Church and Tucker are behind a rock with bullets hitting the canyon wall behind them.
Church: My god, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?
Tucker: You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank.
Church: Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?
Tucker: Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.
Church: Well, yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya.
Cut to Caboose hopping in the tank. As the canopy closes, the tank turns on.
Tank: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose: Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Caboose: Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you.
Sheila: Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving.
Caboose: Okay.
Cut to Simmons firing the Warthog's gun with Grif and Mateo on the ground behind him.
Grif: Simmons. SIMMONS!
Mateo: STOP FIRING, YOU IDIOT!
Simmons stops firing, and steps down.
Grif: Man, that thing is loud.
Sheila drives by in the background.
Simmons: ...WHAT?
Mateo: Dammit! He's deaf!
Grif: Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out.
Simmons: OKAY.
Grif: Keep it down! Jesus. Let's go, before they figure out what's going on.
Mateo: He can't hear us. You moron.
Cut to Caboose having Sheila stranded on a tall rock and turning to try to get off.
Sheila: Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features.
Caboose: No, no, wait, go back! Why are there if there are only four directions?
Cut to the Blues
Church: (whispering) Psst, hey, they stopped firing.
Tucker: Why are you whispering?
Church: (whispering) Uhm... I don't know.
Cut to the Reds standing at the foot of a cliff.
Grif: Aw, crap, I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way.
Simmons: Tell me again, uh, why did we get out of the jeep?
Mateo: I don't know, you're in charge.
Sheila rolls up right behind them. Mateo takes notice.
Mateo: Uh, guys?
Grif: Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long.
Mateo: Fellas?
Simmons: Well, at least that was fun.
Mateo: HEY! GUYS!
Simmons/Grif: What, Rivera?!
Grif and Simmons turn simultaneously to see the tank.
Grif: Holy CRAP. What in God's name is that thing?
Mateo: I don't know, why don't you tell me what the fuck it is!
Cut to Church and Tucker looking at the vacant Warthog.
Church: Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out.
Tucker: No they're not, look - they left the jeep. They're gone.
Church: Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but... alright screw it, let's go get it.
Cut to Sheila's HUD. Her cross hair slowly homes in on Grif's head.
Grif: Dudes, hold still. I don't think it sees us.
Mateo: Bitch, please. I'm 100% sure the crew saw us.
A tone goes off indicating target lock.
YOU ARE READING
Why Am I Here? (Red Vs Blue)
FanfictionAn 18 year old signs up for military service, and gets shipped off to somewhere he's never been or heard of before. A hot canyon with a bunch of idiots inside.
