👵Gran Review👵 (Temporarily Closed)

#R24 The Mariposa

👵》Cover / Title
Cities in the sky and a bunch of Mariposa, thematically fits I suppose but I think having characters with butterfly wings would be better, almost thought it was a story about butterflies. 😂

👵》Blurb/Story Description
The blurb is okay, it sets the world where the character is in and what to expect from the story (Conflict between Mariposa and Castle), though I feel that the story doesn't introduce them well enough yet in the early chapters, definitely need to highlight the conflict more between the two factions and her mission (Plot and decision) feels so far away from the starting point.

👵》World
As I was reading it, I noticed that there is a lack of visual backdrop / scene building, personally I don't need a lot of details / descriptions but just enough to help me form an imagination of how a scenario plays out. You show the characters actions well but not the place they are in for example in the arena, how does the arena look or feel like?

👵》Plot & Conflict
Based on the blurb, the main conflict would be choosing between Mariposa and The Castle, though I've only read the part about her and Mariposa. By the third chapter, I do feel like just rushing through the texts just to get to the part where the plot starts 😂 It starts too slow for me.

The exposition is nice though I prefer stories that start close to the plot (blurb) because at the moment it doesn't feel like I am reading a story the blurb promised, but there is at least seeds being planted to support the blurb with her doubting the Mariposa in Chapter 2, so I can't comment much on this.

👵》Characters

Adding more details to Kalon would be nice, especially things that could be revealed without needing to change much, for example. "Kalon's dark brown eyes shot me a glare, small and hooded, her thin lips frowning with anger.

And maybe add some backstory between them to create tension in the match, maybe they had always been compared by their peers? That everyone thinks Kalon is more deserving or is better and she felt the need to prove something, or maybe they train together and are close friends so there is emotional stake of how their relationship would change after the match.

The character's senses could also be used, the pain she felt from the exposition could be described, and maybe even her muscles weakening with fatigue. Emphasising the character's experience would make the action scene more engaging imo.

👵》Enjoyment/Engagement
The story is engaging in the first chapter, I think the world is interesting but lacks description to make it truly come alive, even in the action scene I can only imagine two characters in a blank space fighting. 😂 The idea for the story is cool though, I think it would be better to start the story closer to the plot so the reader can immediately get into the tension and conflict, as it is, I feel like engagement falls off in the second chapter.