Tinder, Love and Care

30. Names

A/N: Extra long chapter ahead! You're welcome <3!

I left him there, in the bed alone.

I knew I could've gone about it differently, but ghosting and running seemed easiest in the moment.

It was certainly better than letting tidal wave after tidal wave of emotion crash over me while I laid right beside him and craved his smell would settle into my bones. I couldn't keep doing this, but I couldn't stop myself from the sweetness right before the pain.

"You make me want to love you, Cinthe." Hurt me so good, but it just wasn't enough.

I wanted him to love me. Point blank period. But Justice wasn't there and waiting on him to decide to love me intentionally just didn't make sense.

If I had woken him, we would've had to talk and I'd be left just as disappointed as I had been before he picked me up.

Damn him for being the finest man walking, too.

My thighs clenched together to release the desire that came with the memory of his head falling back as his dreads cascaded along his body.  The ricochet of his groans from the sight of me. Muscle blending into muscle along his frame and that sharp jawline with bowed full lips had to be a crime.

He was just that pretty. And for those few moments, I was just that lucky.

Justice made me feel things I only fantasized about. The type of connection and love I wanted in a partner was right in front of me, but I just couldn't have it.

Clearly, he was coping with that fact better than I was. Especially since he was fighting so hard to maintain a friendship that always had undertones of something else from the start.

But I didn't want a friendship where we had to pretend we didn't have feelings for each other. I didn't want to watch him find someone else anymore than I wanted a new man.

If Justice was too stubborn or too hurt to admit that he was just as obsessed as I was, then he'd do it alone.

I let out a humorless laugh as my thoughts strayed and I stared out my Uber's window.

Justice really thought he had me fooled. I had noticed the writing on the wall a long time ago... well to be accurate, the hyacinths drawn across the wall.

His father's passing had hit him hard, which was understandable. Watching the death of not just a core member of his family, but also the death of a once-in-a-lifetime type of love must've been devastating to everyone involved. But I knew my limitations.

I couldn't be his therapist, and I couldn't make him decide to heal his wounds. I couldn't love him into happiness and peace. He had to find that himself.

I'm sure that would be a pretty sight to see. If only I could be around to witness it.

Because as sweet as it sounded, I didn't have enough love for us both.

Sure, relationships were a give and take, and an even split of 50/50 wouldn't always be possible. But I needed intention. I needed effort. I needed willingness.

I needed Justice to wake up every morning and choose to hold me close and whisper promises of indefinite, incomparable love.

Right now, that was all just a fantasy. It wasn't real and hoping for it while masquerading as his platonic friend was settling for suffering.

I deserved more. He deserved more.

My phone rang as the Uber pulled up to my apartment. There was a moment of hesitation when the called ID "Ice Man" popped up across my screen, but I decided to decline it.