K.

Chapter 38- This Is It

Alex's Pov

Kristen's words lingered in my heart like little shards of glass. I felt such soreness inside me after the entire argument that I felt incapicitated and unfit to drive. My focus was not on the road at all. I kept thinking of all the accusations she threw at me. Who even was that girl? I certainly couldn't recognize her. So much anger, so much rage. The Kristen I knew would never act in such a way, unless I was missing something. I hurt her by lying, sure. But I couldn't understand why she'd be this furious over the Miles situation alone. There had to be something else. If there was, I knew it'd be on me. I just hoped it was fixable, this mistake I may have made knowingly or unknowingly.

"Was she mad at you? Jeez mate, I'm so sorry about that. I really didn't want to tell her." Miles apologized the second we got in the car and began driving away.

"It's okay. It's not your fault."

I knew blaming Miles wasn't right but I felt slightly irritated at him. If he'd not said a thing, maybe I could've handled it better and not let it progress into a fight. But the last thing I wanted was for Miles to be hurt again tonight. Assuming from the way he was talking to Kristen, I could tell it had not gone well for him. I partly felt guilty for that too because I knew Kristen well enough to know her type. And unfortunately, Miles wasn't exactly it. Their personalities are way off. Knowing my luck when it comes to love, I was worried and a little paranoid that it might actually work out for him. I felt bad for Miles but I was so relieved to know it didn't.

"This whole thing is a mess. I made it all weird between me and her and now I've ruined your friendship with her too, which you probably hate me for." Miles wouldn't stop blaming himself.

"Miles, what are you going on about? Nothing is destroyed. Stop it." I said.

"She specifically told me that she was mad at you because of what I'd said."

"What can you do about it now? It's done. Over. Don't drown yourself in guilt."

"I shouldn't have said you knew." It's like he wasn't listening to what I was saying.

"And I still have no clue what I should've done."

It was a real challenge to keep driving in silence with all this confusion and fog of questions muddling my mind. I kept worrying if she meant any of what she said and if she did, I questioned what I must've done to cause such anger in her. Whatever happened must've happened after I left the dinner table, when the two of them conversed in private. I had no guesses on what it could've been about but there was something for sure. I could just feel it in my gut.

"Can I just ask you something? And you promise not to ask me any follow up questions about it?" I decided to ask Miles and get it over with.

"Go ahead."

"What exactly did you tell her?"

"The confession?" He asked.

"No, about me knowing." I said.

"Oh well. She said she was into someone else and-"

"She said that?"

"I know right, I was just as shocked. Then she questioned me on my reaction and I told her that I was surprised as you'd told me that she was available."

"And that was it?" I knew it couldn't have been.

"Pretty much. Her mood completely changed after that. I could tell."

"Miles, I need details. All the details. Are you sure that's all you said?"
I asked him once again. I couldn't take any chances.

"Well, I didn't think it'd be necessary to include this part, but I did tell her that you said that the two of you weren't dating. Is that relevant?" He asked.

"I said, no questions." I reminded him. With all the doubts Miles already had about us, I didn't want to plant anymore ideas in his brain.

"Right, sorry."
"Oh, oh and that I asked you if you had feelings for her and that you said you didn't." He added.

Could that be...?

"That was all?" One last confirmation and I had a clear answer.

"Yeah and then I apologized for making her feel uncomfortable. That was everything that happened, word by word." Miles concluded.

I almost stopped the car in the middle of the highway. This was it. This had to be it. The someone else she had feelings for, it was me. She was hurt because she thought I didn't like her... back. It made sense with what she was trying to tell me earlier as well, before Miles interrupted. She likes me. ME. Oh my God.

All the pain and frustration I was feeling seemed to numb and turn to regret. I was so overwhelmed that I had no idea what to do. I felt dizzy, nauseous and breathless all at the same time. My weak, trembling hands gripping the steering wheel, all I wanted was to take a U- turn, show up at her house and tell her I felt the same way. Kiss her, apologize to her about how wrong I was. How wrong I'd been in every fight, every argument. Knowing the truth, I could only imagine how horrible of a person I must've looked like all along.

After I had that realization, I kept making connections. Every time we fought, we were fighting from the same frustration. We were fighting each other with the same wrong assumptions, for the same reasons. We were so blind, neither of us could see it. I only saw my feelings and my hurt, and her lack thereof. She only saw her feelings and her hurt and my lack thereof. It was so mutual all along. All of the love, all of the hate. But we just never saw it. It was ironic how it all panned out.

But I'd made more mistakes, undoubtedly. I was well aware. I knew I had to fix this. That would be the hardest part of it all. So, if I could get past this one hurdle, I promised myself that I'd finally confess to her. I'd just have to. There's no way I could continue my cowardice if I could get her back. That would be pure arrogance. She was too good for me to wait around. I needed to be quick. I couldn't lose her after almost getting her. That'd be a kind of pain that would be impossible to get over. I would never be able to forgive myself for that.

After I got home, I spent all night sleepless, tossing and turning in my bed. How could I sleep knowing she was out there hurting because of me, with no idea that I loved her too? The urge to drive to her house and tell her everything right away almost took over me again. I physically couldn't stand hiding my feelings anymore. I physically couldn't stand letting her be in pain for another second. I had to tell her. I almost did it. Almost. Ofcourse, it was moronic and impractical because from the way she spoke to me tonight, there seemed to be a good chance of things changing on her end. She didn't seem just mad at me, she seemed disgusted. And I couldn't feel worse about it.