K.

Chapter 39- The Call

After I spent the night crying myself to sleep, I woke up the next morning with a swollen face, stinging eyes and a single text from Alex. It'd been sent at around 3 AM.

I still hadn't fully processed the situation. I came home, collapsed on the bed, cried and then somehow fell asleep. That was last night summed up. When I saw the text first thing in the morning, the reality hit me again and I just wasn't ready to face it yet. So, I distracted myself by doing my usual work around the house. I did some vacuuming, laundry and re-organizing. It worked for a while but then as time passed and I got to the end of it, I started getting more and more anxious to see what he'd sent. At around noon, I gave in to my urges and finally opened the text.

Alex: You're probably asleep as I write this but I've been thinking about everything that happened today. I realise I was wrong and made some huge blunders, which I take full responsibility for. There's been a huge misunderstanding and I can't explain it to you but right now, for what it's worth, I am sorry. I really do feel bad about all of it, to the point that I can't even get myself to sleep.
It read.

Misunderstanding. I had no curiosity to know what he meant by that. I was so obvious yet he was still completely oblivious. My only relief was knowing I wasn't completely wrong for the way I reacted as he'd accepted he was at fault too. I still believed I could've been less brutal to him because it seemed to have affected him more than what I expected.

Me: It's okay, I'm sorry too. I really regret the things I said to you. I don't think it was necessary.

Within a few seconds, my phone chimed as I got a reply back from him. For someone that never used their phone, that was concerningly quick.

Alex: Can I call you?

I really wanted to say no. It hurt to even think of him after everything I knew. But if I'd said no, he'd think I was still mad at him and it would cause more tension between us. I was left with no other option.

Me: Sure, go ahead.

I got that call the second he saw the text.

Alex: Hello?

The sound of his voice... I could feel my heartbeat in my throat.

Me: Tell me.

Alex: Hope you're not mad at me anymore.

Who said anything about anger when heart-break was the case.

Me: No really, I wasn't myself last night. The things I said, they were very unkind. I shouldn't have...

Alex: That's alright. What I did wasn't very kind either.

Me: I mean, what could you do? He's your best friend.

My mouth tried to comfort him but my brain would beg to disagree.

Alex: But so are you.

Me: Yeah, but you can't pick favorites between us.
Said my mouth.
"You should've picked me." Said my brain.

Alex: I should've picked you.

Me: ...

Alex: Hello?

Me: Yeah... I'm here.

Alex: Listen, I know that last night... it was different, it was much different from our usual fights. So, I really wanted to make sure everything was okay between us. That's why I called.

Me: Don't worry about it. I know we'll be fine.

Alex: Alright then.

Me: Yeah

Alex: ...

Me: ...

Alex: Kristen?

Little did he know that my eyesight was getting blurry with tears on the other end of the line. I could hear the hurt and worry in his voice but it was nothing compared to how I found it physically exhilarating to say another word to him because my throat was so tight from all the intense emotions I was feeling. Yet, even in that vulnerable state, I couldn't help but care more about how he felt. I couldn't bear causing him the slightest discomfort since I'd fallen for him and I knew my silence was causing him a lot of it.

Me: ...

Alex: Are you there...?

Me: Mhm.
Was all I could say without giving it away.

Alex: Is there anything else you wanted to add or talk about?

Me: No.

Alex: Okay, I'll end the call then. Bye.

Me: Bye.

I put my phone on the counter and went back to making lunch. I really thought after last night that I had no more tears left to cry. But I couldn't have been more wrong. After the call ended, I couldn't stop. I fell apart. I kept thinking and thinking about what happened last night at the restaurant. What Miles said, how Alex reacted. I didn't want to accept the fact that he didn't feel the same for me but his reaction last night aligned with what Miles had said. I was in denial but I wasn't an idiot. Alex had proved time and time again, with every argument, every challenging situation that although he did love me, he didn't love me the way I loved him. It wasn't that easy or straightforward,  for sure. There were a lot question marks. Some of the oddly romantic things he'd said and done still confused me. The looks we'd shared over the past couple months, how could they only mean something as shallow as lust and seduction? The one explanation I could come up with, was that it was all a game to him and he'd played me well.

Regardless, there was no point in questioning things or refusing to accept. Something told me there was some hope, some possibility. But I couldn't take my assumptions and feelings as truth when we had the final verdict from the man himself.