A/N: The warning is that this chapter might be sad asf and possibly uncomfortable..?? SUGGESTIVE wording, very HEAVY thoughts, descriptions of (panic attack)?
Truthfully, I only wrote on this chapter while in my depressive moods so that I could make it as authentic as possible. The problem is that my writing is crap while im depressed, so... sorry for the quality :')
Depression... is a lot like the mind and the heart fighting with each other. And the soul... is just stuck in the chaos of it all.
When the mind is upset, it reminds you of the past. It tells you the future is dark and hopeless.
When the heart is upset, it tells you that something is wrong, but won't tell you what it is.
You're left guessing why you feel the way you do. Sometimes you really don't know.
Ni-ki didn't know. He didn't know why he suddenly felt like crying, losing his appetite while eating. He didn't know why the joy was suddenly sucked out of whatever activity he was doing.
He didn't know why the world was suddenly loud and repetitive.
But in these moments... he was depressed.
Depression isn't always feeling sad. Sometimes it feels empty. Alone. It feels like chaos and nothing at the same time. It feels like fear and being unbothered simultaneously. It feels like extreme pain and numbness.
Helpless, not knowing how to stop it.
Feeling like you don't deserve to stop it.
Like you deserve to suffer.
Like suffering is better than being happy.
Because... Why would you want to be happy, just to have it stripped away? It's better to not be happy at all. Like the false hope gets tiring after it's taken away so many times. The thoughts of being okay seem less believable when you keep falling back into a depressed state.
That's how Ni-ki felt.
In the moments depression suddenly drowned him, he looked around at his members... wondering how they could smile. Wondering... how they could feel happy. Laugh. Love. Live.
How they could function at all, because he really felt like collapsing. He felt like closing his eyes, making everything disappear just for a while. Needed a break from everything.
Those thoughts finally caught up to him that night. Luckily Jake interrupted him. After that... the thoughts didn't go away, but he felt a bit stronger against them.
The were still constant, but he wasn't so hesitant to ask for help, to ask for space. And no one questioned a thing when he would suddenly curl up against them.
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✓ (20 CUBE) - Sunsun
同人小說Things were supposed to get better once Sunoo admitted his feelings for Sunghoon. Instead, they've only gotten more complicated. There's still more to learn and more problems for the two of them to work out... ...All while the threat of being expose...
