Red vs Blue : Mirage

The Hard Stop

Church: Hey if you need to cut something, why don't you just use that big sword o' yours?

Tucker: Oh right. Duh.

Tucker draws the sword.

Alien: Whargh? (sees Tucker holding the sword) RHURRRRRRRGH!

The Alien breaks outta his bondage, jumps Tucker and starts beating him.

Tucker: Ahh, what the fuck!?

Church: Whoa! Mahan, Tucker, that thing either really hates that sword, or really hates you.

Rayner: Oooh... yeah... I should probably keep mine tucked away safely.

Tucker: Aaaaaaaah, get this fucking thing off me!

Church: Heh wait a second Tucker, this might be a good chance for us to evaluate how these things fight.

Tucker: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

Church: Now hold still. For science.

Tucker: Not the face, not the face!

Rayner: Guard your crotch Tucker! He likes aiming there.

Tucker: Aw haw, not my junior! Ow.

Cut to Blue Base back in the Gulch, to the sound of the radio tuning in to something.

Simmons: Sarge, can you hear me, Sarge, come in. Sarge, Sarge do you read me, this is Simmons, come in.

Donut: Hello, Red Army HQ. We don't stop until every blue is dead.

Simmons: Donut, let me talk to Sarge.

Donut: For help in English, press or say 1.

Simmons: One.

Donut: Para Español, marque número dos.

Simmons: One. Wuuunnnnah. Wu- God dammit. (presses one on the keypad)

Donut: For unconfirmed Dutch-Irish, press one too, as in also.

Simmons: Donut!

Donut: Oh, hey Simmons, what's up?

Simmons: Donut, put Sarge on.

Donut: Oooh, yeah, Sarge is reeeally busy. Things have really picked up since you left, uhh...

Sarge: Donut, I'm not here.

Donut: Leh, luh, let me see, do you mind if I put you on hold?

Sarge: Just take a message.

Simmons: Donut stop screening my calls!

Donut: Sorry Simmons, Sarge isn't available at the moment. I'll tell you what I can ask him to call you back but, it's really better if you have an appointment.

Simmons: Oh for the love of God I can hear him, Donut. Would you just tell him that I've captured the Blue Base and- ...and taken possession of their tank.

Donut: Right right, Simmons...

Sarge: Tell him you've got call waiting.

Donut: Blue-

Sarge: No no-

Donut: Base-

Sarge: You're going through a tunnel!

Donut: Taaaaaaaaaaank. Tank.

Simmons: Are you really writing this down?

Donut: Look I have to go, we have a conference call with Grif in five minutes. He's pitching ideas for how to use your rations. Gotta run! If anything comes up, we'll call you. And Simmons?

Simmons: What...

Donut: This job is the best! I can't believe you quit! (turns off the radio)

Simmons: ... ... ... That's it, I'm gonna kill 'em all. Hey Sheila, lock and load! We got somewhere to go!

Cut back to the Blues' building, with the Alien still beating Tucker in the back of the head on the ground.

Tucker: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Tex: Alright bomb, we need to talk.

Andy: Heh hehhh heh heh heh, talk about what, Butch? Workin' on cars, and pickin' up chicks?

Tex: Excuse me, is that any way to talk to a lady?

Andy: A lady, who're you kiddin'? I bet you got more balls than a roman candle.

Tex: Uhhh, I knew this was a bad idea.

Andy: Hey Tex, why you got black armor, couldn't find any in flannel?

Tex: Listen jackass-

Andy: Flannel!

Tex: I put you together, I can take you apart.

Andy: Hey whaddaya mean?

Tex: Bombs, come with remote detonators dumbass. And any time I want, I can just hit a button and you're just a memory. A very annoying, very insulting memory, but none-the-less, a memory.

Andy: I think you're bluffin'. ...Dyke.

Tex: Okay, strike two.

Andy: Alright. Whaddaya want?

Tex: Well, when I built you, I used parts from an old protocol robot.

Andy: Yeah, sure, and you also used parts from some of your more personal devices.

Tex: Whoa- okay, can you use those protocol parts and translate what this alien thing is saying?

Andy: Of course! But what's in it for me?

Tex: Let's put it this way. You don't push my buttons, and I don't push yours.

Andy: Alright, fine. But I'm not translating any of that touchy-feely crap!

Tex: Deal. Come on. (starts walking, then turns around) Well are you coming?

Andy: What'm I gonna do, roll there? Pick me up ya dumb bitch!

Tex: Great, I can tell this is starting off well.

Andy: Hey, Tex. I bet you haven't had your hands on a ball this big since your morning scratch! Ahahahahaheh, ahehahe-

Tex drops Andy with a resounding thud

Andy: Heyy, aw come on, Tex, baby, where ya goin', it's just a joke between the two of us guys, come on! Laugh it off big guy, laugh it off! Haha, hey Tex, when you walk away I can see where ya tucked it! Haha!