All Of You// JJ Maybank

19. dads room

Sorry for the time gap in updates. Ive had a long month and put the story on the back burner :)
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"Can we talk quick?" I ask as the boys stuff there things into back packs, running late. They are looking in my direction but seem uninterested. "I got a job offer. It's really good but I'd have to leave again" i say as I finish making there lunches

"How far?" Jj asks, slipping his shoes on. "New york" something shifts in the air, the boys freeze. "You can't take it" John b shakes his head. "I know you guys need help but I can send money. All you really need from me is that. you guys got the rest"  I slide the lunches across the table.

Neither of them say anything. "It would really set me up in life" I add on, I get mhmms and uh-huhs in response. "I wanted your guyses thoughts on it"

"Do what makes you happy" jj nods as he grabs his lunch. "John b?" "Yeah, what he said, we can handle it here" he shrugged and they both were out the door.

Great. That went the opposite of how I wanted it to. I could tell they weren't telling the full truth but I also don't know what they want.

I know John b feels like i swooped in and took credit for things so i want to give him the opportunity to do things on his own terms. if they want me to stay I need them to tell me that. There the only reason I'm still in town, and I'd stay if they asked.

I eat breakfast before picking up the house alittle. Unsure what to do next I find myself in dad's room. I haven't made much effort to go through the things in here.

"This is a shit show dad" i say out loud. I had talked to the boys the other night about going through dad's room and starting to clean it out. I was the one who knew the contents the best.

We talked about letting jj have dad's room, that way both teen boys get the privacy they need.

I inspects every map, picture, and note that I find before putting them in a storage tote. I want to keep all his research just incase.

When the tote is full and the room looks bare I step back to take a deep breath. I haven't seen dad's room this plain since before mom left.

A memory floods my mind
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13 YEARS OLD

I run into my parents room crying. John b had tripped me outside causing me to fall and scrape my knee. It wasn't bleeding but I was a dramatic child.

That's what my mom always called me and this time was no different. I crawl into her bed, intrupting her precious reading time. She tells me I'm fine and to walk it off.

My dad scoops me off the bed from his office chair. He doesn't talk about my knee, instead he shows me what he's working on.  One map hangs on the wall, it's all my mom will allow. The rest is scattered on his desk.

This is the first time he told me about the gold. He let me become his assistant. John b was always so jealous that I got to help and I liked that I had finally beat him to something.

My mom left a couple months after. My dad seemed sad for alittle while but one day he called me to his room, handed me a staple gun and told me where to hang things.

His collection has obviously grown since then. Every time he'd find something to add he'd show it to me, pointing out every detail and why it matters and then I'd hang it on the wall or display it on a dresser.

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His dresser. His closet. His clothes.

They still smell like him. I know this cause I pull on of his tee shirts over my head.

How can I get rid of this stuff? Everything John b said about ward killing dad makes sense. But a part of me is holding on to the idea he's alive.

Dad doesn't have much. The dresser in here is empty and the closet only has a couple hangers being used. I guess I could stick them in my closet. Incase dad ever does need them back.

The last thing left is the bed. I pull all the  bedding off leaving the bare mattress. The room is now a shell of the room it once was. No more personality remains.

Dark Hard wood floors, an oak dresser to match the bedframe and work desk, and a closet. The only memories of my father that still Linger is his smell and the small distressed circles on his desk where he used to rest his elbows.

I choke back my emotions knowing if I start crying I probably won't stop. "I'm sorry dad" I bite my lip, wishing he was here to respond.

I pull everything away from the walls and paint the room a thick new light sage color. It compliments the colors of wood in the room.

While it dries I clean the mattress a few times with a machine I rented, not that I think jj would care. I put on new sheets and a fresh blankets. I sweep and mop after scrubbing the desk and dresser with a wet wash cloth. Shedding a few tears as i go, i wont let myself cry until its done or ill never finish.

As the sun started to set I pushed everything back into place.

It was done. My father's whole spirit had been removed from the room. It didn't smell like him anymore. It smelled like fresh paint, floor cleaner, and the candle I had lit.

I hug my self, taking in the smell of the shirt I was still wearing. I couldn't hold it back anymore. The sun has set and the boys are still gone.

I crawl into the bed that was once my father's, not even bothering to get under the covers. I don't know how long I cried before I fell asleep. I heard the boys come in the house probably a few hours in. I pretend to be asleep.

They stop by the door, whispering into the room. "I think she's asleep" jjs voice announces softly.

"Load up my xbox. Ill be right there" john b tells jj. I hear jj close the door to their room. John bs foot steps disappear and come back.  "I miss him too" he whispers now next to the bed.

"You should get some real sleep" he lays a blanket on top of me. I recognize it, it's the throw from the couch. "I love you John b" I whisper as he leaves the room. "I love you too" His voice is filled with sympathy and I know he's feeling the same emptiness I am