The summer when I met you

Love and Hate(M)

A few minutes ago, the persistent alarm clock rang, forcing me to open my eyes. I had to push myself to get moving. I needed to find the strength to face this world and not succumb to fear. It was unforgivable. It was not permissible. I opened my eyelids; it seemed normal. Not too bright. Not too scary. Just normal. Like always. I turned my head to the side and realized that I could still move. I could still breathe. I was still alive, despite everything.

I observed the girls through thick lashes. Sua and Handong were exchanging their usual discontented remarks, while Gahyeon buried her nose in yet another e-book. Nothing changed for us; it was a typical morning scene. But something had changed. No, I was not in a hysterical mood, I was quite calm, but inside, there was a smoldering pain, and on the fading embers of disappointment, new sparks of as-yet-unseen hatred ignited.

"Hi," Sua smiled, noticing my attentive gaze.

"Yeah," I whispered, clearing my throat. Everything's fine. Really, it's fine. Pull yourself together.

"Are you okay?" Sua asked, her voice full of concern.

"Everything's fine," I forced a smile, but my eyes were empty, completely empty. Was I saying this to her or continuing my internal convictions?

"Maybe you shouldn't go today?" She worried about me.

"And what should I say to that?" I even managed to raise an ironic eyebrow. "No, really, everything's fine."

"Seriously, why are you suggesting she skip today?" our main gossip intervened.

"You're a curious one, Handong."

"Well, well!"

"Really, Handong, stop it. Maybe it's none of our business," Dami defended me. She was the most peaceful person in our "friendly group." Both of us often tried to dispel the tension between Handong and Sua, waving the flag of reconciliation.

"It seems like I'm always missing something," Handong muttered in frustration.

"Clean your ears, though your situation is more serious, but don't worry – your hearing aid will save you."

"Sua!" I jerked my friend's arm. "No need, and let's just drop the subject. Everything's fine, everyone's happy, today's a beautiful day, and I'm going to work."

Everything's fine! I'll stick to my plan. I've grown up. I've changed. Everything has changed. I won't wallow in the corner, writhing in dull pain. No more of that in my life! After all, our actions always lead to results, and only we determine our own attitude toward them. Now the outcome is different: not pain but experience. If I continued to be naive, and it played such a cruel joke on me, then it's likely that I need to change. Everything must change. We'll shift the course of the game onto ourselves, and whatever happens, happens.

At work, I encounter her, and my heart slowly stops. She burns me with her gaze, without saying a word. In turn, I maintain eye contact, enduring it. It seems that, to my surprise, I let out disdainful sparks, and an imperceptible chill runs between us. I'm ready to swear she felt it, and something strange flickered in her eyes. It's not in my best interest right now. She shouldn't suspect anything. Smiling, I divert my gaze, trying to make it as natural as possible. She gives me a reassuring smirk and walks away, leaving me alone with barely contained anger. Can a smirk really be reassuring? It's more like the grin of a wild beast, satisfactorily acknowledging that the mouse is still trapped. I clench my fists with pain and squint my eyes, trying to calm myself down. "Yooh," it's necessary. It's necessary. I whisper to myself mentally. Why "Yooh"? I open my lids in horror and roll my eyes. Damn, when did I start talking to myself like this? It's her, only she calls me that. I disdainfully snort, dismissing my helplessness, and continue to irritably clench my fists. I hate her! I want to hurt her, and I'm almost certain that I'll succeed. I pinch my nose; now the contempt extends to myself, but I quickly dismiss it. Maybe I shouldn't? Just talk, tell her. And what will I achieve with that? Not a word of remorse, not a comforting glance in return. Those feelings aren't typical for someone like Jiu. Let her experience humiliation too! I'll strike her where it hurts, her unstable sense of attractiveness. Does she think no one will be able to refuse her? How mistaken she is.