Secrets - Seungjin

Chapter 17 - Deja vu

November 29th 1:52 pm

Okay let's lay out some facts here. A distraction. You know.. a mind map if you will. Because I wish my mind had its own map, but I'm fucking stupid.

Starting off with the basics: I hate Hyunjin. Hyunjin hates me.

Jisung hates Minho. Minho is friends with Hyunjin.

Minho makes fun of us so Felix and I hate him too.

We all hate Minho and Hyunjin, as well as their whole friend group.

Changbin is part of that friend group, but he's dating Felix.

Felix thinks we should all be friends (dumbass behavior)

Jisung and Minho are awfully sus and kissed in 7th grade.

Hyunjin hates me. Hyunjin also protected me when Chan tried to hurt me.

Hyunjin also asked if I was okay. Over text and in real life.

Hyunjin treated my wounds and took the blame for the whole fight.

Hyunjin said that it was good Chan and I never dated.

Hyunjin hates me though.

Hyunjin told me I didn't know that much about him. And it hurts now.

Why does it hurt?

Why me?

After that eventful day of the fight, my parents immediately took me back to the hospital to run tests.

Now I had been getting regular check ups in remission and I was due for my latest one, my parents just rushed it after hearing of my condition.

And I came clean. But I really didn't. All my parents know is that I fainted after that fight, which I still blame on hitting my head too hard on the porch. Nothing more than that.

If I told them too much, it would only make things worse. My revilation had already shifted the tides in the household. No longer were my parents and brother happily eating breakfast at the table when I came down every morning.

Instead they were silent or... crying.

If it haven't been for that stupid little fight, none of this would happened. Everything would've been normal just like it had been since I was cancer free.

Maybe I shouldn't have let Hyunjin open the door. If I opened it that night, maybe I could've stopped it all.

But the guilt on all sides was eating me alive. Seeing Hyunjins face everyday after was a reminder on how I pushed my problems on my family and my enemies.

Maybe this was my chance to finally leave them.

I mean when was the last time I made my family happy? Maybe once I'm gone, they can live forever in a happy state like they had been.

I look up from my diary with tear welled eyes. I was sitting on a hospital bed, with my all too familiar ugly hospital gown on, and wires hooked up to me like I was a robot.

My parents sat to my left on those uncomfortable chairs, the two of them barely muttering any words. They just stared at the floor.

I would do anything for their lips to just lift the tiniest bit in the corners. But that seemed impossible. They looked so distant.

I didn't even realise the tears that dropped onto my diary pages until the dreadful knock sounds on the hospital room door.

Doctors and nurses rush in as my parents look wide eyed. The two of them quickly stand up, knowing that they were going to hear the results of my testing.