~~~Superstes~~~UNDERGOING MAJOR EDITING

Firstborn son.

My father was many things. One: a father, two: Olo'eyktan, three: a marine, four: Toruk Makto. I'd always viewed him as such a hero, someone to marvel at, he never made a mistake, he never got hurt. Your parents getting sick or injured is never something you think about, until it happens, and when it does, you become a scared, skittish child again afraid of being left alone, with nobody to take care of you.

I wasn't used to seeing Dad so vulnerable, much less with a big, bloody hole in his shoulder. I wasn't used to seeing him unconscious, on the thin string that was his life. I thought, surely a wounded shoulder wouldn't be this grave.      

But maybe it was. Maybe he had some other injury lurking beneath his skin, something internal. A wound I couldn't see. 

As we were soaring hundreds of feet above the trees, I did my best to guide the huge ikran while stitching Dad's shoulder closed. He was limp the entire time, not reacting to the pain at all. My heart was beating so fast I felt it would burst out of my chest. "Dad, please wake up. You have to wake up--please just open your eyes. I'm right here." 

Again, no response to my pleading tone. Is this how he felt when I was unconscious for a month? Guilt creeped its way into my gut. I now know how desperate, how hopeless this feeling is.

"Dad, did you hit your head? Wake up!" Letting the impulse win, I slapped him across the face harshly. 

Finally, I gasped in shock as Dad's eyes snapped open and he shot up, arms outstretched like he was defending himself. "What?" he glanced feverishly around him, at the passing clouds, the dreary sky. "What in the world--" 

"Dad you idiot!" I screamed. I made him face me. "You absolute idiot! Why did you let me leave you out there?! You could've died, you could have left Tuk and Kiri and Lo'ak without a father--the clan without a leader!" 

Dad attempted his hold his hands out, his eyes softening. "I know, I know--" 

"No, you don't! Have you any clue how selfish that was?!" I inhaled a deep, burning breath. "What would we do if you died--what would Ma do?" 

"Listen, I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't think any of this would happen--I was selfish. I know." 

 Out of all of the things that had happened lately--I remembered calling Dad stupid when I was sick with fever. I hadn't apologized to him once, I'd forgotten and moved on, never having any time to dwell on it before the next perilous event came. I never meant those words--I was sick, I hadn't known what I was saying, but now, I knew that my anger was real, and I meant all of it. 

In the biolab's medical bay, Dad had shown me affection. But I was injured then. He'd shown me affection at the reef's gathering, only because I was overrun with emotions, and he wanted to dismiss them quickly. 

Or when Lo'ak was left out of my line of complements. He deserved them as much as I did. My younger brother wasn't even here--he wasn't even in this conversation, but I was going to take this chance. 

I think this was the first time I was ever angry with my father or have negative feelings towards him. 

"Dad, do you actually grasp how difficult this is? For all of us?" I demand. "Lo'ak thinks that he's a disappointment--how do you expect me to handle all this? You won't talk to him about it!" I didn't know I'd turn this argument in Lo'ak's direction. "We both live in your shadow! And I love looking after my siblings, I really do, but this is too much!" 

"I told you at the gathering you could have a break." 

"And what did that change? Your guilt complexes? It sure didn't change mine. I want your praises so badly, but when are you going to give them to my brother? When are you going to shape up and treat your family like a family?"