Trapped in my head

Chapter 43

"What voices?" he asked, holding her close and starting to rub her bed comfortingly. "Did I hurt you?" she asked anxiously, burying her head in the crock of his neck. "No, you could never hurt me Meri." He reassured her, kissing the top of her head. "Come on, let's get you into the shower." He said, helping her take off her scrubs.

Very carefully he turned on the water, making sure that it wouldn't be too hot but warm enough to stop her trembling. "Not- not my hair today's not hair-wash day." She said, turning around again. "Okay." He said, grabbing a hairband from the sink and tying up her hair in a ponytail.

After getting her out of the shower again he helped her to get dressed before pulling her into another long hug. "What about we go downstairs and eat a little." He said, making her pull away. "No Andrew why- why would you say that." She said, looking at him before starting to cry again. "What? I just- I'm just really hungry we haven't eaten anything today since breakfast Mer It's important to eat" he said, taking a step closer to her again.

Meredith just walked past him, crawled under her blanket, and started sobbing. "Meri, no. I'm sorry." He said, sitting down on the bed next to her. "I know you have difficulties with food especially when you're not feeling well. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have suggested it." He apologised, not wanting to upset her even more. "I'm sorry." She whispered, feeling guilty all of the sudden.

After taking a deep breath she turned around again and looked up at him. "Don't hate me." She whispered a little embarrassed, looking down again. "I love you Mer. I knew what I was getting myself into that day on the elevator. And I don't regret anything. Promise." He said, leaning down to kiss her soft cheek. "What about I take a shower now and you take a little nap. And afterwards I will go downstairs to eat something, and you can come with me but you don't have to eat something." He suggested, getting a small nod in receive. "Okay, close your eyes, you'll feel better tomorrow." He said, knowing that this was probably not true.

After Andrew had gone into the bathroom and closed the door behind him Meredith started to cry again. She didn't want him to see her like this. The voice in her head had been right, she had hurt him so much that he had apologised to her. Without even fully registering it she started to hit herself. She felt completely overwhelmed by the whole situation and it was as if she had no control over herself anymore. And even though she had experienced many meltdowns before it was still scary. Because she felt as if she was trapped in this body, hearing voices that made her hit herself. She felt trapped. She wanted to scream but nothing came out. She wanted to run but she couldn't move her legs. She wanted to stop hurting herself, but she couldn't because she wasn't the one in control. It felt as if she was just watching from the distance, not even feeling the pain. In fact she couldn't feel anything.

"Mer, it's okay, it's okay." She suddenly heard Alex voice, picking her up and holding her tightly so that she couldn't move anymore. Thank you, she thought, not being able to say it though. "Where is DeLuca?" Alex asked, trying not to get angry. He had trusted him to take care of her and now he just left her alone with herself at the begin of an episode. But Meredith didn't answer. She laid her head on Alex' shoulder and closed her eyes, hoping that he wouldn't let go.

"I got you Mer." He said, grabbing her ankle weights from her nightstand and putting them onto her feet. The additional weight immediately helped. Somehow it kept her grounded while the new stimulation relaxed her. Five minutes later Andrew came out of the bathroom, now dressed in his pyjamas, surprised as he saw Alex sitting on the bed.

"Did something happen I-" he begun but Alex interrupted him. "Don't worry you're still learning." He said, smiling slightly. "Can you get me the vest from her closet please?" Alex asked, nodding his head in the direction of Meredith's closet. "What vest?" Andrew asked as he opened the door. He felt guilty for leaving Meredith alone since she had obviously needed him to stay.

"The black one. It's a squeezable pressure-vest for- let's say emergencies." Alex explained, taking the vest from Andrew. "You can't leave her alone when things like this happen, she'll start to hit herself which only worsens the episode." Alex continued, putting the vest on Meredith who was half asleep. "Here, with this balloon you can squeeze out the air so that the vest tightens." He showed him.

"She hits herself?" Andrew asked a little concerned. "Involuntarily. She can't control it." Alex whispered as Meredith started to get calmer now that she was wearing the vest. "She never showed me that vest." Andrew said quietly, observing Alex, getting slightly jealous. Alex knew everything about Meredith, and he could always help her. He always knew what to do and Meredith seemed to calm down a lot faster for Alex than for him. "It's only for really bad days. Like today." Alex explained before both men fell silent.

"Do you- do you know how many people died?" Andrew asked after a few minutes of silence. "No. I just know that there were too many." Alex replied, still holding Meredith in his arms. "You want to take her?" he then asked Andrew, knowing that he was getting a little jealous and honestly, he would have gotten too. "Yeah, thank you." Andrew said as Alex carefully lifted Meredith off of his lap so that Andrew could lay down with her. "You got this DeLuca, you'll get there. It took me almost a year to know what to do when she's having a meltdown so don't worry." Alex said one more time before leaving. Andrew just nodded before turning his attention back on Meredith. "I think you're already helping me a lot." Meredith suddenly whispered, making him smile a little. "You wanted to eat something." She then started, fidgeting with a lose strap of the vest. This vest was truly the best. It applied comfortable pressure onto her whole upper body, like a super-hug.

"No, I don't need anything, let's just sleep." He gave back, pulling her closer. "No." Meredith said, shaking her head. She didn't want him to waive dinner just because she couldn't eat right now. Andrew understood that without her having to say it. "Okay, want to come with me?" he asked, stroking her cheek with his thumb. She just nodded. As they got to the kitchen Meredith sat down at the table while Andrew started to prepare himself some scrambled eggs. "Are you tired?" he asked her as he sat down next to her. She just shrugged, breathing through her mouth again. She couldn't take the smell of the food now but didn't want to request even more from Andrew. He had already done so much for her.

After he had finished the eggs Andrew got a small bowl of chips, hoping that Meredith would eat some. And after he had eaten a few, she climbed onto his lap and grabbed one as well. He was really getting good at this. Of course, he still needed to learn a lot but every small success was worth it. She was worth it. Smiling brightly, he made sure to make no move nor comment, hoping she would eat some more. "I love you." He whispered into her ear, gently rubbing her stomach through the vest.

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