All Of You// JJ Maybank

20.

I wake up with a pounding head ache and a decision to make. Music plays from the living room, hurting my head more.

When I finally peel myself from the bed I go straight to the Ibuprofen in the bathroom. I take the pill cupping water in my hand from the sink.

I look like shit. I think to my self. My years had removed most of my make up.  My face is streaky, puffy, and red. I wash my face with the hottest water my eyes can handle, hoping it melts the stiffness away.

I drag a brush through my hair and throw it into a half ass braid. The only thing worse than crying all night is how you feel the next morning. Numb and like you got stung by a million bees.

I slather my dry face in two different moisturizers that promise me miracles.  I take a deep breath and brace myself, hoping no one asks questions about my appearance.

I make my way to the end of the hall. A wet floor sign that jj stole from the grocery store is propped up in the middle of the kitchen. Jj mops the floor and sings into the handle. The music is loud enough to jam to but quiet enough we can speak normally.

Loud noise draws my attention outside. John b pushes the lawn mower while nodding his head, he probably had head phones in.

"Good morning" I cringe. "Its two oclock" he smiles back. "Really? Sorry I didn't mean to sleep so late on chore day" chore day was something we established when I came back home.

None of us likes going chore so we dedicate one day a week and do all of them. Then through out the week it's less of a hassel to do the little stuff.

"Don't worry about it, you look like you had a rough night" "more like a rough month" I roll my eyes as I grab a box of cereal. "Wanna talk about it?" He dipping the mop back into the bucket and rings it out.

"Not with you" "rude" he pretends To be offended but smiles. "You just wouldn't get it. I need someone who would. I need to talk to a girl" I sigh. The only girls I really talk to anymore are John bs friends.

"Don't you have friends in Charleston?" "One, but she was mostly a work friend. The rest were Cades friends" "have you talked to him since things went down?" He Mops the last bit of the living room.

I shake my head. "I don't even know what I'd say. I mean it's not like I want to get back together. Though I wish it were under different circumstances, I'm glad it's over" I sit down at the table and start to eat my cereal.

"Can we talk?" He leans the mop against the wall. "We are?" I look at him confused as he sits across from me.

"Do you remember the talk we had on the couch when you first got here?" How could I forget? He told me he still had feelings for me "Yeah" is all I say. "I turn 18 on Saturday" "I know" I nod, my stomach dropping as I try to figure out where he's going with this

"As much as I'd like to give this a try right away, I'd rather you be in the right place before we do" "what are you saying?" I stare into my bowl, avoiding eye contact.

"You have alot going on. The last thing I want is for us to try something and for you to realize it's too much all at once for you. I want to make sure you really want this too. So there's absolutely no rush into anything between us"

"Thank you jj" I smile. Glad to have at least something off my plate. "Of course pretty lady"

"Actually I do want to talk about one thing" I sigh. "I'm all ears" "this job opportunity in New york" I bite my lip, hoping the reaction isn't as sour as it was yesterday.

He looks upset, like he wants to say something but he doesn't. He only listens. "It would be really good for me, for all of us. I can send money every pay check. That's all you guys really need from me" "you can't honestly think that's true" he furrows his brows.

"John b has made it very clear. Plus he said he wanted to be able to run things around here. This would let him do that"  "but what do you want?" He holds eye contact with me. I falter for a moment.

This is the first time in the last month that anyone has cared about what I want. "I don't want to leave you guys but I also need the money. The job would look great on a resume and she's got great connections"

"I'm only seeing one thing holding you back" "that one thing out weighs all the reasons I should go." "John b made me promise him that i wouldnt try to change ypur mind about leaving" "he wants me to go?" I ask, needing the confirmation.

"We both want what's best for you. Even if that means you leaving again" he tenses his jaw like he wants to say more.

I bite my lip, unsure of what to say. Truthfully, I don't think I want to go to new York even If I know how much it would benefit me. John b spent so much time telling me they don't need me I guess I just wanted to hear that they at least wanted me to stay around.

"What if what i want and whats best are two different things?" "I don't know" he looks like he feels sorry for me.