Trapped in my head

Chapter 16

It was Sunday and Meredith was doing laundry at home. Maggie was out with Winston and Alex was visiting his mother so that her and Amelia were alone. Later today she would go indoor climbing like she did every Sunday. Dr. Wyatt, her therapist was actually also her climbing coach since she had been the one suggesting this kind of physical therapy and Meredith immediately fell in love with it as they had tried it out for the first time about three years ago. She had actually gotten really good at it and her arms were pretty muscular what many people didn't assume from her stature since she was rather tiny and slim. But she was strong, she had gained a lot of strength due to going climbing almost every weekend for such a long time already.

She loved sports and especially climbing since it provided her a lot of sensory relief and therefore comforted her. And she really needed that after this week. This one week, those seven days had been more exciting than every other week of this year. She was in a relationship now, with Andrew DeLuca. She had had her first kiss, she had went on a date for the first time and they had even cuddled. She started to smile brightly while looking back at the positive aspects of the week. Of course, she had had a few more meltdowns than usual and she had been overstimulated a lot but somehow it had been worth it because the good things that happened definitely outweighed the challenges they had provided.

Grabbing her phone she sat down at the kitchen table for a bit, searching for this particular song she had listened to in the car on Friday while driving home from work. She had been listening to music the whole day already since she really enjoyed the auditory stimulation while also wearing her ankle weights. She always enjoyed the weekends the most. Of course that was nothing unusual but for her it wasn't the time off, the possibility to sleep in or the opportunity to go on trips. For her it was the fact that she was at home, where she could be stimming all day without getting weird looks or comments on it, she could walk around with headphones and wear her ankle weights since to her roommates it was nothing new anymore. She loved the weekends because she could be herself. She could do what she needed to do, no matter if it was just mild or intensive stimming and she could sing, she could just lay on the floor if she would want to. The amount of possibilities of what she could do was what Meredith liked about the weekends so much.

But why couldn't she remember the name of that song she had heard on Friday? Sighing in frustration she went back to playing her usual playlist, getting up again and walking over into the laundry room, continuing folding her clothes after separating them from Maggie's, Alex' and Amelia's.

"Hey, I thought we could order some food for lunch, what do you want?" Amelia asked as she walked into the room. Taking off her headphones Meredith turned around. "I'm not hungry." She gave back, putting her headphones back on and focusing on the laundry again. "Hey!" she then exclaimed as Amelia took off her headphones for her, raising an eyebrow at her. "You have to eat something Mer." She said and her voice sounded slightly concerned by now. "But I'm not hungry!" Meredith said again, this time a little louder, slowly getting frustrated as she ripped her headphones out of Amelia's hand, putting them back on.

Amelia knew what was happening. It was the eating disorder. Meredith always had a hard time eating most food and sometimes there were days where she wouldn't be able to eat anything at all. Combined with her autism the symptoms of the ARFID were even worse since on or after bad days of overstimulation she sometimes couldn't control and perceive feelings like hunger very well since her brain was occupied with her environments or whatever had been causing her to feel overwhelmed.

"I'm sorry Mer." Amelia said, carefully pulling her sister into a hug as she noticed how she was trembling, frustrated with herself and the world. "I'm not hungry." She whispered again, tears running down her cheeks. "Okay, you don't have to eat something." Amelia gave back, rubbing her back comfortingly. Somehow she wished Andrew would be here right now. Although Amelia's hugs felt nice they were by far not as good as Andrew's hugs were.

___________

After Meredith had calmed down a little again she had went upstairs to take a nap. Her energy had been used up entirely just from those few words she had exchanged with Amelia. Why did people always have to talk? Why did people always have to ask questions? Why did she care so much about what Meredith was or wasn't eating.

Opening her eyes she slowly pulled her blanket further around her. She wasn't feeling very well and somehow she whished Andrew was with her right now. It was strange. Their relationship was only one week old but somehow she trusted him. She wasn't ready to open up about her darkest secrets yet and talking to him was still overwhelming but it was getting better way faster then with any other person ever before. The past week had been exhausting and now her day had somehow been exhausting as well. Today had been supposed to give her back her energy but in some way all her thoughts and the small discussion with Amelia had drained her. She didn't want to go climbing today. She wanted to stay in bed and sleep. She was so tired. Not just physically but also mentally. Why did she have to be like this? Why did everything have to be so exhausting?

Taking a deep breath she closed her eyes again. This wasn't her fault. It wasn't her fault that she was tired and that she wasn't feeling well. That she just wanted to sleep instead of spending the weekend doing fun activities. Suddenly her phone vibrated and she opened her eyes again, looking at it as it was laying on the nightstand. But instead of reaching for it to see who had texted her she just continued to stare at it. She had absolutely no physical energy. Like none. Just the thought of lifting her arm to grab her phone made her eye lids feel heavy again so that she closed them, falling back asleep.

As she woke up three hours later she had two missed calls from Andrew and one missed call from Dr. Wyatt. Oh shit. She didn't text Dr. Wyatt to cancel their appointment. Sighing she threw her phone onto the empty mattress besides her, cuddling back into her pillows, enjoying the comforting warmth and heaviness of the covers. Dr. Wyatt already knew this behaviour from her, that she sometimes wasn't able to text or just forgot about it, so that she usually called her before they would meet to make sure Meredith would come. And if Meredith wouldn't pick up Dr. Wyatt knew that they wouldn't go climbing today. But Andrew didn't know this. Was he concerned because she hadn't answered his texts and calls? Or was he hurt?

It took her another while until she finally picked up her phone again, looking through the text messages Andrew had sent her.

Hey Mer, what do you think about a date on Wednesday?

We could go to the same restaurant if you'd like, I really enjoyed it the last time.

Meredith is everything okay? I can see that you're online.

Are you mad at me because of something?

Great. Now her lazy behaviour had led to Andrew thinking she was mad at him. What the hell was wrong with her at the moment? Why was she so sensitive and emotional these days? Well, actually she knew why it just wouldn't go into her mind. This relationship was challenging and therefor overwhelming and exhausting and this social interaction made her tired. And that wasn't her fault, she just needed to explain it to Andrew in a way he wouldn't think that she wasn't worth it. That he would be giving a lot more than she would be able to. Because she just didn't know how to. Maybe all of this was a bad idea. Maybe it just wasn't supposed to be like this. Maybe people like her weren't supposed to be in happy relationships.