Mío

Veintinueve

Hans

I felt someone caressing my face while I am asleep. Napaungot ako sa sakit ng lalamunan at ulo na naramdaman ko. Iminulat ko ang mga mata ko at tumingin sa lalaking nasa tabi ko. Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita nang hindi si Pete or si kuya Oasis ang nakita ko kundi ang nag-iisang Governor ng Quezon.

“Kaleb,” Banggit ko sa pangalan niya. He looked at me with his soft expression but all I can think of is what I saw inside the mall. Iniwas ko ang tingin ko sakanya bago pa man ako magalit.

“Are you okay? Is something wrong?” Tanong niya nang humawak ako sa ulo ko dahil sa pagkahilo. This the side effect of that sedation. Humawak ako sa balikat ko dahil sa sakit na nararamdaman ko roon. I saw it bruised and I knew na doon tinurok ni Pete ang sedation saakin. He's so rough. He's probably in panic because I was uncontrollable earlier.

“Fuck, who did that?” Muling tanong ni Kaleb. I looked at him and sighed. I don't know if I should be happy or mad that he's here.

“Stay away from me from now on.” Mahina kong sabi. Natahimik siya nang ilang segundo.

“Pumpkin..” Napalingon ako sakanya nang banggitin niya ang pangalan na iyon. Napakurap ako at natawa sa pagkapikon.

“What do you want, Kaleb? Why are you here?” Muli kong tanong. I stared at him and he looks like he wants to tell me something but he can't, like always.

“I just.. I want you to be okay.” Mahina niyang sabi. Kumunot ang noo ko.

“Okay from what?” I asked pero mabilis siyang umiling.

“Pumpkin, I missed you too.” Sumikdo ang puso ko nang sa wakas ay sagutin niya ang sinabi ko nung unang araw kaming nagkita. I blinked and looked at him with sadness.

“But you can't be with me, right?“ Tanong ko at nakita ko siyang napalunok bago sumagot.

“God knows how much I want to be with you, I just need to do something befor—“ Pinutol ko ang sasabihin niya.

“It's still reasons over me, right? It has always been.” Kumakabog ang dibdib ko at alam kong hindi imposibleng magalit ako sa oras na ito ngunit pigil na pigil ko iyon. i don't want him to see me so hopeless.

“I love you so much. I love you still, Hans Gabriel. I do, but I need to put them in jail, nagsimula ako ng plano, Hans, I can't just ditch it—“

“You can't just ditch it for me, right?“ Tumayo ako at tumalikod sakanya dahil papatulo na ang luha ko sa sinabi niya.

He loves me still, but it's still not enough reason to be with me.

“Governor, whatever your plan is, do it. But don't expect that I am still holding on to you, I am done.“ I am done being so hopeless and then will get violent if things don't go my way.

“Don't say that, please, I need you.“ Humarap ako sakanya at pikon na natawa.

“But you need your fiance more, right? That's why you're with her!“ Taas boses ko. Agad siyang tumayo at binalak lumapit saakin ngunit umatras ako habang nalulungkot at nagagalit na nakatingin sakanya.

“I was ready to offer myself to you when I came back, Kaleb. I was ready to swallow my pride— my ego, just to be with you. But I can't do that when there's already someone by your side, there's still someone by your side, I don't wanna be a second anymore, I don't wanna be hidden by anyone's shadow anymore,” Lumapit ako sakanya.

“I am done understanding your unending reasons to choose someone over me, I am done fooling myself that I am okay that you will only choose me once you're done with all your responsibilities. I left because of that, Kaleb, yet when I came back nothing changed, you can call me selfish all you want, but I am choosing my sanity over this relationship.” Mabigat ang dibdib kong deklara habang nakatingin sa mga mata niyang nangungusap saakin. It still hurts to see him in pain, but if I don't choose myself, I am going crazy.