𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐨𝐜𝐭𝐨𝐫 | 𝘙𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘎𝘳𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴

Cass - part one

A/N: ***TRIGGER WARNING*** This is the chapter in which Rape/Non-Consensual is mentioned and referenced but there are NO explicit scenes, it is just spoken about 💔 Also thank you all for  30K you have literally blown me away!! Love you all <333

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- Cass's POV -

- month one -

Scanning the slabs of glass and opaque paint obscuring my view, I angle my head until I find it- the chip in the paint that lets me look outside. Through the minuscule gap of paint, my heart fills with bittersweet emotion as I glimpse the mix of blurry grey abandoned buildings and the tinge of green weeds overtaking them.

Really, it's a view of nothing. It's such a small gap that there isn't much to see. And I know that.

It's my only way to see the outside world in this suffocatingly claustrophobic place.

I have the view memorized, etched in the back of my retinas and mind. As I fail to sleep at night, I close my eyes and see it.

But it's not the same.

Looking through this crack, finding this small part of the outside world, is the only thing that makes me feel like I can breathe here.

Clenching my jaw in a futile attempt to stop the uncontrollable shaking of my body, I huddle my knees even closer to my chest, seeking solace against the unyielding concrete wall behind me. The soreness of my spine and tailbone is the only sensation that grounds me in this new reality. Pain is the only thing sharp enough to pierce through the fog of numbness that has enveloped me for the past three weeks.

I swallow hard, fighting against the bile rising up my throat. That's been happening a lot, starting around two weeks ago, when I realized there was no escaping this place. That's when it all hit me.

Each morning, as I wake up to the stark realization that Rick isn't beside me, the reality of my surroundings crashes over me like a frozen wave, and the sheer disgust that consumes me is overpowering. It violently churns in my gut until I can't contain it any longer and have to run into the bathroom to throw it up.

I'm repulsed by myself to the very core. Repulsed by this place.

While I'm struggling numbly through these agonizing days of dread, nausea, and heart-wrenching grief- I have no idea if my family is alive. The unknowing of their well-being gnaws at my heart, a constant reminder that I'm separated from them and have no clue if they're alive.

I have no idea what that horn sound was. No idea if that massive herd made it home. No idea what those gunshots were on Rick's end of the walkie-talkie. And I have no idea if Daryl, Sasha, or Abraham made it after I got separated from them.

All I know with horrifying certainty is that I'm here. And the consuming hatred I have for this place festers with every second I'm forced to be here.

I hate every single thing about this damned 'Sanctuary'. The oppressive grey walls, the stupid and extravagant decorations that mimic some twisted version of the Playboy mansion, and the wasteful platters of wine and cheese.

I hate this stifling room, a suffocating cage of feigned comfort, that fuels my fierce hatred with each passing moment.

I hate the other wives, not because of their willingness to lounge around and pander to Negan's desires or their clear annoyance at my continuous refusal to speak, but because they're a reflection of me.

A reflection of the version of myself that I've become here- what I have to do here.

This mutual distaste between me and the wives results in a shared understanding that I steer clear of them, retreating to the corners of this miserable existence, and in turn, they ignore me.