K.

Chapter 27- Back to LA

Alex's POV

The flight back to Los Angeles was a lot less exciting compared to the flight to Rome, with no shows or proposals to look forward to. Honestly if anything, it was depressing. As much as I loved the city, it's the people that made it feel like home. And by people I meant Kristen. With her pretty much hating me, I didn't have the feeling that I was going back home. Going back to LA felt like going back a familiar foreign city, because truly without her love or company that's all it ever was. She made it feel like home in this past year and a half. But I'm afraid it wasn't about LA or how she made a foreign city feel like home. I had grown so close to her that now I felt as though if I didn't have her, I wouldn't even feel home in Sheffield.

We flew economy on our flight back. I sat by the window and Kristen sat by the aisle. There was a stranger between us and she didn't switch seats to sit next to me. She was right there, a seat away but she felt so distant. And it was my own doing too. I thought of asking to switch to be with her. No one would say no to upgrading to the window seat and only a fool like me would downgrade to the middle seat. It was an amazing deal, would've worked. But I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable especially after last night so I let it be. I gave her space.

It didn't take me long before I fell asleep after we got on. I slept almost the entire time except for lunch and dinner. I was lucky I was tired enough to have that option open for me. I couldn't imagine sitting there for hours just drowning myself in guilt. Kristen was continuing to keep her interaction with me at the minimum but the times she did speak to me, she was trying really hard to be nice. It honestly made me want to cry. I don't think I'd ever seen her so hurt before and never did I at any point think that I would one day be the one to cause her so much pain.

The next morning Kristen was picked up by her friend at the airport and she went straight to work. I went back to my penthouse for a bit instead of going home. The place I bought impulsively after making Kristen hate me the first time, now I was back there again. Matt came along with me while Nick and Jamie left for Sheffield. I was lucky I had Matt. Having him by my side was good. My loneliness and my guilt would've destroyed me if he had chosen to leave with the rest of the boys.

"Is something going on between you and Kristen again?" Matt asked me when we got inside.

"Does anyone else suspect?" I asked, mostly worried about Nick finding out.

"No. No I don't think so. Kristen has just looked pretty gutted the past few days."

"She walked in while I was making out with this girl..." I admitted bluntly out of nowhere.

"What the fuck? What girl?" Matt almost yelled.

"A groupie. She initiated the kiss and I kissed her back for a second without thinking. Then she tried to go further but I stopped her when I realised what I had just done."

Matt was appalled. He took a while to process all that while I stood there with my head down, completely ashamed of myself.

"After you suspected her of liking you? After you fucking lead her on?" He asked in disbelief.

"You know how drunk and high I was. I did it cause I thought it'd make it easier for me to confess to Kristen but..."

"Oh that's fucking rank! A groupie? Seriously? Over her?"

His reaction definitely did not help with the self hate I had been experiencing from all of this. And I deserved it.

"I apologized last night. I told her everything, came clean. I was a better man than I was the last time but I'm afraid that wasn't enough. Things haven't been the same since that night."

"So what now? She's not talking to you at all?" He asked.

"She isn't completely ignoring me, thankfully. I just get this feeling she hates me now and it's the worst thing ever." I burried my head into my hands.

"She's got a heart of gold for even being kind to you after that." He rubbed salt to the wound.

"I know. God I love her so much I just wish... I could undo what I have done." I was so close to crying but I kept myself together.

"Hey hey hey, it's okay... well truth be told it's not but," we both almost laughed at his brutal honesty although neither of us were in the mood to.

"She hates me now, doesn't she? I mean, she has to." I was making myself feel worse with my own thoughts and questions, I was aware of it. But I couldn't get myself to stop, probably because I believed I deserved the self sabotage for what I had done.

"Fuck are you talking about? She loves you. She wouldn't be so upset if she hated you." Matt said aggressively.

"I guess. But what good is that now. Things will probably never be the same again and I can't even do anything about it."

"Let's give her some time. I'm not gonna tell you that you were completely innocent in this situation but she's a smart girl. She'll probably consider the fact that you were not fully conscious when all of that happened."

"She did do something similar as well, maybe now you can call it even?" Matt said hesitantly. He was saying just about anything to comfort me.

"We're not fucking even Matt. She never lead me on with Josh. But what I did... it feels like I cheated."
I was in the wrong and I knew that. Matt didn't say anything much because he knew it too.

"Alright we'll see how it goes okay? Like I said, give her time. It'll be okay." Matt gave me a hug although he was still visibly mad at me.

But I needed that hug from him more than anything else. For just one person to make me feel like I was somehow going to fix this, for just one person to make me feel like I wasn't an entirely terrible person. That's all I needed.