Red vs Blue : Mirage

The Grif Reaper

Tucker: Yeah, some of us seem to have let ourselves go more than others.

Church: Are you guys talkin' about me?

Caboose: We, ah, didn't wanna say anything.

Tucker: Yeah, that's why we said something. Fatty!

Church: Hey back off guys, I've been under a lot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fucking team.

Tucker: Where'd you carry us, to the buffet?

Caboose: He said it.

Tucker: Besides, I'm pretty sure it's Rayner that's been carrying us. Figuratively and literally.

Church: Hey, I did a lotta work too.

Tucker: What're you guys doing up here anyway? And what's that huge thing?

Caboose: That's Church.

Church: He means the ship, Caboose.

Caboose: He said it.

Church: The Reds called in a ship, and it landed on Donut. Now they've got new hardware, a new soldier and a defenseless civilian it seems.

Tucker: Who, that girl?

Church: Wha- Girl? The one not wearing armor?

Tucker: Both of them, duh. The yellow one too. The one talking to Simmons?

Caboose: Wow, you have really good eyes!

Tucker: I have to. I never get to use the fucking sniper rifle.

Church: You're positive the yellow one's a girl? How can you be sure?

Tucker: Dude, look who you're talking to.

The blues then sees the lady with no armor face their way.

Caboose: Hey look! The little lady is heading this way.

Tucker: Ho-how yeah! Now's my time to shine.

Church: Wait let's think about this for a moment. Why would an unarmed--

Just then, the girl makes a super jump towards them.

Church: --person...

With a mighty crash she lands in front of the blue trio, making a small crater where she landed.

Church: ... come here.

Tucker: Damn, nice legs.

Cut to Grif's unnamed Sister in front of the ship.

Grif's Sister: The cool thing is, that I was lucky enough to get sent here! They said your Commander died, and I needed to replace the missing man.

Sarge: What? Our Commander's not dead, I'm our Commander!

Simmons: And an excellent one at that, sir.

Sarge: Thank you, Simmons.

Grif's Sister: Yeah. Your Commander died. And one of the troops is going to be promoted, and I was sent to replace the missing troop!

Simmons: Wait, w-what's this about a promotion?

Sarge: Sounds like Command made some kinda mistake.

Grif: I don't know Sarge, I thought you said Command never makes mistakes. That must mean you're dead.

Simmons: Seriously, what was the promotion thing? I'm sure I heard something about someone getting promoted.

Grif's Sister: They said one of your troops would be promoted to replace your dead C.O.

Simmons: One like me? A maroon one?

Grif's Sister: Hey, you're really scary. That's kinda hot!

Grif: Sarge, I'm really sorry you died.

Sarge: Don't be stupid, Grif. How can I be dead if I'm standing right here?

Grif: Well if Command was wrong about you dying, Sarge, couldn't they be wrong about other stuff too? Like, like what if the Blues don't suck? (gasp) What if the Blues are awesome? This changes everything!

Cut to Sarge's gravesite, with everyone standing around the hole, including Sarge.

Simmons: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to pay our final respects to Sarge.

Sarge: But I was so young! And violent!

Grif: And that's what makes this so tragic.

Sarge: Mnohho.