Red vs Blue : Mirage

New Toys

Sarge: Donut, I told you not to touch anything. You touched everything! That's the exact opposite of touching nothing!

Simmons hops up in the passenger seat of the jeep.

Grif: Hey, what're you doing?

Simmons: What does it look like I'm doing, I'm getting in the jeep.

Grif: What're we, on a date? Get in the back.

Simmons: Oh you're so insecure.

Sarge: (standing back up) Will you two shut up? We need to get this thing fixed.

Donut: I feel dizzy, Sarge...

Rayner: (sigh) Alright come here. Let me see if I can do something about that.

Rayner grabs Donut by the feet and drags him out from under the car.

Sarge: Oh, that's just blood loss. You'll make new blood, you just need some orange juice.

Tucker: What's the rush on getting this thing fixed, anyway?

Sarge: Listen dirtbag, I know on Blue Team you like to lollygag a bit-

Tucker: There is no Blue Team. It's all a lie. Red and Blue are the same.

Grif: Aw, don't start that crap again.

Simmons: You sound like a conspiracy nut when you talk about that stuff. The government put a chip in my brain.

Grif: The President can hear my thoughts.

Donut: We never landed on the sun.

Rayner: Quiet you. (tugs Donut's hand)

Donut: Ya-aaooow!

Grif: (sharp inhale) They put fluoride in my water!

Simmons: Actually, that one's true.

Grif: It is? No wonder I listen to so much pop music.

Sarge: We're fixing the jeep because we need to be prepared. Just as our enemies are no doubt preparing to attack us at this very moment.

Tucker: But you guys think I'm your enemy, and I'm not preparing to do anything. 'Cept get L-A-I-D.

Simmons: ...

Grif: ...

Tucker: Laid.

Grif: Yeah, we can spell. We just think that was fucking weak.

Cut to Doc O'Malley and Lopez's head in some sort of base.

O'Malley: (maniacal laughter) Yes, this place will do nicely for an evil lair. It's diabolically designed!

Doc: As a student of feng-shui, I can tell you this house is 88% good luck. Also, very breezy. I like the floorplan.

O'Malley: Quiet you fool.

Lopez: No mas quiero un cuarto solo para mí. No me gusta compartir con el vacío. [I just want my own room. I hate sharing with the vacuum.]

O'Malley: Hello? Is anyone home? Don't be alarmed, we're only here to kill you and take all your possessions. Excellent! No doubt our very presence, has scared everyone away! (evil laugh)

Doc: Why don't we just see if this place is listed by a licensed real estate agent?

O'Malley: Oh shut up!

Doc: But we don't even know if it's been inspected recently. It could need foundation work.

Lopez: Podría tener molde. [It could have mold.]

O'Malley: Both of you shut up. We're moving in and that's final. It has machine gun turrets, two living quarters with ample closet space, and a short commute to my secret laboratory! ...It's perfect.

Doc: Yeah, but what about the school district?

Lopez: No tenemos ningún niño. [We have no children.]

Doc: It's important to think about resale value, Lopez.

O'Malley: Resale value? Our plan is to rule the world! Not make prudent investments.

Lopez: Es importante tener un plan del retraso. [It's important to have a fallback plan.]

O'Malley: Oh shut up. We're moving in, that's final.

Doc: Hey look, a computer! Now I can finally update my blog.

Lopez: ¿Tienes un weblog? [You have a blog?]

Doc: Yeahah, it's great. It's just like being a real journalist, but without all the hassle of like liability and accuracy.

O'Malley: No, I need that computer for compiling evil formulas. And to rebuild the weather machine. Also to download music. (evil laugh)

Lopez: ¿Quien quiere un postal de googlé invita? [Does anyone want a g-mail invite?]

Doc: Ooh, I do!

Lopez: Tengo cuarenta mil a dar. Es muy exclusivo. [I only have 40,000. It's very exclusive.]

O'Malley: Where's the mouse thingy?

Doc: It has one of those red rubber dot thingies on the keyboard. That's way better than a mouse. I call it a nubbin. Who wants to touch my nubbin?