The ImagiNation, Project Sekai || HOPE FOR A BRIGHTER FUTURE

Chapter 24 - Feelings That Haunt the Both of Us

I was in a nightmare, it was the night before the show we had all been practicing so long for. 

Everything was dark, I was looking at a computer screen with Rui on it. He wasn't real, nothing was. I had been hallucinating my entire life. Honoka appeared behind me in the dream, but she looked like a doll and had strings attatched to her like she was a puppet. She-- she was covered in blood... my sister was covered in her own blood. 

"I love you, Setsuko. I love you more than anything, more than myself. Why do you ignore me so?" Her voice was quiet and gentle, but it terrified me. "Am I not good enough for you...? Do I need to try harder? When will you know how much I love you?" 

I screamed in horror. I was convinced this was all real. 

Rui was on a constant loop. He wouldn't stop saying that he wasn't real and that he loved me. 

For a second, everything stopped and I was falling in a void. A quiet voice said, "You will never reach him, and he will never reach you. He was never real. Rui was never real. You are not real. Nothing is real. Wake up." 

I was back in that dark house with the computer and Honoka. Everything was on fire. Rui's eyes became completely white. "I l-l-l-l-love you, Setsuko." He said before he stared at me in silence. 

Then these horrible black creatures came and tried to eat me alive. They had scratchy demonic voices that kept saying cruel things.

I couldn't speak. My heart was beating so fast and I was surely going to die. I could feel the fire burning me up inside and out. Eventually I died in the dream, but instead of waking up or something like that it kept replaying the whole thing. 

***

I was up all night and I couldn't sleep. This wasn't very wonderhoy... I needed to make sure Setsuko knew I loved her but I wasn't exactly sure how to go about it. 

I remembered Tsukasa and the way he wanted to make his sister Saki smile. Tsukasa and I were quite similar in that regard. Actually, no. I'm exactly like Tsukasa... but I don't want to be.

 When I was very little I embraced who I truly was inside, but then everybody thought I was just stuck up and I never had one negative thought about myself. That stuff wasn't true, so I attempted to throw my personality away. I still achieved many things and did my best, but it was a secret.

"I need to make Setsuko feel absolutely splendid... I'm not a good sister, am I? No! Don't say that... y-you're the best sister in the world!! That's right, you are a star! Like Tsukasa... Tsukasa is a better sibling than I am." Tears fell from my eyes and onto my lap as I sat on my bed. How in the world was I going to succeed in my dream of making others smile by becoming an actress if I can't even be happy myself? 

I wondered whatever I'd do whenver the time came to move out and live my spectacular dreams. "I would cry every tear I didn't want anybody to see, and be who I really want to be." I muttered rather quietly whilst I cried. 

"I will become a superstar, like Tsukasa. Perhaps with Tsukasa? Maybe if he let me... what if he doesn't think I'm fit to be a star?! I began to tear up, but immediately stopped myself from crying. "If he doesn't want me to perform alongside him then Setsuko and I can be shooting stars together. Yeah!" I exclaimed, trying to keep myself in an awesome mood. An awesome mood I didn't feel. 

It felt like everybody was better than me, Setsuko was better than me. It could even be that a dog was more skilled than I! All I wanted was to be a light, to give others a reason to live as well as smile. Just like my dearest sister did for me, like Tsukasa did. When will I be capable of returning all of these favors?!

I had been with Setsuko her entire life. We were twins, after all. Instead of it being me who was Setsuko's heart... it was Rui. Do not misunderstand, I'm very happy that she found joy, but I cannot help but feel betrayed. It's almost like theres a hole in my own heart, so how would it be fit to act as my sister's heart? If I'm broken... how will I fix her? 

God, if I were to die... would it change any of Setsuko's pain? Am I worsening her hurt, I wonder. If I am, please kill me, because then I am truly cruel. I just want to be good to everybody.

Will my sister ever smile again like she did when she was small? Even though she's better, I know she isn't fully healed inside. I want to know what ails her so that I may take it and burn it in a roaring fire. 

There was so much I always felt but I held it inside. It always made me feel worse but I guess that's just the way it is. But when you don't tell anybody anything at all, it makes people jump to conclusions that end up being false. It's almost like I'm nobody and I don't actually have feelings. 

As a result of hiding everything from everyone... I'm very lonely. It's a loneliness nobody could express with words alone. But I must keep going, I can't let my feelings get in the way of anything. No... I cannot. Somebody please save me, this hurts too much. 

In eventuality, I fell asleep and dreamed of nothing. 

***

That horrible anxiety was still inside of my body when I had woken up from my nightmare. I really wanted tomorrow to be a good day, so I ignored my rumbling stomach asking for a snack and went back to sleep. Though, I was scared I'd have another bad dream. Luckily, I didn't.