Trapped in my head

Chapter 65

Back at home the first thing Meredith did was to check if the keys were still where she left them. And luckily they were. After taking an extra dose of her medication because she just wanted to feel a little bit more normal again she sat down on the couch, turning on the tv and starting to watch some friends. It was her comfort show and perfect for days like this.

She knew that she had to talk to him. But that would mean that as soon as he would come over for dinner, they would have a fight. Their first fight ever. And she was terrified because she didn't know what was going to happen. Would he leave her? What if he wouldn't forgive her for hiding the keys from him and making him think that he lost them? What if this morning had been the last time he had been here? What if last night had been the last time he had held her? What if it was all over?

Without even realising it she started crying silently, her mind playing multiple scenarios of what was going to happen this evening. She still just wanted to scream and let all those emotions out and she was alone at home, no one was here. Grabbing a pillow she buried her face into it and just started screaming, trying to turn all those feelings, all this anger and angst into something physical in order to get rid of it. But after a few seconds she got scared of her own scream and just started crying again.

Everything just felt wrong. Her skin hurt, her eyes were dry from all the crying and she was sweating. She was tried, she was exhausted, she was just done with all of this. She just sat there on the couch, breathing heavily, trying to calm herself down. But it was as if she had no control over her body anymore. It felt as if she was just watching what was happening to her from the outside while someone else was controlling her actions. It was scary and frustrating. She didn't know what to do she was completely lost.

All of the sudden she jumped up. It was all just getting too much. She ran upstairs and grabbed her earmuffs to cover out the actually not exciting noise that she was hearing. The cold sweat on her arms and on her chest felt unbearable but she just didn't have the energy to shower right now. Slowly walking down the stairs again she walked into the kitchen, opened the freezer, grabbed a box of ice cream and a spoon, sat down on the floor and just started eating.

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Half an hour later she heard the front door open. "Meredith?" she heard Andrew's voice from the hallway, sending shivers down her spice. She was so close to losing it right now. She was still sitting on the floor in front of the fridge, having now eaten half of the ice cream in the box already. "Hey, you okay? Bailey told me you went home early." He said, walking over to her and sitting down next to her as she took off her earmuffs. Meredith didn't reply and just continued eating the ice cream. "Did something happen?" he asked, still not getting a reaction. She knew that he was concerned about her because even she realized that she was acting more than crazy. "Yeah." She said. She knew that she was shaking but right now it was all just- it was blurry. She didn't even care anymore. She couldn't feel anything at all.

"But- I don't want to talk about it." She added, shoving more ice cream into her mouth. After a few minutes of silence Andrew didn't know what to do anymore so that he decided to tell her about his day in order to maybe calm her down a little and ease her anxiety. "I performed a very interesting surgery today. In the beginning it was just an appendectomy but we found a mass, a huge tumour around the colon. It took six hours to remove it. And I talked to Ryan, he's an old friend and works for a key service and I asked him how much it would cost to get new keys for my motorcycle since apparently I already lost them after just one day." He told her.

As soon as she heard the words 'keys' and 'motorcycle' her stomach turned and she started sweating again. She needed to tell him now. "He said that it would cost up to five hundred dollars to get new keys." He sighed, leaning back against the kitchen counter.

Looking up at him from the side new tears welled up in her eyes. "Can you kiss me?" she asked quietly, needing to feel his lips on hers one last time before everything would be over. Andrew was obviously confused but gently placed a kiss on her lips anyways. "What was that about?" he asked concerned, observing her closely.

Getting up Meredith walked away into the laundry room, grabbing the keys from the fuse box and walking back into the kitchen. Looking at her confused Andrew got up as well, walking over to her. Without saying anything she placed the keys on the table, looking down. "You found them?" he asked, still not realising what was going on. "No. I hid them." She admitted, her voice just barely above a whisper.

"What do you mean you hid them?" Andrew asked, his gaze fixed onto the keys he thought he had lost. "I hid them because I didn't want you to drive that motorcycle." She whispered, starting to nervously scratch her arms. "But- why?" Andrew asked shocked. But Meredith didn't answer, feeling her chest tighten. Now it would happen.

Andrew sighed, moving his hand through his hair. "You made me think I lost them Mer." He said calmly but it was obvious that he was upset. Meredith didn't reply again. "You know what. It's okay. You admitted it, it's alright. I'm not mad at you." He said, seeing how she was struggling.

"What? But- I stole your keys Andrew. You're not mad?" she asked, not understanding what was going on. Why wasn't he mad at her? Why wasn't he screaming that he hated her and that she was a horrible person? Why was he being- nice?

"I don't want to fight Mer. I just want to know why." He said, still calm what somehow was making Meredith mad now. "Why aren't you mad?" she asked again. "I stole your keys to make sure you wouldn't drive that motorcycle." She said a little louder. "Why did you hide them Mer?" he asked again, ignoring her. "I'm having nightmares about you dying Andrew! You die in my dreams every single night! And then you buy a motorcycle. A motorcycle! People die on motorcycles every single day!" she said, almost shouting now.

But he stayed calm. "Take a deep breath Mer, we can talk about it. It's okay. It's going to be okay." He said, seeing how she started to get angry. 

Next part is going to follow in a few minutes!