Record of Wrongs

Chapter 15.

Arielle

"So, they were really arguing outside?" Donna asked intrigued as she bounced Olivia in her arms. She was very giddy after I told her about Tara and Jax's squabble in the yard, and I knew she took pleasure in hearing about Tara's reaction.

"Yeah, they were loud too, and when Jax came back inside he tried to pass it off like nothing happened. He even acted like he was living alone this entire time," I rolled my eyes at the memory, "like I couldn't smell her thick perfume in the air."

I snorted and looked down at Noah in my arms, "Remember Noah, a woman always knows. Even when she asks you, she already knows. She's just giving you the chance to tell the truth."

"Amen to that," Wendy said as she played with Abel on the floor. She had gradually entered my friend group with Donna; making our duo a trio. I enjoyed her company and Donna did too. Both of them had come to be with me after Jax left this morning. Donna brought Noah along with her, so that I could finally meet him, and Wendy came to spend time with Abel.

Abel still didn't know that Wendy was his biological mother, and that was fine for now since he was still so young. But I'd granted her access to him since she was so willing to help me during my time of need. Jax hadn't objected to her coming here, but I just chalked it up to him preparing for the inevitable. And besides, it wasn't like he had a foot to stand on when deciding who could be around the kids.

"I don't know why they were arguing, I don't care if he wants to be with her. As long as he keeps his relationship to himself, and only himself. Then do what you want, you were with her before I left, so what's the big deal now?"

"Isn't it obvious? He wants you now, and he's doing everything he can to get you back," Donna replied, "I guess the doctor was on the "throw-away" list."

I bit my lower lip as I pondered what Donna was saying. I knew that Jax wanted to get back together, but I didn't think it was a good idea. I mean sure he'd probably have a five-day streak of good behavior, but when I reject him again, he'll be crawling back to Tara in a heartbeat.

Wendy noticed my silence and looked at me with raised eyebrows. "Are you considering it? Do you want to get back together with him?"

I was taken aback by her question and quickly defended myself. "No, I'm just calculating how long he'll be able to keep this up. I give it another seventy-two hours and he's out, any more bets?"

"Ari," Donna groaned, "I think he's really trying to make things right."

"So, I should forgive him after everything he's done?" there was a sharpness in my tone that made Donna retract her statement.

"That's not at all what I'm saying, Ari,  you know I'm on your side with this. It's just that..." Donna sighed.

"What?" I asked curiously.

"When you were gone, it was like someone had turned off a switch. I mean sure he was there physically, but he was just dead on the inside. I'd never seen anyone behave like that. Piney had always talked about the trauma of war and what it does to a man, but it was as if Jax had gone to war and lost."

I said nothing as Donna explained her piece, and when she was done I still had nothing to say in regards to Jax.

"Ari, are you okay?" Wendy looked concerned as she asked me this, and for a moment I couldn't understand why. That is until I felt hot, fresh tears run down my cheeks.

Donna immediately panicked, fearing that her words had pushed me over the edge. She let out a string of apologies while Wendy handed me a tissue and urged Abel to go wait in his room.

I hadn't expected to cry, nor did I want to. But hearing how my absence affected Jax brought tears to my eyes. Not because I felt terrible for him, he deserved to mourn over what he did, but because I related to the emptiness he felt inside.

"You can talk about it if you want Ari, we're here for you," Wendy rubbed her hand over my knee and I gave her a weak smile.

"Uh, I hate crying," I smiled through the tears, but it quickly fell when I was overcome with emotion. "I just thought that I'd be happier hearing how much pain he felt after what he did to me. But I'm just angry, I'm angry that even after everything I went through I can relate to that feeling of emptiness."

"Oh Ari," Donna looked at me sadly and sat down next to me on the couch.

"I hate him so much, Donna. He took everything from me, even my emptiness, and I hate him for it." I knew that I wasn't making any sense to Donna or Wendy, but my misery was mine, it was all I had left when I was with Galindo. It was the only emotion that made sense to me; the only one that helped me to go numb when I felt like God had hidden his face from me. The gaping hole in my chest was supposed to be only mine to feel, but knowing that Jax felt the same made me bitter with hate.

Even now, my comfort came from knowing that I could reject him. After all the tears and heartache, I was the person who held his heart in my hands, even if it would only be temporary.

I angrily wiped my tears from my face, upset that Jax was the reason behind my tears. "When I was on the compound, I wanted to hurt him. Every day I'd think of a new way to do it, but then I'd think about Abel and then I'd feel terrible. Even now, when he wakes me up with his tiny hands or I hear his feet running down the hallway, I feel so guilty for wanting to take Jax away from him like Jax took him from me. It's unfair."

"Ari, you're angry, it's okay to be angry," Wendy said comforting me.

"I'm not just angry, I'm mad as hell." Olivia stirred in Donna's arms at my words, and for a moment I thought she would cry for effects. It would have surely fit the mood of how I was feeling. "Am I crazy?"

Donna and Wendy shook their heads at my question in unison, but I wasn't convinced. "I mean, I must be crazy, right? Because when he said he wanted me back and he wanted our family, I wasn't mad at him for asking. I was mad at him for finally giving me everything I'd ever wanted from him after he robbed me of everything I had left."

The room was silent for a moment as my words hung in there, and I'll have to admit, it felt good to finally let it all out. Or at least a portion of it. However, whatever I had left would have to be bottled up, because just before anything could be added Opie and Jax walked through the door. It was still well into the afternoon, and seeing them came as a surprise to me.

Jax never just stopped by throughout the day before, and it was kind of weird seeing him do it now. The air in the room shifted and Wendy ended up leaving since things between her and Jax were still awkward. I envied her ability to leave, it would have been nice to do the same.

"How's my favorite girl?" Jax made eye contact with me as he said it, then reached for Olivia. Donna was still giving Opie the cold shoulder, so when he leaned in for a kiss she turned her head away from him. So, he reached for Noah instead who had opened his eyes to his father's voice. I could see that he tried not to let it bother him, so he ended up just asking how our day went.

"It was fine," I said, speaking for the both of us. Opie and Jax exchanged looks but decided not to question me any further, as they knew better not to.

Jax sat down on the chair next to me and I watched him interact with Olivia. I could tell that he loved her deeply based on their interactions, and it was sweet hearing him talk to her. I knew he was her father and that it was expected of him to be a good dad to her, but fatherhood was always so beautiful on Jax. It was one of the things I used to adore about him.

But seeing them together makes me think about everything we could have had. I dreamed of this kind of life for years, but now that it was being handed to me, I couldn't accept it. Or more so, I couldn't accept the idea of Jax changing for the better.