Love me better [Fyolai Highschool Au]

Sparks

Tw: swearing. I had people complain about it somewhere, so I rather notice.

It was Friday night and Fjodor sat on his bed, in his hand the letter he wrote as a reply for Gogol. In the end, he didn't give it to him that day.

Suddenly the doorbell rang and he immediately jumped up. A little scared he glanced through the hole, only to see Nikolai outside. "What are you...?" The white haired boy stumbled into the apartment. "I'm sorry, am I bothering you?" Maybe he should have asked that before entering the flat. Fjodor shook his head and guided him to the living room. Nikolai carried a heavy bag with him, which rested on the couch for now. "Your flat is pretty spacious", he said. Concerned Fjodor looked at the other male. He wouldn't randomly show up here if nothing happened. Especially not after that letter today. "What happened... Nikolai?"

Fjodor still hesitated with the first name basis. But he had never really called him by any name before either. Nikolai didn't notice it anyway, he just looked at his hands. "Well, haha, so, my parents found your letter and... Funny thing... They weren't amused." He said in a cheerful tone. This wasn't funny at all. Panic rose in his chest. "You know what that means? That damn letter is enough proof to report me to the police! I practically confessed everything!" He was furious. Why did they find the letter? Why did he have to write it in the first place?

Gogol still stood in the middle of the room. "You were ten, Fjodor. And whatever you did, you tried to protect yourself against your father." Fjodor stopped stomping around the room and turned towards Nikolai. "You aren't here just to tell me that, are you?", he asked and came closer. "No, I'm just here to talk to my friend, that's all." He forced a smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Quit it and spit it out! You have a damn bag with you. Did you run away?!" Gogol flinched.

Fjodor realized his voice had gotten a bit loud and he sighed to calm himself down. This clearly wasn't about him now. Hesitantly he reached out a hand to the white haired boy. "Come." Slowly the other one rose own hand and grabbed his. "You sure you're okay with this?" Fjodor nodded and they sat down on the couch. Then he reached for Nikolai's other hand, so he held them both. "Now, please tell me what's up."

"Well, like I said, they found the letter. My parents think that friends and stuff are things to do after you get a job and a stable life. Before that, academic success is everything. Somehow, my grades dropped a bit since I got to this school and they already suspected that there was a person behind that.

When I wanted to come to your house, I wanted to leave the midterm grades on the table and just go hide for a week, but somehow they found out and I got grounded. I had to avoid you. My parents threatened to make me change school again otherwise.

And now that they found the letter, well, they had the proof they needed, that there was more than school on my mind. Starting next year I will go to another school. Very far away from here. Very very far. Then I sorta panicked and ran to your place."

Fjodor listened quietly. That explained everything. He let his head sink on the taller one's shoulder. "Oh Kolya." Then both of them froze and looked at each other. "W...What did you call me just now?" Shit. He had somehow ended up giving him that nickname in his mind but he never intended saying it out loud. "I... erm, well I..." He stared into Nikolai's two colored eyes and it felt like everything stopped. Including Fjodor's brain. There were no words left in his mind. I want to be closer. The thought flashed through his mind. His heart beat fastened. His hand flinched.

Author's note:
Hi, it's me again. Maybe I should rather start a blog diary than writing all my personal stuff below a fanfic that has almost nothing to do with it. And maybe I'll do that someday. But for now, I just wanted to get something off my chest on the beautifully anonymous internet haha. Well, I've been thinking an awful lot about love and romance these days, because there was a guy and yeah... It didn't work out and I guess now I know why. Turns out I am probably ace, like, asexual. For those who are confused by the term, asexual means experiencing little to no sexual attraction. For more detailed info, please watch some YouTube videos or do research online, there's so much good info on that topic.
Maybe I do write that blog diary and tell more about it there myself. For now just one more note:
Asexuality is a spectrum with a ton of micro labels, which is beautiful, because it makes so much more sense to me to be demiromantic (needs a strong emotional connection to even fall in love, like, friends to lovers trope haha) and aegosexual (can imagine hugging, kissing, yk, in my head, but couldn't/wouldn't do it irl).
I don't know what I expected when I told some of my friends, but the reactions were... Okay I guess. Not bad but like, how could a "normal" human being even understand that situation. Not that good I think and they are struggling too with it. But I thought, maybe sharing it here will find more people like me. Or more people who feel the same and are as confused as me before I knew about it. Especially the aegosexual part confused me. Like, being ace and still reading smut fanfics? (whoops, yeah, I do read that stuff from time to time) It just didn't make sense to me. But now it does. It all makes sense.
Well, now I really want to write more about it. But I won't do that here. I already took enough of your precious time. This should be about the fanfic, not about me.
Have a wonderful day and I hope you still like the chapter.
Yours sincerely,
LunaMiyazawa 💜