Overflowing (Book 3)

~Chapter Four~

When we got back to the dorm, I went and hopped into the shower right away after texting Daichi and letting him know we got home. I didn't care that I'd gotten one that morning, I needed a minute to myself.

I turned on some music, hitting shuffle on my usual Playlist. Despite it being on shuffle, I skipped through the songs. I needed something, I wanted to be able to amplify what I'm feeling.

Eventually, I landed on Just Want Somebody To Hold Me by Rosendale. It doesn't fit the feeling exactly, but it's the vibe, if that makes any sense.

Something I've been working on in therapy is finding ways to safely feel my feelings. Even with intervention, I'm going to have negative feelings and bad days. It's how I react to them that I need to work on.

Even after being on the right meds, I've had episodes where Daichi has had to sit with me and help me through it and make sure I didn't hurt myself. There's been a few close calls, but I haven't relapsed yet. And the only way to get through these feelings and not relapse is to feel them when they come, keep myself in a safe environment, and work on how I deal with it.

After my shower, I changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt and went and crashed on my bed. I curled up under the covers, basically wrapping myself into a burrito.

"You okay?" Asahi asked, setting his phone down.

"You remember how I was telling you about some of the stuff I was working on at therapy?"

"Yeah, the feeling your feelings and learning how to deal with them thing?"

"Yeah. I'm just kinda feeling depressed, I miss Daichi and I hate being away from him, so right now I'm working through it. And right now, that means I'm a blanket burrito and I apologize in advance if I end up breaking down." I said.

"No need to apologize, you do you. Let me know if you need anything from me, alright? And don't forget to take your meds, you didn't take them last night because of the party." Asahi said. I nodded. I got up quickly to get my pill and took it before laying back down facing the wall. I knew I was going to end up crying, that's just how these things go. I didn't really want to bother Asahi with it, so trying to hide it as best as I could in a small shared space was all that I could really do.

I did end up breaking down. I hid my face in my pillow, trying to muffle my cries. I didn't want to bother Asahi.

I tried to control it myself, even after some of the bad intrusive thoughts rolled in. Even after my arms started hurting, I still tried.

"A-Asahi-" I cried, sitting up in my bed. I knew that I soon wouldn't be able to stop myself from relapsing if I didn't ask for help.

Asahi was sitting on my bed and pulled me close to him within a few seconds.

"You did so good, Suga. Let it out. I've got you." He held me tight as I sobbed into him.

After a few minutes of me not being able to calm down, we heard a knock. Asahi got up for a minute to open it, seeing both Kuroo and Bokuto at the door.

"Hey, is he okay?" I heard Kuroo ask.

"Come on in, maybe you guys can help." Asahi said. Kuroo took one look at me, and when I looked up at him, the look on his face reminded me of the night he stopped me from hurting myself in the middle of the night. It was a similar look; Concern and fear.

"You're doing amazing, Suga. Breathe with me." Kuroo sat down beside me, trying to make his breathing as visual as possible for me to see. Bokuto sat behind me, wrapping his arms around me in a tight bear hug. I hated it for a few moments, but eventually it did help, just like it had before.

"Do you wanna talk? We're here to listen if you need it." Kuroo offered. I decided to talk a bit. All I'd really said was that I spiraled. I got to see Daichi, being away and knowing I wouldn't see him for a few days kind of hurt. i spiraled, I felt lonely even though I have people here to support me. It'd also been a while since my last breakdown, so that could also be playing into it; the straw that broke the camel's back, as some say.

That's how Daichi's breakdowns are now that he's on meds too, from what I remember him telling me.

I wonder if he'll be okay without anyone there to help him?

After a while, Bokuto headed back to his and Kuroo's room and Asahi tried to go to sleep. Kuroo and I stepped outside to smoke and talk, just random stuff to keep my mind distracted.

I really did have an amazing support system holding me up.

"Kuroo, I have a question for you." I said as I blew some smoke out.

"Shoot."

"Will you be my best man at my wedding?"

"Of course I will. What, was Asahi taken?" He joked.

"Daichi and I agreed he'd ask Asahi to be his. He's always been closer to Asahi." I smiled.

"That's fair. Thank you for considering me to be your best man."

"Other than Asahi and Daichi, you're the only other person I could ever want up there behind me. You've been there for me, ever since you found out what was going on. You've never judged me, you really are one of my closest friends, Kuroo."

"Alright, you're getting sappy on me, knock it off." He laughed, giving me a playful punch to the shoulder.

"I have another random, off topic question."

"What is it?"

"When I passed out at camp...what all even really happened? I don't remember much of it. What were you thinking? What was Daichi thinking?" I asked.

"When I noticed you were gonna pass out, I immediately called for the match to stop. You were pale, sweating, and it almost looked like you were dissociating. Daichi came over, called for Ukai and Takeda and then you passed out. He was scared, worried. That's such an understatement, though. I don't know exactly what he was thinking. He's the one who saw your hand, the bruises. Him and Ukai put two and two together and the look on his face. It wasn't disappointment, or anger. More like fear, as if he'd gone through it or knew someone else who'd done it before and the outcome wasn't good. The look of relief when you woke up, that was there too, for pretty much everyone who was there." He explained. I nodded.

"How did you know what was going on?" I asked.

"Kenma was so overworked between school and volleyball and also trying to keep up with gaming and a social life and one thing led to another and he straight up forgot to eat. Passed out on the court during practice one day."

"Was that the only time?"

"Yeah. Since then, I've kept up with making sure he remembers."

"That's good. How is he, by the way? With you in college and everything, being in Miyagi and not Tokyo."

"It's been a struggle for us both. We're managing, though. We have plans to hang out on weekends and stuff, just like he does with Hinata." He said. We talked a bit about How we each were feeling about everything, just venting and bouncing things off each other.

Eventually, the exhaustion and weed caught up with us and we were ready to get some sleep. We headed inside, said our goodbyes and thank yous at our doors and then went into our rooms to go to sleep.

~Word Count~
1328