𝐏𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐃 | 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐢

28

janae
9|30
saturday

i put my two weeks in a week ago.

everything was just getting too much for me at this moment. i was falling into a depressive episode where i can't even get out of bed

i've gone through this many times, it's nothing new but it hits so hard, i forget how i lived through it.

it's not anything physical, it was all happening in my head, internally.

i didn't want to speak, i had nothing to say anyways. so when mom comes to my room to tell me how to take care of jory like i don't do it all the time, i just nod until she gives up trying to get an answer out of me and leaves

what is it, that first occupies my mind when i think of sadness. not feeling pretty enough? knowing me and my mothers relationship can never be salvaged? feeling like i'm never enough for anyone?

i pick choice c, feeling like i'm never enough for anybody.
which is ironic because i was just starting to accept myself physically in a way.

i had almost stopped comparing myself to other girls.

almost

i put my airpods in just to stare at the wall. the melanchole album by salvia palth played as i passed the time, which was just 30 minutes until jory woke up.

it was 9am now. i wish i could've stayed in bed longer.

"did you brush your teeth?" i asked him warily as i smelt his hot, smelly breath from a few feet away from me.

"no."

"go brush your teeth."

"i want to eat cereal. cinnamon toast crunch."

"okay, just go brush your teeth."

his little footsteps grew further away until i heard the water run. i used this as a sign to brush my own teeth. 
i feel like a hypocrite

i heard my phone buzz as i brushed my teeth after my shower, and i assumed it was khalil since we've been talking more and more everyday.

i can just text him back later.

but later can mean anytime today or next week and i didn't want him to lose interest in me. i may not like him a lot, but it feels good to know someone wants me.

i know it's selfish but i feel like years of rejection lead you to this feeling and it'll only get better by feeling the void with a person. one that you can use for you.

i force myself to look at the text, it was actually from sergio.

gio

good morning mamas
how'd u sleep?

good
wbu

good
are your parents home?

no it's only me and jory tdy

come outside

i have to lock in. he texted me good morning like 20 minutes ago, so how long has he been outside waiting for an answer?

and i knew i looked a mess. my bonnet was on, i had just showered making me ashy because i was too lazy to moisturize.

i hurriedly ran back to my room and started applying my lotion, the eos 24 hour vanilla cashmere.
i had another eos lotion, the jasmine peach but i wasn't feeling fruity today, if you know what i mean.

like having your perfumes together, and picking the one that suits you best that day. and today i wanted to feel cozy, i felt like the other one was for summer, this was fall.

i put on a cuter outfit than what i had on, well just pants. a white pro club shirt and these cargo sweatpants that werent cuffed at the end.

i put on pure seduction by victoria secret. i loved this scent right now.

i took my bonnet off and raked my fingers through my braids, making me look better. i put some carmex on my lips then i put on my crocs and left the house.

i guess this is the most excited i've been today, not by jory and not by the thought of khalil texting me.
it was knowing that i would see sergio face to face right now after some time, a week maybe.
we were on our annual fall break.

and all i've done was work that time so i do deserve this day off.

i saw his white truck on the side of my yard but still on the driveway if you understand, like by the mailbox.

jory was watching tv so i don't think he noticed the door opened.

i smiled at the sight of him.
i feel like a simp right now.

i knock on the window and he unlocks the door. "we have to make this quick. i left jory inside," i tell him.

"why can't he meet me?" sergio answers me, getting a few things form in between his legs. he has a single cab, so barely anything could go in the back.

"and tell my parents how i let a tall and tattooed man inside their house? never."

he rolled his eyes but i knew he understood.

"how long have you been here anyways?" i ask.

"like a good 30 minutes."

i avert my eyes, feeling guilty.

"anyways for you mamas." he gives me a chickfila bag and a starbucks one, with a hot coffee.
i didn't like the iced coffee

i beamed at the sight. my favorite pick me ups.

"thank you gio. did you get any for yourself?"

"no, you were more important at the time."

i reached over to give him a hug, which he returned by gripping my waist tightly and resting his head in the crook of my neck.

we stayed like this for a while, not because he let go. a few seconds after the hug i felt his grip get looser, but i didn't let go. i didn't want to.

not when i felt like i was going through something and he seemed the only light i could find.

and it felt like if i didn't hug him as tightly as i am, i could lose my light.

he rubbed circles on my back, he does this to calm me. does he know that the grip i have on him means i need something from him?

he must.

i let go when i realize again i left jory inside. i let go, feeling a little embarrassed on how far i took that hug.

this is obviously not my best moments.

"you smell good," he says, to ease the tension i am surely showing on my face.

i smile because he always says this.

"i'm going to go now, thank you again gio."

he leans forward and kisses my forehead, a gesture that's so small but speaks volumes to me.

"bye mamas."