Mixed Up: A Short Story Anthology

Four Walls and a Roof

(A short story for English class that got way too long, in which a home improvement star stumbles upon a haunted house. It was intended to be a funny love letter to horror tropes, but it might take itself too seriously.)

Kelly Key was a pseudonym—a stage name, a persona in itself. The seven letters assigned to her at birth were closely guarded secrets, kept so well hidden that she'd almost forgotten them herself. The trusted few that knew the name had given up on using it long ago.

Hiding her real name made Kelly feel mysterious. People speculated, she figured. They were dying to know. She must have been the hottest issue on talk shows, always making tabloid covers, always keeping people guessing.

Bold assumptions from a home improvement personality.

Kelly's show, Four Walls and a Roof, was an objectively boring, overly polished program rated third on the Home Improvement Network, after Save My House! and Total Flip. Some days, this knowledge was enough to send Kelly into a murderous rage. After all, third was below second, and second was below first.

Kelly knew she needed to do something big for the premiere of her show's third season, so when a particularly interesting house came across her producer's desk, she took the assignment without hesitation, believing the unique home in need of repair would be a massive ratings boost. Immediately, the wannabe star and her co-host/husband, Allan, took off for Massachusetts.

Down winding, bumpy, dusty backroads and over splintered wooden bridges, ancient houses stood, some leaning and beginning to decay with time. Kelly stared at them as they flew by the window, wondering what they were like on the inside, and what she could do to make them better.

When they arrived at their destination, Kelly and Allan stepped out of their rented Audi and stared up at the monstrous house before them. Once upon a time, its white exterior might have been pristine, but now, the paint barely clung to the dark wood showing through it in great patches. Faded and punished by the elements, the front steps gaped with black holes left by insects and rot, rendering the wood hazardously unstable. At least one window on each of the farmhouse's three stories had long since been broken, and the jagged shards left in the frames were like sharp teeth ready to chomp down on anything they could reach.

The rest of the area possessed a sort of untamed beauty. Formerly well-maintained farmland, the property around the house now exploded with lush green. Left untended, bushes and weeds had sprouted up and blended together with grass nearly a foot high, creating a chaotic jungle of green.

One of the trendiest couples Kelly had ever seen stood in front of the dilapidated pile of wood, each with their weight shifted to one leg. Arms crossed, phones in hand, and jeans cuffed, they stood expectantly next to a Prius parked in what might be the driveway.

The woman kept her black hair in a stylishly sloppy bun, and the black-rimmed glasses placed meticulously on her face clearly served no practical purpose aside from style. The man's blond hair was styled in an undercut and covered with a grey beanie. Gauges stretched out his ears, and his short beard needed a trim. Both wore bored expressions, but Kelly had dealt with enough people like them to know that they were secretly excited to be on television.

Camera crew in tow, Kelly approached the couple and introduced herself.

"Hi there!" she said in her best TV personality voice. "I'm Kelly Key! Are you guys ready to flip this house?"

"God, yes," the woman replied.

"Alright, well, let's go inside!" Kelly said, carefully climbing the fragile stairs. She opened the door and led the couple into their own home.