Lamb To The Slaughter

004

My happiness died down a little bit. Just a little. It wasn't anything that Seonghwa had done.

Because, of course, he remained perfect.

Every morning, I got to see him as we smoked. Sometimes, we ended up sharing a cigarette.

I still remained his favorite student, and I got to witness his glorious smile more and more.

But Tara... she was becoming an issue. It's not like Seonghwa noticed or seemed to care, but her antics of  trying to get Seonghwa to notice her wasn't going unnoticed by all of the other students.

Everyone other than Seonghwa seemed to notice her as she dressed more scampy and giggled at things that were barely a joke. She'd share touches with him whenever she had the ability to, and each time, I wanted to blow her brain out and paint the walls with her blood.

It wasn't that I cared much until she moved her desk next to mine so she could be upfront, too. It was like some sort of competition I found myself in that I didn't want to humor.

I tried not to let it get to my mood, but it wasn't exactly like I wanted to throw a tantrum in front of everyone.

Sure, I was pretty insane.

But not childish.

That was something I prided myself on.

She was testing me, though.

Before I could even raise my hand, her hand would shoot up first.

Her grades got better, not enough to rival mine, but enough to earn a couple of words from Seonghwa.

If anything, he was fair.

And I wanted to hate it, as much as I respected it.

She must've recognized how close we had got, and now she was going after me for it.

It wasn't until one morning while we were smoking that Seonghwa said, "Are you alright? You seem to be quieter this past week."

I sighed, "Just useless school drama I want no part in. I'm not entirely interested in what they have in mind."

"Are you talking about Tara?" He asked, the look in his eye knowing.

It always caught me off guard how much he observed everything. It made me wonder how much else he knew.

Did he know my feelings for him? Did he recognize the way my eyes were only for him? If he did... did he share those thoughts? Why else would he smoke with me every morning instead of creating boundaries...

And there went my delusions.

I clicked my tongue, looking away from him for a moment. "This isn't the first time she's tried this. And neither is she the first student to either. A lot of the girls and some guys are tired of their choices in the halls, so they shoot for their teachers. Of course, there are teachers who oblige... She is one to play games, is all."

"Like you?" Seonghwa asked.

Goddamn him.

I smiled a little, still refusing to look at him, even as he stared at me inquisitively. "I am still young, after all. You can't fault me for enjoying games once in a while."

"No, I cannot." He answered, looking away himself. "You shouldn't worry about Tara. She's a smart girl with a lot of potential, she's just focusing on the wrong things right now. At least her grades are getting better. This is her last year. If she does well, then she'll have a good future."

"And you say I like to play games." I muttered.

"Everyone does. And everyone has a motive behind their little tricks and games. Motive does matter. But it needs to be balanced with your actions. Good motive means nothing if your actions can't back it up." 

"What if my motive isn't good? What if my actions aren't either?"

"I'm not hear to teach you morals, Hongjoong." I needed to hear him say my name more. I wondered what it would sound like while he moaned it - "I'm here to teach you to question yourself. And to understand people. Neither of which are easy things to do."

"Tara is eighteen, and so are the other students you have. A lot of which are very interested in you. Would you ever consider a romance with any of them?" I asked it honestly and genuinely, trying not to make him uncomfortable with such a dubious question.

He grimaced, like the thought of it was appalling to him. "There's too many things wrong with that scenario. I don't think in any world I could make sense of it. To date an eighteen year old at my age is offensive enough. But to date a student?"

"I'm going to ask a very immature question, so bare with me." I warned him.

"I'll allow immature questions from you. You don't have them often." He said.

"Hypothetically-"

He smiled, repeating my word, "Hypothetically..."

"If a student of yours was not a student...and was not eighteen. Maybe...mid twenties? Would you consider it?" I asked, not sure if he'd understand my words.

"If there was no unbalance in a relationship, where the age gap wasn't so concerning, and I was not in a position of power over my significant other...I'd believe I could be with that person." He answered carefully.

"What if at one point, you were in position of power over them. But you no longer were. Would you?" I continued, closer to the answer I wanted.

"If at the time, I wanted to be with that person, and there was no lasting imbalance in our relationship, I wouldn't see why. Just because I wouldn't have power over them in that specific way doesn't mean there wouldn't still be the lasting effects of the time I was."

"You want an equal." I stated.

"Of course. I want someone I can support as they support me. And I want to challenge them as they challenge me. Otherwise... it wouldn't feel real, would it?"

"No. I guess not."