The ImagiNation, Project Sekai || HOPE FOR A BRIGHTER FUTURE

CHAPTER 17 - I'm Fine?

When I woke up, all of the voices inside of my head were back. The fear was so overwhelming I let out a blood curdling scream, accidentally waking Rui.

"What's wrong?!?!" Rui hugged me closer to him, I could feel his heart pounding on my shaking body.

I loudly sobbed into his chest, I felt like a black hole had just swallowed my heart. "KILL ME ALREADY!! PLEASE... PLEASE STOP IT!!!!" I screeched, gripping onto him tighter. The overlapping voices in my mind were too much... they made me want to die.

The boy I loved with all of my heart was worried about me, but I didn't really know just how worried he was. "Setsuko, calm down! Please tell me what's wrong. I don't know what's bothering you but it's going to be okay." He tried as hard as he could to comfort me.

I somehow managed to slow my breathing down, but the many thoughts in my head were still extremely loud. "I want to tell you what's wrong... b-but I can't! Because I don't know what's wrong!! Make the voices in my mind shut up! Please make them shut up!!!" I covered my ears, hoping that would make the screaming inside quieter, but it changed nothing.

Rui stroked my hair gently like he always did. "Shhh, I'm here." He softly sang to me in Japanese, his voice was so calming and kind.

His singing silenced my scary thoughts. Even though my mind was now still, I continued to have a strange feeling of impending doom. I had just woke up from a peaceful slumber... but I was exhausted. "I love you." I whispered to him, my voice trembling.

"I love you too. What's going on with you, Setsuko? Are you alright?" Rui questioned me, a slightly concerned look on his face.

I had already started lying to myself that I was okay and I was just being dramatic. "I'm fine?" I replied with uncertainty.

"Do these kinds of things happen all the time? Is this normal for you? I don't think you're fine like you say." Rui said as he pulled himself away from the hug to look at me.

I always felt screams within me, but I never actually let them out. "When I woke up and shrieked, everything else started coming out too. I'm sorry, usually that stuff happens in my head... I'm fine, really." I answered him, tears still in my eyes.

Rui began to silently cry. He looked so sad it made my heart hurt more than it already did. "I want to help you, but I don't know what's wrong and nor do you. I'm sorry..." He sniffled. "I'm a bad boyfriend." He muttered to himself. I hadn't known until then, but he had thoughts of his own that tore him down.

"Please don't cry, please don't! I'm sorry! I'm happy! See?" I forced a smile for him.

Rui did a little sob. "Please don't lie! I don't want you to ever leave me, don't kill yourself. P-please..."

"I'm not happy... but I won't kill myself! I promise, I'm going to stay here with you." I rested my head on his shoulder while I hugged him.

We stayed like that until the little alarm Rui had on his phone for school went off. Everything that happened at school that day seemed to blur together and I don't remember any of it except that I got Mizuki's Nightcord account name so I could talk to her. Then there came the moment I had been dreading since I woke up, I had to go back home.

Honoka and I walked to the house silently, she didn't say anything but I knew she was upset with me for not going home yesterday.

"Where were you?! You didn't come home last night!" My mother yelled at me when I stepped inside of the house. She ran over and hugged me.

I didn't want to be there in that house I was supposed to call home, it didn't feel like home. "I was at Rui's house... I accidentally fell asleep there." I wasn't lying. Sure, I didn't want to go home, but it's not like I fell asleep at his place on purpose.

Mommy did that shocked face I hated at me. "What?! Are you going to run away with him now?"

I froze, I wanted to run away but at the same time I didn't. "No!" I answered with a serious tone in my voice.

My mother started walking off to fight with Daddy. "Yukio! This is all your fault, now she wants to run away with that idiot Rei boy because you're fighting with me!!" She got his name wrong...

I ran out of the living room and upstairs to my bedroom before I could hear his reply. I felt like my head was spinning. I sat down at my computer, turning it on. I noticed I had a few notifications from Mizuki on Nightcord. I missed one of her calls not too long ago, she called me again right then.

"Hello?" I said nervously after I answered the call.

"Hey!" Mizuki greeted me cheerfully.

There was a long silence, it made me anxious. I prayed to God that she couldn't hear my parents yelling at eachother in the background.

Mizuki interrupted the scary quietness of the call. "You didn't seem too good at school today, are you feeling okay?" She asked.

I didn't say anything for a while. "I don't really know. I've lied to myself too many times to really know. Last night I stayed at Rui's house on accident, and my parents are fighting right now." I replied quietly and sighed. 

"Oh... I'm here if you need to talk, but if you don't want to I understand." She said to me, her voice sounded comforting.

I started venting to her, trying not to cry the whole time. 

I just want you to take a second and imagine if you were me. What if your parents fought and your own mind was against you? Can you imagine how that might feel? Perhaps you're feeling it right now... because your life is similar to mine. Whatever you're going through, whether it be like what I'm experiencing or not, I want you to know it'll all be okay in time and to never give up, no matter how bad you want to. Funny how I'm telling you all of this, isn't it? 

 "I don't want to give up... please don't let me give up. I don't want to be depressed!" I childishly cried to Mizuki on call, dozing off while I stared at my computer's screen.

"I--!" She stayed completely silent for a long time, causing me to fall asleep at my computer. 

Even though Mizuki was always acting all happy I knew she wasn't really. We all have our own sad story, whether it be something happening in our life or mind. It's still sad. Where the mind goes the body soon follows, and that's really bad because my thoughts are hot garbage! I've started to casually tell myself to die... it's almost normal for me now. 

"Die, die, die! Everybody hates you, I hate you! DIE!" I remember yelling at my ugly reflection in a whisper with tears in my eyes. "I hate you... I hate you--" 

Just then my mother had knocked on the door, an extremely uncomfortable feeling of dread filled my entire body. "Are you okay? You've been in there a long time." She asked with that worried tone she always had in her voice.

 I love Mommy with all of my heart, but I don't think she knows it because we always get into little arguments. For whatever reason she constantly sounds confrontational to me, and she gets mad sometimes. Her being mad starts to make me mad... and then we yell at eachother. I know she loves me, I just hope she knows I love her too and that our relationship can get better. Though, for that to happen we need to actually talk, which I don't very much enjoy doing because I don't want to get yelled at for talking about my characters at an inappropriate time. I never know when to talk or when to shut up! 

My silly little idiot brain jumped to the conclusion that she thought I was doing weird things to myself. Like... like sticking my fingers up my vagina or something?! Lord I pray you give my innocence back. "I'm fine!" I screeched, the voice in my mind making me flustered.

After I heard Mommy's feet walk away, I wiped those tears from my eyes and walked out of the bathroom like nothing had happened. My life really is strange.