THE SHADOW OF THE FIRE

chapter 19

I knocked at Maria's door and she yelled
- who is it?
- kyla.
Then she opened the door. She was only in a white t- shirt.
- so? What do you want?
- i have a date.
- what do you mean?
- i am going to the party with natasha. As a date.
She squealed (yes, for real) and hugged me. When we pulled away she smiled and asked
- so tomorrow no shopping?
- what? Yes. We are going shopping. Because i want to spend time with you and i also need a new suit.
She pulled me in her room and we sat down on the bed.
- so, who asked?
- i did. But ot was because steve called her saying that he wanted to go with her and she said that she is going with someone else.
- how was it? I mean, the whole one bed thing...
- good. I think.
- and the arm?
I chuckled and i replied
- fucking painful. But i can cope.
We fell in a comfortable silence.
- are you ok?
I was pretty surprised to hear her asking me that, not that she hasn't ever asked me, but the tone of her voice seemed genuinly concerned.
- why wouldn't i be?
- you know... The whole going back there, going on missions... I was just wondering how you are holding up.
- better than i trought i would.
She smiled and got up.
- do you want to go for a walk?
- oh, sure.

Nat pov
*1 hour later*
We were back to the quinjet, kyla's arm wasn't looking too bad. While clint was flying the jet fury called me
- romanoff. How was the mission?
- it was ok, we got the files, but there were people in there. The red room is using it as a storage for files and as a lab.
- what were the files about?
- well, every widow from Austria. We belive that maybe there could be something like this one in every country they got widows from.
- call kyla.
I got up and i returned to the main room.
- kyla, fury is calling, he wants to talk to you.
She got up and followed me to the smaller room. I could sense that she was nervous. In the red room we were punished if you were injured during a mission.
- sir?
- are you ok, kyla?
She tensed and looked at me. I smiled, trying to show her that it was okay, she didn't have to keep her guard up.
- yes, sir, i am ok.
- what's with the sir, agent?
- i am not an agent.
- we will talk about it when you get back here. So, is the wound bothering you?
- just a bit. But i can cope.
- you two did a good job. Normally i wouldn't send four people for this kind of mission, i didn't know your level, so i did. Next time there will be just you two.
I already knew about this, but now we didn't know if she wanted to.
- ok. When will next time be?
- after you are healed. You have the week off. I trought about it and i think we can trust you to go out alone. You have been good this past months.
- thanks.
- bye.
- bye.
He ended the call.
- so, what are you going to do this week?
She didn't reply and just sat down. I was pretty concerned about how this mission could be affecting her. I didn't know if sitting next to her would be a good idea, i didn't want to push her boundaries. So i just left. I walked to clint and he asked
- so? What was that about?
I sat down in the co pilot seat
- he wanted to know how did the mission go and if she was okay. You know, i think she is still pretty shaken, even if she is trying to not let it show.
- nat, it is nice to see you happy when you are around her.
- oh, i forgot to mention that now she can go out alone.
He smirked
- are you just going to ignore what i said?
- yes.

Kyla's pov
It didn't feel right. I expected him to yell at me, to never trust me. Not this. Why would he do that? I have a week of doing wethever i want, wherever i want. I can go out without someone watching. Why? Why didn't he punished me? I got shot. I failed. He treated this mission like a victory. We didn't even emptied the red room archieve, so we would have to return there. I was about to ask nat about it and i saw her leave the room without a word. Fuck. Maybe she was talking to me and i didn't hear, how much time did i spent in silence thinking? Did i screw it up? Yes, i did. Should i go after her? I didn't want to make her go away. I should have told her about yelena, but i was scared of her reaction. I mean, i can't just go to her and be like "i am searching your sister with your moms help, do you wanna help me? Oh, and, for the record, they are both alive". That would be weird. But i was also sure that she would have been mad if i kept that from her. I decided to see if anyone needed me and if no, i would have tried to sleep a bit. I was getting up when maria entred the room.
- kyla, are you ok?
- yeah. I think so.
- you sure?
- mhm.
I nodded and she smiled sympathetically. Then she sat down beside me, put an arm around my shoulders and gently guided my head to her shoulder. I was genuinly surprised by her gesture, but soon i realized that i actually found it very relaxing.
- you know that you don't have to be all tough with us, yeah? You can let go, feel your feelings.
- if you were in my place, would you let your walls down?
She stayed silent for a moment before answering, so she actually trought about it.
- i don't know, honestly. I think it depends from the person and what i am going trough. If i am just sad i think i would lett my walls down with more people than when i am frustrated or angry. Because you can't show anger or something like that to one of your enemies, that means that they are getting under your skin and they have the upper hand. So i have to trust someone deeply and completely to show anger.
Her words echoed in my mind and made me rethink my training. That emotions are a weakness. I know that they are not, it is just that it is hard to break an habit.
- do you trust me?
- yes. And i am not saying it just to make you feel better.
She said it without hesitation, like she really meant it.
- do you trust me, kyla?
- yeah
- i don't want to push you to do something you don't want to do, but i am here if you want to talk.
- thanks.
She leaned her head on mine and i put my arm around her waist.

