Secrets - Seungjin

Chapter 7 - Infront of him

"Minnie?" Hyunjins voice echoes in my ears.

Fuck fuck fuck not infront of him.

"Woah shit are you crying?" Hyunjin places his hands on my shoulder. Thank goodness there was nobody else in the bathroom otherwise my panic would've sky rocketed.

I don't look up, instead I stare at my shaking hands. I felt so tired. My mind was racing but it felt like my body was about to give out.

I watched the way Hyunjin tried to meet my eyes under my bangs, then sighing and pulling out his phone. But I couldn't move. I stood there frozen infront of him, trying to catch my breath that I had been chasing.

Chan's gonna hate me now.

I probably hurt his feelings.

But he hurt mine first right?

Ah this is so confusing!

And Hyunjins going to use this against me till the end of time! I'm so fucking stupid!

Before I knew it, two figures had entered through the bathroom door behind me. Hyunjin finally lets go of my shoulders as two other hands replace them.

"Fuck Seungminnie... are you okay?" Felix's voice fills my ears, bringing me back to reality. I was quickly handed a water from Jisung who now stood at the other side of me.

I chug down the liquid as the fog in my mind starts to clear. My breathing slowly restoring to its normal speed.

I watch the way Felix looks up at Hyunjin who was just about to leave the bathroom. "Uhm thanks for telling us." Felix says with a confused tone, but Hyunjin just walks out the bathroom in silence.

My friends stay with me in the bathroom even after the bells for class rang, helping me regain control of myself and recover from the small panic attack.

And then they pop the question, "What the hell happened Seungmin-ah?" Jisung was the first to ask.

I sigh and lean my head back on the cold bathroom wall, "Chan kissed me."

"WHAT!" The twins yell out in sync. That was almost as surprising as them finding me with my enemy in the bathroom. What an eventful 10 minutes huh?

"Yeah..." I nervously chuckle, "Chan said he wanted to talk to me so we went into the janitors closet," I clear my throat as the twins eyes widen even more, "but all we did was kiss!" I quickly reassure them.

"What the helllll." Jisung brings his hands to his head, "You literally just kissed everyone's dream boy!"

"Yah he's not everyone dream boy." Felix nudges jisungs side, trying to make him aware of the situation. Though he probably just said that because his dream boy was Seo Changbin.

"But I pushed him away." I finally squeak out, keeping my head low, "It didn't feel right. I though my first kiss would've been magical."

The twins stop play fighting and exchange glances before wrapping their arms around me. "Aww Seungminnie, sometimes love doesn't feel like the movies describe it as." Felix says softly while rubbing my shoudler. "Maybe it was the bitch in him shining through the kiss."

"But I didn't like it. Is something wrong with me? Chan's the perfect guy right?" I could feel tears brimming my eyes again. It was stupid for me to dwell on this so much, but It felt so wrong.

"Maybe he's not meant for you, there are so many other boys out there don't worry." Jisung adds on with his own comforting voice, "And just because hes hot doesnt mean you automatically love him. I'm sure one day you'll find somebody who gives you that spark."

I sniff and wipes my tears away, "yeah your right. Chan was being so rude anyway, I deserve someone who doesn't talk down on sexuality like that."

"You 100% do Seungmin-ah."

November 5th, 3:34pm

Today was an eventful day eh?

I had my first kiss.

And I feel disgusting for it. I can't believe I let somebody like him take my first kiss away. It was supposed to be special.

I should've pushed him away before he had the chance to take that away from me.

After all he said, he doesn't deserve me.

I don't deserve him either.

So what if he's hot as fuck? He's a bitch and if there's anything I learned these past years is to not waste precious moments of life.

I'm not gonna play his little games.

He's weird. Everything's strange.

But what's even stranger.

Is that hyunjin helped me when I had an attack.

Hyunjin and help in the same sentence? Like what the hell?

I don't really know what was happening to me but I do know that he's the one who called jisung and Felix. And he didn't leave.

He stay there next to me until he knew I was safe with my friends?

What the fuck happened to the Hwang Hyunjin who'd leave me outside the school in negative temperatures so nobody saw us walk in together?

When I tell you today was a fever dream, I'm not lying.

Like god damn.

Anyways.

I think that him witnessing that panic attack of mine might be the most embarassing thing that has ever ever happened possibly ever.

My hand is literally shaking while writing this and thinking about how I'm going to face him after this. Fuck me dude.

The last time he probably saw me cry was like 1st grade. He probably things a pussy little bitch or something.

Oh my god what if he recorded it? Fuck fuck fuckkkkkk

Lets just pray that's not the case.

Maybe he pitied me then? Because I was crying and shaking? Is that any better?

I hate when people pity me.

That's precisely why all of my secrets must stay confined to this diary.

Because if someone finds out, that's the only thing the world will see me as. A helpless sick boy. At this point, I don't even want treatment if what I'm going through is really a r word. Maybe it's better off to just let nature take its course.

I mean if I was meant to die then so be it.

Holy shit that was dark.

What I meant to say is.

If my symptoms get worse, I just have to get better at hiding them right?

Right.