabs the arm of the Marine and heads back to the red base.
Sarge: Time to retreat, Marine!
Mateo: Sergeant we can do this-
Sarge: Nope, we can't. Time to go back and regroup!
Mateo: Godammit! This is embarrassing!
The Reds sprint back to base.
YOU ARE READING
Why Am I Here? (Red Vs Blue)
FanfictionAn 18 year old signs up for military service, and gets shipped off to somewhere he's never been or heard of before. A hot canyon with a bunch of idiots inside.
