Red vs Blue : Mirage

Hello, My Name is Andrew

Tucker: You know what else you should have picked up on? My fucking first name!

Church: (to Rayner) What about you? Are you Andy?

Rayner: Nope. Kyle. Kyle Rayner. Andrew is my granddad.

Church: Well who the fuck is Andy?

Cut to the Reds, with Grif sitting in the Warthog

Distress Signal: Distress, distress, help, we don't need any more distress, distress, whoah man, it's a lot of distress.

Simmons: That's all it says, it doesn't even say where or who.

Sarge: We know who it is, it's on the Red Army open channel! That means the Reds have survived in to the future. Doncha see what this means?

Grif: Hughhhhhhh, that we have absolutely no hope of ever getting out of this army.

Sarge: No, it means we must have beaten the Blues! Otherwise there wouldn't be any Reds left. Finally, victory is ours! Wait a minute, this means I missed the entire war, aw dammit!

Grif: Yeah, everything must be great. That's why they sent out a distress signal.

Donut: Maybe it's not a distress signal. Maybe it's an open invitation to some formal ball!

Grif: Oh-kay, let's go with Sarge's version.

Sarge: Simmons, have you tracked the source?

Simmons: Well sir, all I can tell is the direction, I have no idea how far it is.

Sarge: Why not? I thought you were our Unofficial Science Officer.

Simmons: That just means I'm smart. If you want me to multiply two big numbers in my head, that I can do. But I can't measure radio signals with no equipment!

Grif: What's thirty-two times, fifty-six?

Simmons: Thirty-one thousand, four hundred fifty-two.

Sarge: Is that right?

Simmons: Yes.

Sarge: That's pretty impressive.

Simmons: Eh, you know, it's a gift.

Cut to a shot of the unexploded bomb, and Caboose talking to the Blues.

Caboose: This, is Andy. Andy, this is Rayner, Tex, and Tucker. Uh, the white one is Rayner, the black one is Tex, and the other black one is Tucker.

Tucker: Andy's the bomb?

Caboose: Uhhh, Andy prefers the term "Explosive American."

Tucker: Are you making fun of me?

Caboose: He told me all about what the Reds are up to. Didn't you Andy...

Andy: ...

Caboose: Yes, and then we talked about all our adventures, did you know that he used to know Sheila? Isn't that right Andy?

Andy: ...

Tucker: Ehm, Caboose, are you hearing the bomb talk right now?

Caboose: Say something Andy. You are embarrassing me in front of my friends.

Tex: Caboose, I think you're losing it.

Tucker: Also I wouldn't really call us 'friends,' we're more like acquaintances or, people who work with other people they hate.

Rayner: I don't hate you guys.

Tucker: You don't?

Rayner: Ye-I mean, sure you guys annoy the fuck outta me sometimes, but I think of you all as my good friends.

Tex:...

Tucker: ... Woah dude careful there. You started like Captain Flowers for sec.

Rayner: *gags* Yeah you're right. Fuck I feel creepy.

Cut to Church talking with Gary

Church: Gary, I need you to tell me some more about the alien race that needs Tucker's sword.

Gary: I do not know anything about them.

Church: You don't know anything about the aliens that programmed you?

Gary: Correct. Instead they filled all my memory banks with information about the great destroyer and his race.

Church: You mean humans.

Gary: That is not what they call you. but correct.

Church: Why, what do they call us?

Gary: ...Shisno.

Church: That's an insult, isn't it.

Gary: Perhaps this can best be explained in the form of a knock knock joke.

Church: (sigh)

Gary: knock knock.

Church: Who's there.

Gary: You are.

Church: You are who.

Gary: You are a dirty dirty shisno. ha ha ha.

Church: Alright, what does it mean?

Gary: What is the most foul-smelling animal on your planet?

Church: Uhm, a skunk. Wait so Shisno means skunk?

Gary: Not exactly. does a skunk defecate?

Church: Yes...

Gary: And does the skunk's defecation in turn produce its own excrement?

Church: Ew, no!

Gary: Then there is no equivalent for shisno in your language.

Church: Gross.

Gary: Like you would not believe.

Church: Hey, does that bomb, ever talk to you?

Gary: The bomb? No. Never.

Church: Yeah, I didn't think so.

Gary: Andy and I are not on speaking terms right now.

Church: Heh heh yeah. Wait, Andy?

Gary: Correct. He is kind of a jerk.

Andy: I'm not the jerk, you're the jerk, jerk!

Gary: That was very rude.

Andy: Ah, shut up ya Shisno!