When we landed we got out of the jet and there was fury waiting for us, along with a doctor.
- kyla, can you come with us for a moment?
- ok.
I followed them into a small room. It looked like a med room. The doctor made me sit on the bed and asked
- can i see your wound?
I took away the bandage and i saw that it was all red, even if the stiches were still all right.
- i'll take the stiches off, it seems to be a bit infected, so i need to check if there is any dirt or something like that still inside.
- ok.
I looked over to fury and he sat on a chair.
- so, kyla, how are you?
- i am fine. Apart from the bullet.
He smiled slightly and shook his head.
- i meant mentally. It must have been a bit difficult to go back there. I just want to be clear, i didn't know that you were in there when i assigned you to the mission.
- as i said i am fine.
- don't lie, please.
I just looked down. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. That i was scared of going to sleep, i was scared i'd see what happened again, i was afraid that the red room might know that i am alive, i was scared of my mind. I just wanted to forget. Forget all the pain i felt, all the pain i caused, all the people i killed. I wanted to tell him everything, i wanted to cry, scream, but my body refused, as always. His voice brought me back to reality.
- you can write it down if you want.
He gave me a piece of paper and a pen. I stared at it as my mind went blank. I couldn't.
- take as much time as you need. I want you to know that you are not alone, not anymore.
- thanks.
- all right, now, let's talk about something else. I was thinking that you could join the team. You would be useful. What do you think?
- i am sorry, but i am not joining the team. If you need my help for missions i'll help, but i don't want to be part of the team. I could get in the spotlight. They could see me. And also, i don't think the government would be thrilled to know that i am alive and i exist. They would lock me up.
- i understand. It is your decision. But i have to say that agent Romanoff was right about you. You are good.
- thank you.
He got up and when he was about to go out he stopped and turned around.
- you should thank natasha. Also, when are you taking her out for a date?
Ok, i wasn't expecting that. I just sat there as he laughed and went out.
The doctor had finished to take the stiches out and was cleaning the wound.
- i would recommend resting for a few days, so it can heal properly. No training, missions and things like that. Who took the bullet out?
- i did.
He stopped and i looked at him.
- you took the bullet out of your own arm?
- yeah.
- well, it takes some guts. Was the bullet whole when you took it out?
I just blindly reached into my pocket and gave him the bullet.
He looked at it for a while, then spoke
- it seems whole. Well, i'll stich you again and then you can go.
- thanks.
- no problem. It is my job after all.
Half an hour later i was in my room, freshly showered and just in a towel when someone knocked at my door.
- jarvis, who is it?
- miss hill.
- thanks.
I opened the door and she just stared at me, her face slightly red.
- maria, do you need something?
- i just came by to ask you about shopping. Do you want to go now?
- well... Give me a moment to change and i'll be ready.
- ok.
- come in.
She came into the room and i started searching for clothes. I found an old t-shirt and a pair of black cargo pants. I could feel maria staring at me.
- hill, you are staring.
- shit, sorry.
- no problem. I was just kidding.
- let's go.
We took the elevator to the garage. I still have problems with elevators, but i was slowly getting better. We hooped in her car and she drove us to the mall. The car ride was silent, but it was a comfortable silence, not an awkward one. When we arrived i asked her
- so, where do we go?
- well, i was thinking that store. It has good suits.
- ok. Do you have to buy something too?
- mhm mhm. I was thinking a dress. I don't know why.
We got in the store and a bit of fun while maria searched a blue dress that she liked. It looked really good on her, the cleavage was showing just the perfect amount of skin, it arrived to her knees and it was tight on the chest and more loose on the hips and lower. When she was satisfacted with her choice, she called an employee and she asked for a suit for me.
- sure. What colour?
- dark red.
She showed us some shirts first, i decided on a plain white one. Then she moved to the suit. She showed us some, bit the blazers didn't really convince me.
- do you have one with a vest instead of a blazer.
- yeah.
After a bit she found a vest my size that was a lighter red, but the pants were darker.
- come on, try it on.
I went to a changing room and stripped. I put the shirt on and the pants, finishing with the vest. I wasn't convinced yet, but i stepped out anyways. Maria's mouth was hanging open but she quickly composed herself. The employee said that maybe if i rolled up the sleeves it would have looked better. I did and she was right. But i felt as something was missing.
- a tie!
Maria spoke beside me before i could even think about it.
I put the tie on and it looked great. Maria leaned over to my ear and whispered
- nat is gonna love it, she'll be drooling.
Then she smirked. Tonight was going to be fun.