LUCYS COUSIN - a julien baker fanfic

chapter twenty six - better...

(Ivy's POV)

it was the next morning, julien was laying on me, holding me tightly. it felt good to wake up in my own bed again, with her. she was snoring lightly, i slowly moved to grab my phone, cautious not to wake her. i looked at the time.

9:34AM

i went to bed early last night, causing me to wake up earlier.

i scrolled on my phone for a bit before i felt julien stir a little bit on me. i put my phone beside me and stroked her hair, eventually her eyes fluttered open and she looked up at me.

she gave me a small smile, "good morning" i smiled. "morning, darlin' " julien said, the country twang in her voice came out a little bit when she said that.

"i missed waking up next to you" she said softly, almost so quiet i couldn't hear her. "and i missed waking up next to you. you have no clue how uncomfortable the hospital beds are" i said, she nuzzled her head into my shoulder.

i kissed the crown of her head tenderly, she looked back up at me for a moment. "you look happier" she said shyly, i smiled big. "i am, i really am, baby" i said.

she grinned, "im glad, i missed the light in your eyes" she said, holding eye contact. "i got better, not completely, there's definitely things that i still need to work on, but for the most part im better." i said, she nodded, "you just needed a little more help than we could provide at home, and that's okay" she kissed my chin.

maybe this could be a fresh start, maybe i wouldn't be as miserable everyday.

"i missed you" she said once more as she nuzzled her head back into my shoulder, "you already said that" i giggle, "i can't help it!" she giggled back. i love this woman.

we were both silent for a minute until i spoke in a shy tone, "yknow... if i ever get too much... you can leave at anytime." she pulled away from my shoulder again and looked at me with a raised eyebrow. "what do you mean?" she asked, "like.. if i get bad again.. which hopefully i won't, but if i do.. or if i just get too much in general, you have the right to leave" i said softly.

her face scrunched up, and she let out a long breath. "baby... im in this for the long run. i'm not leaving you, and im gonna be here. doesn't matter if you're doing great or doing absolutely terrible, regardless, im gonna be here. that's a promise" she said.

"okay" i said, woah. the first time i didn't deny it, or tell her she was just saying it to make me feel better. i just came to terms with it. i like me better, when im better.

"can i tell you something?" she asks, my heart rate spikes a little, but i nod. "i've only ever told the boys this before... but i had to go to the same place you went, a couple of years ago" she says, my brows furrow in confusion. "really?" i ask, "yeah, so i know how it feels. and i know how scary it is at first, and i know the fear of getting out and thinking you might relapse, but my point is that im not leaving. im not leaving because i wouldn't have wanted to be left" she says.

i don't say anything, i just wrap my arms around her. "i love you, ivy. i do now, and i'll continue to. forever and ever. through thick and thin." she says, "i love you too, jules" i reply.

i don't think i can imagine being with anyone else but julien in my life. i hope we get married one day.

"wanna go get dunkin?" she asks, i smile, "of course" i say.

we both throw some different clothes on, i put a hoodie and sweatpants on, regardless of the weather, and i also put my hair up in a high ponytail, something a little new.

"your hair is cute like that" julien says, i smile big, "thanks babe" i kiss her cheek.

when we walk out of the room phoebe is standing in the kitchen on her phone, her hair is messy, she has boxers and a baggy shirt on, it's very clear that she just woke up.

me and julien both giggle, phoebe walks to me and wraps her arms around me. "you're a bitch but i missed you" she says, making me giggle again. phoebe doesn't know how to be affectionate without being a little mean as well. "i missed you too pheebs" i giggle and pull away.

"want anything from dunkin?" julien asks, phoebe asked for her normal order (a bagel and tea).

when we got in the car julien rested her right hand on my knee while she drove with the other one. i missed doing this a lot.

i was still so exhausted, it was getting harder and harder to hold my eyes open.

i kept zoning out, but not really. the sun was too bright, my hood is touching my neck in a way i don't like, the radio is getting staticky and pissing me off, a piece of my bangs fell into my face that was annoying me, i was becoming too aware of my surroundings. i was so overstimulated.

my nails were digging into my knees a little, i wasn't doing it on purpose though.

i guess julien realized and she turned to me, "ivy? you okay darling?" she asks worriedly. "i-" i started but my heart was beating so fast it hurt, my breathing was quick and shallow. she looked at me with a concerned look, and pulled into the dunkin parking lot, parking the car and turning to me.

"hey, breathe baby, it's okay" she said, looking into my eyes and grabbing my hands to prevent me from hurting myself. "can't-" i said, breathlessly. the less i could breathe, the more i freaked out, my heart kept pounding faster and faster.

i grabbed my chest, "julien-" i winced, "i cant-, i dont...- i dont know what's happening" i managed to say. "you're having a panic attack, it's okay baby. you have to take slow breaths" she said, i just shook my head no. usually that helped during panic attacks, but it felt like i physically couldn't breathe. this didn't feel like a panic attack.

my vision was blurry, i don't know if it was from tears or not. my head was pounding, "i'm gonna-"
i started, but then everything went black.

a/n: heyyyyyyy... sorry for leaving you on this wonderful cliffhanger! very chaotic chapter cause i love writing action!

so updates have been so slow bc i have massive writers block, but im also constantly in and out of the hospital and i've just been busy, but trying to write and update. new laufey song today!!! very exciting. i miss boygenius so much like its actually a problem 🧍🏻‍♂️....

fair warning that the next chapter will be kinda short... don't be mad lmfao.

anyways this chapter was longer!

-em

(1205 words)