A few days later, I diligently ignored her and forcibly tortured my own mind. Falling asleep with thoughts of her and waking up with her name on my lips was unbearable. It seemed like the line between madness and reality blurred in my subconscious. I could swear that sometimes at work, in the half-empty corridor, I would sense a sickly sweet fragrance and a faint, milky scent cutting through it – that was how her skin smelled. And even though Jiu was nowhere in sight, I could confidently say that she had recently been in that room. It felt like an obsession. Jiu, you turned me into a dependent, unstable person, and I sincerely congratulate her on achieving that.
I can't bring myself to talk to her, to settle everything on my terms. I can't say my final word. I simply can't decide to put an end to it all. To finish everything for good. Because if I say what I intend to say, and most importantly, if she believes it, nothing will ever be the same again. Even though I understand that there is nothing behind us and there is essentially nowhere to return to, I still continue to indulge in illusions and surrender to the power of dreams, where she is so dear, tender, and understanding, where Jiu is mine. Mine, but it's not her there, just an ideal image created by my subconscious. And I realize that I want to see not that magically enchanting Jiu from my dreams, but she. She, damn it, with all her flaws, excessive sarcasm, condescending looks, and unique depth in her eyes! She, despite the fact that she had plenty like me! I want to see her, by my side during the day, listening to her cutting comments, and at night, I want to drown in her embrace, writhe under her dominant touches, sink into the depths of your moans, and submit to her hands, to submit and surrender! I want Jiu overwhelmingly, completely, inevitably, and irreversibly! But she doesn't want to see me by her side. No, this is not love; other words suit these emotions: madness, sickness, obsession with ideas, fixation on an image, but not love. Definitely not the love in my classical understanding.
Jiu continues to pursue me, seeking attention, while I walk around with a detached expression, pretending not to care. I couldn't care less about her; feel uncomfortable and wrong in her own skin! Feel it with her whole body, how control slips away from her firm grasp.
Today I was able to answer her question about what was happening with a calm, happy smile on my face. I only said two words: "I'm fine," but it became significantly easier. I could finally say something. In that very moment, standing in unbearable proximity to her, gazing into her eyes, I felt like a cocoon of impenetrable film enveloped my consciousness, and an artificially induced calmness spread throughout my body. I realized that I was now ready to talk to her. Fully ready.
We step out of the van, and you approach me. No, it's not like that; I allow you to come closer. Today, I deliberately stand close to her, all alone, not trying to quickly retreat into the dormitory walls. Today, I want this conversation. I want to end it all. I want to!
"Can we talk?" she asks, but avoids eye contact. She is nervous because her little mouse has long escaped the zone of control. No, it's a foolish comparison; now I'm not a mouse, I'm a wolf! Yes, they used to hunt wolves, driving them into a field marked with red flags and ruthlessly shooting them one by one. None of them could escape, cross that seemingly simple boundary, but for them, it was insanely terrifying and insurmountable. And here I am, a little lost wolf cub, but I managed to break free from your invisible chains, desperately gasping for air, tearing myself apart. But I did it, and you haven't realized it yet. Although she felt it, she feels it, I know for sure, if she is still capable of feeling anything.
"Of course," I smile, mentally checking my defensive shield. Everything's fine, I don't feel anything, I don't care! We walk away.
"What's happening?" Jiu asked, once again. Jiu, couldn't you come up with a more original phrase? Given your imagination!
YOU ARE READING
The summer when I met you
FanfictionI took this step to change something in my life. In theory, I was ready for something new, but I didn't expect everything to change so much. I didn't think I would meet you. I'm just a little naive student, ruthlessly digging into my thoughts, while...
