All of a sudden, every fallen soldier at once jumps up yelling and cheering.
Sarge: Sweet jibbly jiblets!
Caboose: Running time!
The soldiers all run off, going around Sarge and Caboose to get back to their bases.
Soldiers: Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut etc.
A blue soldier: (jumping in to the blue base) and jump.
A red soldier: (running to the red base) Huay ho huay ho ho hey ho ha ya ho ya yo yuh!
The soldiers all run in to their bases, leaving Sarge and Caboose alone outside.
Sarge: What just happened here.
Caboose: I think all the sleepy people were trying to ke-
Sarge: That was rhetorical.
A blue soldier: (from inside) Yeah, go blue team!
Blue soldiers: (from inside, continuing to yell... see the bottom of the transcript for what they say)
Sarge: Get over here, give me a boost!
Caboose: Okay. (steps closer to Sarge) You are a good person, and people say nice things about you.
Sarge: Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one. I need to see what's in that window.
Caboose: That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough.
Sarge: I know, I need you to help me look through it.
Caboose: I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is round, that window is square.
Sarge: Come here, you.
Sarge boosts Caboose up to look in the base.
Blue soldier 1: I'm gonna kill me a red, and when I get him I'm gonna chop his gutsout I'm going to eat 'em right there. (they continue yammering, see the bottom of the transcript)
Caboose: Whoa.
Sarge: What do you see?
Caboose: I see... a room.
Sarge: And? What's in the room?
Caboose: There are some walls, and some ceilings. Wait- just one ceiling.
Sarge: What's making that racket?
The Blue Soldiers: Kill the reds, kill the reds, kill the reds, kill the reds, kill the reds!
Caboose: You are not going to like it.
Sarge lets Caboose down
Sarge: Caboose, I have a very bad feeling abou-
Trumpet music CHARGE plays.
Sarge: What's that?
The blues emerge from their base firing on all cylinders, yelling CHARGE! and similar optimistic battle-cries. The reds do the same. A blatant firefight ensues.
Sarge: Come on Caboose, we gotta get to higher ground!
They run off.
A blue soldier: Yeah I love reloading, I love to reload!
A red soldier: (smashing him in the back of the head) Oh, back of the head!
The newly fallen blue soldier: D'oh, tell my girlfriend that I love her.
The red soldier: She's my girlfriend now bitch!
Sarge: Come on Caboose! (they run up a convenient ladder)
The Soldiers: (random shouts and jeers)
Caboose: Sarge... I am scared of our new friends.
Sarge: Hot Sonny Bono, what's going on here?
A red soldier emerges from the blue base with their flag.
The red soldier: Stop fighting, stop fighting everyone, stop fighting! (everyone stops shooting and looks at him) Everyone, everyone, look unto me! I possess the blue flag!
A red soldier: It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!
The red flag bearer: I have seen the top of the mountain! And you will worship me as though I were a God!
The poor red dude is mobbed by four blues at once, WWE-style, and taken down.
The red flag bearer: I regret nothing! I lived as few men dare to dream!
The remaining soldiers look at each other, then back at him, then back at each other, and continue firing. A red guy gets a blue guy from behind with the butt of his gun.
Red guy: Hell yeah! (gets shot in the back of the head) Oh no!
The blue sniper: Head shot! (gets shot in the feet by a rocket) Oh, you rocket-whore!
A Blue guy: Hey I got some, you want some? I got some for you! Come on you!
A Red guy: The only good blue is a dead blue!
A different Red guy: Christ this water's cold!
Cut to a red and a blue on either side of a rock alternating standing up firing and crouching so the other guy can fire. The blue guy is killed by a grenade from behind.
Red guy: Weak! You took my kill!
Other Red guy: I didn't see your name on it! (gets shot by a camper from behind a rock) Oh you fucking camping bitch!
Blue camper: It's a legitimate strategy! (gets shot at rounding a rock) Whoa!
Red guy: Damn! Hey blue, we're the only two left! Let's work together!
Blue guy: What do you mean?
Red guy: I'm coming out!
Blue guy: Okay, I'm coming out too!
They meet in the stream.
Blue guy: What did you mean we could work as a team?
The red guy smashes the blue guy in the face with his gun.
Red guy: I bash you in the head with my rifle and you die. Good teamwork you fucking noob. Good game, good game everybody! GG man, GG. (takes a hit from nowhere in the back of the head and falls over)
Sarge: I have no earthly idea what it is I just saw, or what this place is, or where in the Hell O'Malley is! My only choice is to blame Grif, for coming up with such a flawed plan. Stupid, stupid Grif.
Caboose: I am so confused. Where is Church? I need Church to tell me what to think. Church could handle this. He can handle anything!
Cut to Church and Grif in jail
Church: Hey asshole, for the last time, LET ME OUTTA THIS GOD DAMN JAIL CELL!
Grif: Yeah, let him out. He's driving me nuts!
Church: Oh shut up, red, nobody asked you.
Grif: I should have never listened to Donut's stupid fucking plan.
YOU ARE READING
Red vs Blue : Mirage
HumorFormer mercenary Kyle Rayner has lived a rough life. After retiring from mercenary work he sought to live a normal life, but soon learns how hard it is to adjust to civilian life after all the grueling missions he's been on. So, he does the next bes...
S3: The Best Laid Plans
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