Food For Thought.

A Hug.

Sometime ago, i noticed that i had a big hole inside of me. I don't know what exactly created it, probably it was a mix of things that played their role in the opening of this hole, the thing is that i noticed it and it seemed pretty big to be able to handle it. Many things have happened to me too, so it is logical to end up in this position. I realized that i was in so much pain and i wanted a little bit of love, to be able to cover, fill, heal and if it is possible to even close completely that hole that i was feeling inside.

I tried to acknowledge what i was seeing because i thought that it would be better this way. Acknowledging the problem is the first step in healing it, i thought. Before that, some people came and then left from my life and losing these people shook me to the core. They abandoned me, they reject me, they disappointed me. What happened made me feel so lonely and empty. Why this had to happen to me? Why people can't accept me as i am, the whole me and i have to be a certain way if i want to get accepted and if i want to have others in my life? I have reached that point in my life that interactions with others are so painful because i can't talk freely and openly without the constant fear that i might say or do something that might make others to turn their backs on me and not wanting anything to do with me. 

After something cruel that have happened to me, i have never felt more lonely in my life, due to the fact that i had noone to share what happened and tell me a good word, make me a hug to feel better. I was crying nonstop for two to three hours and later, i realized that i wasn't crying for what happened to me but because i had noone to share it with, i was all alone. I only had a good man, that this day was the first day that i was meeting him and i never saw him afterwards, that bought me a bottle of water, with his own money and that he was trying to make me feel better and by talking to me and telling me stories, was striving to change my mood and make me forget and the company of a praying mantis that jumped on me and sat over my heart and didn't want to leave.

I realized that i was willing to do anything for a little bit of attention, when all i ever wanted was to feel loved, that i deserve that. That free hugs that some people are giving away on the streets, have so much meaning, can make someone feel a lot better, i believe.

Now, I stopped looking at my hole, probably it's still there but i don't have the luxury to look at it because i have to be as strong as possible in order to continue. And, looking at it, might make me feel disheartened and keep me stuck and needing to isolate my self from everything and everyone in an effort to protect my self and my heart from further damage. So, i grind my teeth and keep going. I hope in the future to have more positive things to write about and be more happy. My hopes keep me standing tall and not giving up. I want to believe that it's just a bad period of my life, that it will pass, eventually.