Red vs Blue : Mirage

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Tucker: I'm gonna fuckin' die.

Rayner: Cheer up Tucker. Why don't you look on the bright side. You might find an alien temple at the end. And if it's still undiscovered you can, like, get famous for it. Just make sure you document it.

Tucker: Document? With what?

Rayner: Think about all the hot scientist ladies that'll want to inspect your shiny rod.

Tucker: Hoh-hoh! I've got a rod they can inspect right here. Bow chicka bow wow.

Rayner: Granted if you survive to tell about it.

Tucker: Awh.

Church: Yeah, I guess this is it, Tucker. Nice knowin' ya.

Tucker: Hoh, you better hope that I don't die, 'cause if I do, you're the one taking care of my kids.

Church: You have kids?

Tucker: Heheh, probably!

Slice to Simmons and Sheila sieging the Salmon Side's structure.

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Simmons: Yeahah, take that! Suck it, Blue! I mean Red! Suck it, Blue... uh, damn! Red! God, this is harder than I thought.

Grif: Hey Simmons, what the hell are you doing?

Simmons: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm attacking the Blue base! I mean the Red base! Fuck!

Donut: Defense is established, Sarge!

A tank shell strikes Red Base.

Donut: Cancel that Sarge, defenses are destroyed.

Grif: Killing our own team, huh? That's cool. Hey listen, how long do you expect this whole crazy thing to last?

Simmons: I'm not crazy, Grif! You just wouldn't listen to me when I said there was a tank!

Grif: I listened to you.

Simmons: You told Sarge that there wasn't a tank! THERE IT IS! IT'S A TANK!

Grif: Ohh. You said listen to you, not agree with you. Yeah, I thought that joke was pretty funny, but now Donut's my manager, and... everything kinda sucks now.

Simmons: Well too bad, 'cause this is what you get now, you dumb blue bitch! Red bitch! FUCK! You know what I mean!

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Sarge: Great sodium chloride, there goes my chemistry set!

Grif: I don't think killing Sarge is much of a punishment for me. Just come back to the base, man! I'll let you boss me around again!

Simmons: I don't know... I think you're just telling me what I wanna hear.

Grif: I am, see? it's just like old times! Come on, buddy!

Simmons: Will you help me clean my armor?

Grif: How 'bout I promise to help you clean it, but then just convince Donut to do it later?

Simmons: Hah, good ol' Grif.

Sarge: Simmons! Is that you?

Simmons: Yeah Sarge, but don't worry! We got-

Sarge: Simmons, I can understand you're going crazy and seein' imaginary tanks.

Simmons: THE TANK IS RIGHT THERE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Sarge: And I can obviously understand why you'd wanna attack your own base.

Simmons: You can?

Sarge: But painting yourself blue?! Dear God man, don't ya have any shame at all?!

Grif: Hey Sarge, you should also note that he missed a couple of spots!

Sarge: Grif! What in Sam Hell are you doin' out there? At least Simmons has the intelligence to formulate a mutinous plan!

Simmons: Thank you, sir! I mean suck it Blue! ...God damn it, I mean Red!

Sarge: But you're a slothful idiot! Treason takes effort. I never expected this from you.

Grif: Ah, up yours.

Sarge: What was that?

Grif: Up yours, sir.

Sarge: That's better!