Red vs Blue : Mirage

Calm Before the Storm

Church: No no no, uh, we're uh, talking about Tex.

Tex: Excuse me?

Church: (whispering to Tex) Hey, you wanna die in an explosion? Play along. (To Andy) Yeah, um... I don't know if you've noticed but she's uh... she's kind of a bitch. Isn't that right Tex.

Tex: Church...

Andy: I don't know...

Tucker: Come on Tex.

Tex: Yes. We're talking about me.

Andy: Sounds like you're patronizing me.

Tex: (grudgingly) No really, it's me, I'm a bitch.

Church: Heh heh, keep going.

Tex: And I need to be calmed down all the time.

Church: Or what happens?

Tex: Or, else I get so mad, I kill people on my own team.

Church: ...I see your point.

Caboose: Tell him about the moodiness. And the crankiness.

Rayner: And the crazyness. And the bitchiness.

Tucker: Also mention that you like to punch people in the head while they sleep.

Caboose: That was you!? I thought the Tooth Fairy was mad at me.

Andy: Well, she sounds like a real handful.

Tex: (angrily) Alright listen you little noob firecracker-

Church: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! See what I mean Andy? Volatile.

Tex: I am so gonna remember this Church.

Caboose: You should sleep with your pillow on top. Of your head. Tonight.

Church: Yes, that's very funny, make all the threats you want. As long as everyone is calm, and peaceful, and there's nothing else to make us excited, I don't care.

Explosions happen outside the base behind him.

O'Malley: (from outside) Attack, my robot minions.

Church: I could almost feel that coming, right as I finished the sentence.

A large explosion happens, and clears to reveal the Reds.

Sarge: What the hell was that?

Simmons: It sounded like a huge explosion!

Sarge: Chantilly lace! That means the Blues have rearmed the bomb.

Grif: Wait, they rearmed it and it exploded. Isn't that good for us?

Sarge: Grif, don't interrupt me when I'm leading in a battle situation!

Grif: ...We're in battle?

Sarge: Course we are, now get ready for your orders. Donut!

Donut: Yes Sir.

Sarge: Scream like a woman!

Donut: Can do! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! (Runs wildly and continues screaming through the rest of the episode. See below)

Sarge: Grif!

Grif: What?

Sarge: Prepare to sacrifice yourself to save a nearby superior officer.

Grif: I don't think I've been trained on that.

Sarge: Simmons, kiss ass at will.

Simmons: You're both an excellent leader, and a handsome man sir.

Sarge: Excellent work Simmons. Incoming.

Sarge and Grif duck, and a rocket shoots over their heads

Sarge: Grif, you're up.

Grif: Permission to assist Donut, Sir.

Sarge: Permission denied. Continue with Operation Meatshield. Remember, just 'cause your bones are broken doesn't mean they won't stop bullets from hitting me! Now get out there.

Simmons: Good call sir!

Sarge: You're on your way to a medal, Simmons. In fact, medals all the way around. Purple Heart for Grif, Pink Heart for Donut, and a Brown Nose for Simmons.