Food For Thought.

Normal.

"Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider, is chaos for the fly." Morticia Adams
 

Before some days, I heard the phrase about someone, that he hangs out only with normal people (*hides my weirdness under a blanket or something*) and that phrase really bothered me. In the past, I have struggled a lot in my relationships with others and I don't mean only the romantic ones but I have felt people's criticism to my core. The way I grew up, might have played a huge role in to that. I was raised with the constant fear of what I should do, to not do something that it isn't acceptable because I would instantly get rejected, looked down upon and over the years it grew up a lot, to unhealthy levels, that it kept me stuck, even paralyzed.

It is the most natural thing, to want to get accepted by the people around you, your environment but it shouldn't happen in the expense of yourself, of your well-being, just to get blindly accepted. These unwritten social rules sometimes can be very unbearable and you choose to wear a mask, to never be free to show your whole self to others because of what they will think of you, they might dislike you and you choose to limit yourself, to not discuss about the things that you like, to not do things that others won't like, in order to have people in your life. They might not be the truest friends, that you can have but at least they will keep you company, you will go out together, you will not be and feel alone, lonely. You will have someone to share your life with but the topics you discuss about, will never move away from things that are accepted.

You might even end up being okay and agree with things that you shouldn't or don't want to, so you can have people in your life. There isn't honesty in all that. Maybe these people, were never meant to stay in your life, they were just passing but why it feels so painful, if you decide to show them other parts of yourself and they choose to leave and I'm not talking about illegal things, racist things, things that are harmful to them or to others. Your beliefs, who you are, what you do, what you wear have to always be a certain way, based on who you are talking to or spending time with. Many times you realize, that there isn't real freedom. Be like this, do that if you don't want anything bad to happen to you, don't stand out. Don't do mistakes.

There is this "normal" that changes all the time, depending on who you are talking to, how they grew up, on who their parents are, their friends, the environment, the country they grew up, religion, political views and the list goes on and on. In the end, the only person I can be is me. And, I don't want to limit myself in someone else's views, in order to have them in my life. I would do me and hopefully I will meet people who resonate with me and with everything that means. It's very sad when people that you have spent so much time together, cannot accept your changed self and you part ways, I guess that is part of life too.

Sometimes, when you meet people, you know from the beginning, that they aren't meant to stay for long in your life because you don't feel completely comfortable with them, because you know that they are very conservative and you might get rejected from them, even if you wear more modern clothes, fashionable, in more bright colors, they won't like it and they will turn their back on you but for a very long time, you were communicating well. Can clothes be a factor, why they won't talk to you again? In this year, in this time? Yes, I guess, it can still be. And, they won't only not talk to me but they might talk behind my back too but shouldn't I do what I want professionally, write what i want, do what i want, be me because they will reject me? I cannot live in the constant fear, that others would walk out of my life.

You know when you are walking on eggshells around people. Sometimes, I know when I'm not going to get accepted, not for a very long time, by people. Many times you understand it, after you spend some time with them and hear their opinions about things but I always want to believe that if they get to know me better, they will find something in me, that it would make them to want to stay and to not give up on me. And, i'm only human, I don't have all the answers, I'm not perfect and I'm making mistakes and i don't think there's something wrong with me. I'm constantly learning and improving myself. You want to stay in my life, good. You don't want to stay in my life, I cannot do anything about it. I will continue to be me. It's just, that sometimes, it hurts a lot when people leave you, to the point that you wish to live on a remote island, far away from everyone, so that you don't expect from anyone to accept you and to want to be in your life and don't feel bad and disappointed when you open your heart to them and you receive their rejection and if that doesn't happen instantly, to happen over time.

So, because I can't control what others would do and I don't want to do that, I'm always trying to find ways to have fun alone and enjoy myself's company. Though, even when you play it cool, you still want, deep down, other people's support, especially when things get hard, you want words of encouragement, even a hug, someone to tell you that all will go well, when you don't believe it yourself, to spend some time together and do something fun, to forget all your problems. It shocks me how easy is, for some people, to cut you off from their lives, our love has many conditions but I promised to myself, that no matter what others are doing, I will be well and if I'm lucky, I might meet more suitable people for me, that they would accept the whole me and they would like the whole me and even love me.

If humans would stay in that narrow-minded way of thinking about what is normal, nothing would ever get created on earth. If you want to create something, that was never created before and to not just copy others, you have to think outside of the box. And, in order to think outside of the box, you have to leave your imagination travel, go beyond the limitations of your mind, you would have to leave behind some of your beliefs. I'm thinking that people wouldn't even travel to the space. That idea, at that time, might be completely crazy, absolutely not normal. And, in the position of the traveling to space, you can put anything that was ever created, that for that time might be completely radical and insane.

The first book that I ever read, was about a fish that had the shape of a triangle and was drawing all the time triangles and wasn't considered normal and everyone was looking down on it. At some point, many fishes where caught at some fishnets and they would all going to die. At that time, this fish that was drawing all the time triangles, that no one took seriously, had the idea for the fishes to create a triangle, so that they break the fishnets and get saved and they did exactly that and they survived and then that fish was a hero. Take the message of this book. This can happen in real life, of course not exactly like that because the book was talking about fishes but you know what I mean. Never underestimate others.

In the end, I'm thinking that all these labels, were created to keep others at a distance from us. Do we need them in the long run? Or are they limiting us? This way of thinking could turn against us, hurt us eventually too. In the future, someone might say that we aren't the normal ones. What is considered normal has everything to do with who is looking at each time. Wouldn't it be better, if we don't use something like that, to keep others away from us? Not because we might need others in the future but because it's better to have people to share your life with. Think of it!