Metanoia

Chapter Thirty-four

Suddenly, everything I knew was gone. It was as though the ground beneath me had shifted, leaving me disoriented and unsure of what to do next. The one I grew attached to had left me all alone, and it was all my fault. I felt lost and alone. I had no idea how to pick up the pieces and move on.

At that moment, all I wanted was for someone to understand. I begged and pleaded for Rindou to forgive me or talk to me. I knew that I had hurt him deeply, and I knew that he wasn't going to look my way. The weight of my guilt and regret hung heavy in my heart.

I wanted to explain myself and apologize for my actions and the pain I had caused. But the words stuck in my throat, and I couldn't seem to find the right way to say what I needed to say. It was as if the air had been sucked out of my lungs, leaving me unable to breathe.

Rindou had meant the world to me. It wasn't just about the money anymore; I had confessed to him, and he wasn't even listening. He probably thought I was bullshitting him since whoever sent him that video destroyed everything we had, not that we really had much to begin with. We fucked and talked, we saw each other, but the dates were minimal. Also half my fault.

The pain I felt was indescribable. The weight of my mistakes weighed heavily on my shoulders. If I hadn't fallen into his charms, then everything would've been fine; I wouldn't have had to hide anything, especially from him. I wanted to reach out and touch Rindou, to feel the warmth of his touch, and to know that there was still some hope left for us.

But I knew that the damage was already done. I had hurt him too much, and it was too late to make things right.

My heart was torn between two people. Daichi was there for me when I needed him, and I chose Rindou, his enemy. But what could I say? This was going to bite me in my ass sooner or later...but was I the only one in the wrong? According to Daichi and Ran, I wasn't the only one Rindou was seeing...So why did I feel this bad when he started it?

Regardless, this whole situation was fucked.

All of my belongings were taken that night from Rindou's house. His stuff, including his hoodies, were left at my apartment, and the following day I dropped them off. I decided to leave the bag outside his door instead of bothering him by knocking since he wasn't home. I was feeling guilty for not apologizing to him in person. I texted him once, but he never replied. I figured that he was too angry to talk to me about what had happened.

Not only did Daichi not reply either, but the messages also turned green. It broke my heart. Showing up to work was the hardest part since I didn't know how to look at Marie. I felt like I had betrayed her. I wanted to tell her the truth, but I couldn't. I treated her like my little sister, but that was probably over. Still, no matter how much I wanted to drop by his apartment, I knew I had to respect his space. Hopefully, he'll come to me one day, but the chances were little to none.

In the midst of a crowded hallway, I scanned the bulletin board for my name. The results of the midterm tests were made public. I took a deep breath and scanned the names. I repeated my name over and over until my eyes reached the top. Right beside the number two was my name. I smiled in relief. I achieved the second-highest score in the class.

I excitedly shrieked and took out my phone, ready to text Rindou, but my smile vanished the moment I noticed our previous exchanges. 'That's right...' I thought to myself, "I don't have anyone to celebrate with." Reality slammed into me like a freight train. I clenched my phone and walked, pushing my way through the mob. I had no one to share my joy or my sadness. I had to face it. I was all alone.

Without thinking twice, I left school. I hurried through the lines of cars in the student parking lot and didn't even look back. It made me queasy to hear the joyous shouts and laughing of those who were celebrating with their buddies. Okay, I'll admit it: I was bitter. I wanted to celebrate with Daichi and Rindou, but they were no longer a part of me.