LUCYS COUSIN - a julien baker fanfic

chapter fifteen - nightmare

TW for this chapter for mentions of SA /rape / forced sex, if this triggers you please skip this chapter. i love you guys and i want you to all take care of yourselves, mwah!!!

it had been a few days since julien had left, i'd actually been doing alright, that's until the last two nights.

i had just gotten in from work, my girlfriend rachel, who my mom had no clue about, had been staying with me while my mom was out of town. i walked into my room to change, she was on my bed, but i didn't mind. before putting my pants on she walked up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist.

i smiled and looked back at her, "hi" i said, "hey" she replied. we stood there for a minute, "alright, let me change" i said, trying to squirm out of her arms. "how about let's just...do something fun" she said, i got the hint then. "oh uhm.. no sorry i- im not really in the mood" i said, now very uncomfortably trying to escape from her arms.

"cmon ivory it'll be fast... please" she pleaded, "sorry no..." i replied. she gripped my wrists, pushing me down on the bed. "i said no!" i yelped angrily. "okay? i'm your girlfriend, you really don't have a choice. i'm your girlfriend for a reason, pleasure." she said, i tried fighting back, i tried my hardest to fight back, but she took over.

she took my shirt and under garments off, holding my legs down so i couldn't move. she fingered me and went down on me continuously, this was my first time, and it was not enjoyable. everything hurt, my throat hurt from screaming, my eyes hurt from sobbing, everything. hurt.

after all of that, she made me do the same to her. i tried refusing, she would just slap me or do it over and over on me again as a "punishment".

i always thought it wasn't rape because she was my girlfriend and "that's what girlfriends are for, whether you like it or not."  her words, not mine.

i woke up and sat up, gasping for breath and drenching in sweat. i felt my breathing pick up. i didn't know what to do, julien wasn't there to help and phoebe was at claud's. i speed walked to lucy's room, her surprisingly being awake.

she looked up at me, and her face twisted in concern as she realized i was having a panic attack. she quickly got up from her bed and ran over to me, hugging me tight. "ivy shh... hey what's wrong? look at me" she said, holding my face. i managed to muster out the word "nightmare" in between sobs and gasps. "they're back?" lucy asked, i had had continuous nightmares after our grandmother died, but i was much younger. i couldn't say anything, my sobbing was taking over.

"it's okay it wasn't real, you're okay" she said, rubbing my back. "it was-" i hiccuped into another sob, "lucy it was real" i said. "what do you mean?" she asked, i couldn't speak. a couple of seconds passed and she pulled me away to wipe my tears and push my hair out of my face. "was it like a flashback?" she asked and i nodded, not being able to stop crying.

"oh, honey" she said, pulling me back into her embrace. after a few minutes of hushing and comforting, my breathing finally settled down.
"do you wanna talk about it?" she asked in a soft voice, "maybe" i replied in a whisper. "i'll be here  to listen when you're ready" she said, sitting beside me.

my head was now lying in her lap and she was messing with my hair. "lucy... if-" i paused, "if sex is...forced on you .. by a partner is it okay? like is that rape or is it just something we have to deal with?" i asked. i saw her look down at me with furrowed brows, "that's like...sexual abuse... ivy... why? did someone do this to you?" she asked. i stayed silent for a minute... "yeah" i replied.

i saw her go into shock, and then pity, and then she just hugged me. "i'm so sorry, who? when? we can talk to the police about this if you want" she said, "no! no police please i have too much going on already, also please don't tell julien." i pleaded and she nodded. "it was rachel... a year ago when mom was on that business trip in colorado" i said shamefully. i just saw lucy's face twist up into sorrow, she was the only person in our family that ever knew about rachel.

"she's a horrible person, ivy, im so sorry. i knew something wasn't right about her" she said.

there were alot of tears from the both of us that night. we talked and talked until the sun rose, she comforted me and answered any questions i had. i cried so much i don't think i had any tears left, physical touch was gonna be rough again for the next few weeks considering the fact i just practically relived one of the most traumatic moments of my life. i couldn't tell julien though, she would look at me so differently. (-author speaking: IVY BABY NO SHE WONT ☹️)

me and lucy had eventually fallen asleep in each others arms around 7AM and we basically slept all day.

the next night the nightmare wasn't as bad, it was about my dad though. i figured this night i could sleep alone knowing that the day after next we were picking julien up. i would only have to sleep in an empty bed for one more night after tonight.

the nightmare wasn't as NEAR as bad as the one i had the night before, but it still scared me enough to go get in bed with lucy. i dont even really remember how the nightmare played out, i just remember my dad in it, and it made me super paranoid.

she was asleep when i went to go get in the bed with her, so i just slipped in her covers and fell asleep. i think knowing she was there with me helped.

she woke me up around noon, "hey, did you have another dream?" she asked, i nodded. "was it about rachel?" she asked again, "it was about dad" i replied. she nodded, "you could have woke me up" she said, "it wasn't that bad, i just needed to know you were there" i said. she just nodded in understandment. "i'll always be here" she added.

later that day i was sitting on the couch across from lucy as the netflix documentary "miss americana" about taylor swift played. i got a facetime call from julien, her eyes lit up when i answered. "hi baby!" she smiles, "hi! are you having fun?" i ask. "yea! i miss you, i love nashville but i cant wait to be back with you and the boys" she said, i saw lucy look at me smiling.

"we can't wait either" i smiled into the phone, i saw a man in his late 40's maybe early 50's walk into the camera frame. i saw julien turn back to look at him, then turn back to the camera. "ivy, this is my dad" she smiled, "hi mr baker!" i replied, waving. "hi!! so you're the girl juliens been talking about, huh? i approve" he said, julien turned back at him with a pink shaded face. "dad!" she giggled, "i'm just saying! no but for real, next time julien visits you will have to come with. i'd love to meet you!" he said to me. "sounds like a plan!" i replied smiling.

julien turned to me, "okay well i have to go now but i cant wait to see you tomorrow!!! bye baby!" she said. "bye!!!" i said, lucy yelled "love you" before julien hung up.

i slammed my phone down on the couch playfully and groaned, "i miss my GIRLFRIENDDD" i sort of screamed. "you'll see her tomorrow, just be patient" lucy giggled

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a/n: uhm. what the fuck. uhm. good morning happy late halloween. I WENT TO THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL SHOW. THERES NO WAY THAT WAS REAL. ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND ARE BOTH VERY MUCH NOT OKAY i'm so glad i have therapy today i can rant to my therapist.
ANYWAYS this was a longer chapter :)  )

1412 words!

-E