The summer when I met you

Fragile Light

Today is a day off, and for once, we decided to break free from our usual routine of "work-dormitory-sea" and go for a stroll in the city. Moreover, someone reminded me today that we only have about two weeks left before our departure. We've had our tickets for a long time, but I had completely forgotten the departure date. How quickly time flies. It feels like just yesterday I was standing at the station with a suitcase in hand, filled with anticipation for the summer, and now we're almost leaving. Honestly, when Handong mentioned it in passing, it felt like a bucket of cold water was poured over me. I wasn't prepared for it. In light of recent events, I should have been happy about this circumstance, but in reality, it wasn't turning out that way. A wave of melancholy washed over me. Suddenly, I vividly imagined that I would never see her again. I wouldn't see her! Not at all.

Until this moment, the idea of escaping as far away as possible seemed perfect to me. But this morning, when I checked the calendar, not believing my eyes, I felt my legs weaken, and an overwhelming sense of emptiness rapidly formed inside me, as if I were losing something intangibly important. As if there were no tears, tantrums, or words of hatred shouted into the void. It was as if they never happened. All of that faded into the background, taking second place, and the only thing that mattered now was that I was losing her, which made me feel even worse than the events of yesterday. "Jiu won't be by my side," echoed in my head, and at that moment, it was the most important thing. The most important thing in my meaningless life, and it worried me more than anything else.

There was nothing around me, only emptiness and icy words—she won't be there. Those words flowed down my throat, descended deeper, and enveloped me in an icy curtain, causing me to tremble. And we will exist, each of us separately. She will sleep, eat, work, feel sadness or anger, irritation, laughter, and love something. She will admire and maybe even cry. In short, she will live! And I won't be there beside her, and no one will notice any changes, except me, it seems, silently dying inside. I won't be able to look at her face, I won't forget how to breathe just by looking into her eyes, I won't touch her velvety skin with my fingers or kiss her lashes, I won't be able to simply be happy for her. My mood will never be lifted by her radiant, genuine smile, even if it doesn't belong to me.

For some reason, I only realized the inevitability of this loss now. No, of course, I knew, but knowing is not the same as truly feeling, allowing it to pass through you. I didn't want anything anymore, except to crawl back into bed and replay it in my mind over and over again, but with great effort, I tried to push those thoughts away. They had no place! I shouldn't be thinking about this! I shouldn't! Not now. It's wrong, and everything starts all over again—all the arguments, all the reasoning, all the words, and again, I recall her actions and cross out all the good that was there because it was simply a well-played chapter of an overly successful play. And it goes in circles so that I can build an impenetrable barrier around myself again, so I won't give in, so I can look at her calmly. So that I won't lose again.

I managed to do it, and now I'm walking along the crowded promenade with the girls, admiring the surroundings, smiling, and even joking. But still, something feels off, something isn't right.

I finished my sales during the last break. People approached me, buying ice cream, as usual. But what happened afterward went beyond the ordinary. Sometimes it feels like everything happening to me is like a bad dream, a curse, or an obsession. Everything keeps coming back. It's as if someone has placed a hex on me, but it can't be normal to happen with such frequency. It's starting to resemble a tragicomedy. And it's not like I'm terribly attractive. No, quite the opposite! As I mentioned before: a good figure, delicate physique, dark eyes the color of ripe cherries, perhaps naturally longer eyelashes, but nothing more. Average, ordinary, one among thousands. But I always attract unpleasantness. It's as if I wear a sign on my chest with a detailed explanation of how to treat me. Yes, my mother told me that this job could be dangerous, but I dismissed it. What hasn't happened to me!