Ishq-e-Watan

Chapter 81- Shaken

CHAPTER 81

SHAKEN

'For once, unn gunshots ne mujhe Mumma ki yaad nahi dilaayi. Balki, they grounded me. They grounded me to the present. It wasn't a pleasant experience. Not even close. Every gunshot brought a jolt of fear. Kya Karan Sir theek hain? Faizi Sir? Sanju ma'am? Did they get shot? Hurt? Did they need me? But the orders were clear and I couldn't run out. Even jab Sid ne hug kara mujhe, tab bhi kuchh theek nahi lag raha tha. I could still hear the gunshots.

Par woh sab theek the. Barring the scrapes and scratches on Karan Sir and Sanju ma'am from falling, woh teenon theek the. No gunshot wounds, no broken limbs, kuchh nahi. And then, Karan Sir aur Faizi Sir wahin ruke rahe par Sanju ma'am hume waapas le aaye. Mujhe nahi jaana tha waapas. I wanted to go to Karan Sir. I wanted to check him up, bandage him, because he was bleeding. But it was an order and I couldn't do anything. Agar aaj ek cheez hai jo mujhe realize hui hai, woh yeh hai ki no matter how capable I am, maybe there are times I wouldn't be able to save someone because it defied an order. What should I do then?'

Monami stared at her shaking head, clenching the pen tighter between her fingers. It took a couple of seconds for her hands to stop but even when she resumed writing, her writing was a tad bit shaky.

'What if they died? Kitna bhi keh lo ki shaheedi amarta hoti hai, par sach toh yeh hi hai, na, ki woh insaan humse iss tarah door ho jaata hai ki woh kabhi waapas nahi aata hai. Would I be able to come in my room knowing wahan kabhi Sanju ma'am dobara nahi aayenge? Would I be able to go into the shooting range knowing ki Faizi Sir mujhe kabhi shooting nahi sikhaayenge dobara? Would I be able to go into the kitchen, drink coffee, sit on that tire in training room, knowing ki Karan Sir nahi honge mere saath?

Kya aisa ho sakta hai this happens because I was too scared to fire a gun? Because they had to save me?'

Her fingers paused and she read the last line again. They would die for her, that she didn't doubt. Not just because they cared for her- they did- but because they all considered it their duty. And perhaps, she would be accepting of it if the need wasn't borne out of her own weakness.

Perhaps the key wasn't not being afraid anymore. Perhaps she was striving for the wrong thing. Perhaps it was finding something that terrified her more than being that 16 year old tortured girl.

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"Bhai ji, aap theek ho?" Bala asked. "Thoda... chup chup lag rahe ho."

Sid glanced away from the books he was setting absentmindedly, blinking. He sighed, sitting down on his bed and staring at his roommate. "Bro... I am worried."

"Kis cheez ke liye? Abhi toh exams bhi bahut door hain." He shook his head. Bala glanced up, tilting his head. "Aaj ki wajah se pareshaan ho kya, Bhai ji? Sanju madam theek hain."

"Pata hai mujhe woh theek hai", he said. "But the question is, kab tak? Aaj ka attack... it was planned. Matlab, they must be doing some things that put them in danger. Probably the whole spy thing."

Bala walked closer, sitting down next to him. "Bhai ji, yeh baat toh hamesha hi sach rahegi, na? Karan Sir ji, Faizi Sir ji, Sanju madam, hamesha kuchh naa kuchh kar rahe honge. Kisi ko pakad rahe honge, kisi cheez par kaam kar rahe honge. Aur koi naa koi, unhe yeh sab karne se rokna chahta hoga. Jab hum agents ban jaayenge, toh hum bhi waise hi kaam karenge, na?"

"I know. I am just scared... one day, she won't come back", he muttered. "What will I do then?"

Bala didn't seem to have words and instead just wordlessly, kept his chin on his shoulder, wrapping his arms around his middle. Sid sighed, patting his arm slightly.