Cwtch

What The Future Looks Like

We now sat at their wide living room, exchanging gifts, the kids were allowed to stay up until 11 p.m. but as some were too young, they were sent off to their rooms to sleep at around 8 p.m. We gather all the gifts we had for them and as each family were called on to present their gifts for everyone, it's going to be a long night indeed filled with fun and excitement. Having a Filipino family as big as this family was a dream we all had for our kids. Someday, when they grow up, we will tell them why we spent Christmases with this part of our extended family, we will get to tell them about Haneul Appa and how she protected and loved their parents. How she and Seri Eomma were the two sole people who we trusted and depended on heavily for our survival and how we were all thrown off our orbits and floated away for some time and found our bearings back and continue with our life. How these two loved and fought and loved some more. How it all played out for us and we made it to become their parents. Yuri sat beside me and she puts her head on my shoulder, a smile to her face and the warmth we have been receiving from this family. We were just their mere acquaintances to them but after the first five years after their death, that first time we came here, we were welcomed and treated as if we were Haneul, their cousin who died and gave them twelve more people to love and be reminded of her. I put an arm around her as we watched the fun and excitement each one had. Then the ten second cold air we always feel followed by the fifteen second one for Seri Eomma. Yuri and I looked into each other's eyes. A smile beginning to form in our lips. 

"We love you too, Haneul Appa and Seri Eomma, Merry Christmas." We both said into the air. 

It was true, when we say things like this. Our love for both Dorm Parents made a quiet resonant feeling. It showed whenever we had some hard times, some bad times and some good times. We as a team had that bond where we often stay beside each other and sing songs to cheer each other up, like how Haneul Appa used to sing songs to us mid-sermons. There was no other one like Haneul Appa and so we leave the mid-sermon song number to her and have since moved forward with our own comforting style when it came to music. It was also true that some of us only moves along but the grief was always within us, we approached this topics carefully, unlike the previous years where we would have screaming and shouting fights within the team, ridiculing someone for their inability to accept that Seri Eomma and Haneul Appa were gone forever. That no matter how each member tried to comprehend the ways we lost both dorm parents, we each had our own coping mechanism and for some of us we chose to keep busy and some chose to cry and wallow away their time crying for someone we can't clearly have back. As soon as we realized that this was real and this was our new normal, we each had to stand up and carry what we can, whether the immense pain or the just the memories of these two, we carried it with us and we never missed a chance to say out loud how much they were missed and loved. How we all wish they were here with us to meet our children, how we wish they were here to meet the current members of the team and how we have grown so much since they left us. Ever since they left us, we all made a name for ourselves, we all raised our kids and everyone became like family, everyone grew up and everyone was a better version of themselves. 

The Morning After Christmas Eve

We were awoken by the noise our kids made, some loud shrieking and tiny footsteps running around the room. I was first to wake up to check up on our Jayeon, I found her shrieking in annoyance at someone. Her Auntie Brenda comforting her and shielding her against another kid named Barkley, Kuya Brent's son who was same aged as our Jayeon. Jayeon held a doll against her chest as Brenda, Haneul Appa's younger cousin hugged Jayeon. I got down to Jayeon's level, she was crying her heart out and I asked her.

"What happened, sweetheart?" I asked her. 

"Barley wanted to cut my doll's arms o-ooff, he-he says doll is ugly." She coughs out.