👵Gran Review👵 (Temporarily Closed)

#R29 My Maid And I

👵》Cover / Title
The cover definitely needs work but it's okay, here for the story not the cover but a good cover does help a story so it should be eye-catching and stand out from others.

👵》Blurb/Story Description
The blurb introduces the characters, and asks a lot of questions but it doesn't really hook me into it. I think you could definitely work for a better blurb, need to sell the story more because it doesn't generate a strong interest.

👵》World
It definitely needs world building and setting the scene, it doesn't have to be too descriptive but enough to be able to get a hint of the environment the characters are in, imagine watching movies where there is no backdrop? Just people talking and acting to a white background? I definitely wouldn't watch it. 😂

👵》Plot & Conflict
Haven't gotten into the plot and conflict yet, but a well written story can be engaging without a solid plot so definitely focus on other aspects first. Execution > Outline.

👵》Characters
The main character outfit is described but not much else, definitely need to describe their appearance more and build on their actions / body languages. A lot of characters are introduced early but none of them really stand out? Like they're just background characters that aren't important.

👵》Enjoyment/Engagement
The story lacks descriptions I would say, and it seems that you do a lot of telling instead of showing, it's hard to be immersed into the world when you tell a lot and of course, the lack of descriptions also make it hard to imagine the world they are in. Definitely need to work on showing, seeing and hearing the world through the eyes of your character. 

You can try writing something like...

My eyes squint as sunlight streams through the glass windows, partially blinding me as it casts heat on my face, I turn to a murmur of conversation to see the line of customers Zoey mentioned extends out from the counter. Some tap their feet nervously, a few chatting with each other and at the back end is a businessman who keeps checking his watch.

At the front of the line is a group of boys, their eyes glued to the menus as Zoey works the coffee machines, calm and composed under pressure. Steam hisses as I approach the counter, and a glint of mischief flashes through their eyes as they look at me. "What can I getcha?" I ask in a bored tone, taking in the smell of freshly brewed coffee as Zoey poured them into cups.

"How about your number?" The wine haired boy smirks, the others chuckle as they exchange knowing looks and nudges, sporting the same graphic t-shirts and jeans but only one of them is wearing a baseball cap turned backward.

"Nice try kiddo, coffee or iced tea?" His smile withers, they can act as brazen as they want but they are still juniors, hiding their insecurities behind false bravado.