Trapped in my head

Chapter 47

Bailey and Alex didn't even look at her as they left the OR. The nurses had stitched up the patient before bringing her into the ICU, leaving Andrew and Meredith alone. Andrew still stood exactly where he had been standing during the surgery. Slowly he walked over to Meredith, sitting down next to her but making sure to leave a little distance between them. "I just need a minute." Meredith mumbled shakily, keeping her eyes closed as she laid her head down onto her knees, hugging them close, making herself as small as possible. "Okay." Andrew said. He didn't know what to do. What she had just did had been- amazing. But her friends, her family had let her down. They didn't trust her and didn't believe in her. He had no idea what she was feeling right now, and he assumed that she didn't know either which was why she was trying to calm herself down by curling up in a ball.

Half an hour passed until she spoke again. "Andrew?" he heard her ask, pulling him out of his thoughts. "Yeah?" he replied carefully, turning his head to look at her. "Just checking if you're still there." She mumbled, her voice muffled into her knees. "I'm not leaving you Mer." He said softly, scooting a little closer. "Thank you, for helping me." She whispered, lifting her head but still not looking at him. She let her gaze wander over the room, the image of Bailey's and Alex's faces still burnt into her head. Andrew didn't reply. He didn't know how to. He had only helped her because he hadn't wanted to disappoint her. He had seen how anxious she had been, and he had only done what she had wanted him to do because he wanted- he had wanted to- no. He didn't know why he had helped her. Just like everyone else he hadn't believed in her. And right now, he hated himself for that.

But that feeling of hate towards himself immediately vanished as she climbed into his arms, snuggling into him. She needed to be close to him now. He had been the only one to believe in her. She needed him to hold her and calm her down since she was completely overstimulated. She usually loved doing surgeries. She loved the ambience in the OR, the intensity and how everything else didn't matter while she was holding the scalpel. But this- was different because-. She just sighed. She couldn't even think straight right now.

Cuddling herself deeper into her boyfriend's arms she tried not to think about anything and block out all the noises in her head. She felt empty but at the same time- completely overwhelmed. She had known exactly what she had been doing. There had been a problem and she had solved it because she was a good surgeon. But her family hadn't believed in her. They had told her to stop, to just let the girl die.

"I'm a good surgeon Andrew. Why didn't they trust me?" She whispered after another few minutes of silence had passed. "You- believed in me. Why didn't Alex?" she added, making him feel guilty again. "Do you want me to be honest Mer?" he asked, gently stroking her hair. "Yes please." She said, lifting her head and looking at him for a few seconds, quickly realising that she had absolutely no energy for eye contact left. "I didn't think you could get her back either. I- I thought she was dead." He admitted, looking at her, trying to get her to look back at him. "Then why did you help me?" Meredith asked confused, risking another few seconds of eye contact but quickly looking away again. "I don't know." He said honestly, hoping that she wouldn't hate him now although she had every right to.

"But you still did. So- deep down you probably did believe in me right?" She whispered anxiously. She couldn't lose the only person of whom she had thought had trusted her. "Yeah- I guess that makes sense." He said after thinking about it for a few seconds. "Good." Meredith sighed, letting herself fall back into his arms.

"Andrew I- I think I need a break." She continued after a few minutes of silence. "What do you mean? A- break of our relationship?" he asked a little concerned. This couldn't be happening she couldn't be breaking up with him.

"No- I still want to be in a relationship with you. I mean a break from- being a surgeon." Meredith quickly said, taking his hand and starting to fidget with his fingers what made him smile. "You don't want to be a surgeon anymore?" he asked, now getting even more worried.

"I still want to be a surgeon I just think I need a few months away from patients and the OR. I love being a surgeon and I love doing surgery, but I think it would be better for my health to take a break." She went on, enjoying how he kept rubbing her back. "If that's what you want I'll support you." Andrew replied, not really knowing what to say to her.

"It's just that- when I'm in the OR I hyperfocus on the patient. I am in a completely different world which makes it extremely difficult to come back into the real world. The problem is the time after the surgeries. Those few hours in which I'm not feeling well. Those hours are the worst because my mind just plays all kind of possible scenarios of what could have happened. I replay the whole surgery, scared I made a mistake or anything. In the OR I feel amazing but afterwards I feel awful like I've just ran an- emotional marathon. I am completely overstimulated and overwhelmed. And I think I would be doing a lot better if I wouldn't have to go through that every single day. Because sometimes- it's really hard to keep going." She explained. He hadn't expected her to open up to him like this right now, but he was thankful for it.

"I'm not giving up just- taking a break. Because I can't keep going like this anymore. It's getting worse every week and I feel worse every day and this has been going on for over three months, and I just need- some time to recover. I don't want to stop working but I don't want to perform any surgeries for a while. I think I could focus on my research. No patients, no ORs."

"That sounds really good Mer. I'm glad you made that decision. I'm really proud of you." He said, a few tears welling up in his eyes. Of course, he knew that she hadn't been doing so well the past few weeks but he hadn't known for how long this had been going on. "I'll be there for you the whole time, whenever you need me." He added, kissing the top of her head.

"Ready to get up again?" he asked after a few minutes of silence while she was still trying to calm down. "Yeah. I'll go to my office I need to take a nap." Meredith said as he helped her to stand up again. "You want me to come with you?" Andrew asked, taking her hands. "I want a few hours alone okay?" she asked shyly, looking up at him. "Alright. What about I come over this evening and make us some home-made sushi for dinner?" he asked, making her smile immediately. But her smile seemed tired, not really reaching her eyes. "I'd love that." She said, standing on her tiptoes to kiss him. Everything was going to be okay. 

Right?