Lamb To The Slaughter

010

I sat in my desk chair, my body so tense I thought my muscles would start cramping.

Hongjoong sat on the edge of the desk, observing my behavior like I was just some rat in a maze.

He had me exactly where he wanted me, and there was nothing I could do about it.

My eyes were fixated on my phone that was sitting right next to Hongjoong. The moment I started feeling like I was close to passing out, and he chose to let me sit, he grabbed my phone to keep me from calling anyone.

I should've known better, I should've predicted that that's what he'd do. In reality. I should've done a million things I had failed to do.

I had never been that smart with Hongjoong, even though all of that was unplanned. But my failure with him had ruined me.

And now here I was.

All of my will to keep myself from drowning was gone.

Fuck...

I needed to snap the fuck out of it. What has happened to me?! Was I always this fucking weak and pathetic?! When did I let myself get to this place? I was stronger than this. Better than this.

I couldn't believe I was willing to let whatever that was going to happen actually happen. Just because I was confused and scared.

Actually disgraceful.

I swallowed, my eyes going to his that hadn't once left my face.

"You can't just come back into my life like this, and demand to have me like I'm some kind of possession. That's not how this works. I left for a reason -"

"You left because you were scared."

"Of what?!"

"Of how you felt about me." He replied coolly.

I scoffed, my eyes narrowing at him. "I left because what happened was extremely inappropriate, and I wanted to cut it off completely to keep you from getting any more wrong signs. You deluded yourself into believing a relationship between the two of us was possible."

He smiled at me, his eyes sparkling the moment I responded with the smallest bit of hostility. "I knew of my delusions, Seonghwa. I knew of them very well. But I'm also not an idiot. You choose to treat me like one because you can't accept what happened... That's what is weak."

"Nothing. Happened."

"We kissed. And you let me... and you liked it."

"I never told you that you could kiss me!"

"You never stopped me either. You could've, I gave you a warning, I gave you time to pull away. And then you kissed me back. You say I'm delusional? Who's delusional now, Seonghwa."

"What happened was a mistake!" I was fighting a losing battle, trying to gain any footing in this fight. At this point, I was struggling to convince myself, more so than him. I couldn't truly let myself believe that I was willing and into the kiss Hongjoong and I shared.

I did, though.

And it was so obvious.

Admitting it to him was harder.

"What's holding you back? I'm not a child. I'm not your student. Your brain is like a warzone. Always fighting against what you want. It must be exhausting. If this was so wrong, you wouldn't want it so bad."

"I don't want this. What I want is for you to leave." It didn't help my case for me to sound so unsure. I was unsure about all of it. He was right. My brain was pure chaos.

"You still think it's wrong because of our past. So let me tell you a little story." He sighed, kicking his legs up onto my lap like it was second nature. "Once Upon a Time -"

"I'm not here for games!"

"Once. Upon. A. Time." He continued, giving me a warning glance. "There was a poor boy. He was a lonely boy, not being able to get along with the others. Because the others didn't like him. They thought he was a freak, amongst the other townsfolk. He survived on his own for many years, managing to deal with their hateful words. Until one day, a lively prince came into his town, showing kindness and care to all of the people who lived there. The people grew obsessed with him, and the farmer's daughter was the most obsessed with him.

"You see, she was cunning as well. When she realized the prince had no interest in her... she wanted revenge. She had a plan to take his life, but the poor boy took hers first. Saving his dear prince."

"I'm assuming you're the poor boy." I said, not completely understanding his little story.

"And you're the prince, yes. But are you curious as to who the farmer's daughter is?" He asked, his eyes taunting me.

I stayed silent, waiting for his answer.

"You failed Tara on her paper. And she wanted revenge, so she planned on ruining your career. I got to her first."

It finally dawned on me, just what kind of situation I had found myself in. There weren't just "alarm bells" going off in my head. 

I was going to die, wasn't I? 

"You're scared." He said, a small pout on his lips. 

"Why shouldn't I be? I know what happened to Tara. I knew you didn't like her. You were there...you cried- you comforted me after her death." I felt horrified, it was all too much. 

"Because you're sweet and caring, and you would've never seen it coming. You never saw this coming. She would've ruined you."

 I was extremely numb. 

Because...fuck...maybe he was right? I was going to lose my mind. 

"I want to protect you." 

"I don't need your protection." I breathed, feeling a bit nauseous. 

"Believe me, you do. You need to stop thinking that I'm the student and you're the teacher. Because really...was that ever our dynamic?" He slid off the edge of the desk and took steps closer to me, my brain turned into a puddle and like I was always the one under his control, I almost shut down. "You're losing control, but answer me this one question, my love...do you even want the control? Or does relinquishing it, make you forfeit the sins you're so worried about commiting?"

 "Hongjoong-" I breathed. 

His face hovered over mine as I craned my neck up to look at him. He had the higher ground now that I was sitting, and I had the feeling that he liked that. "Baby, tell me what you want. This time isn't going to work like last time. Tell me." 

How weak could I be? 

If I gave in now...I wasn't worth saving. Every red flag and every warning sign, I had noticed. I was still being manipulated, of course I was, but now I was fully aware of it. If I did this now...there would be no more victims. 

It'd ruin me. 

And I'd be fully to blame. 

"Hongjoong...kiss me."